Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday Wants to Get in Your One-Liners

FedEx guy to passerby: Hey, they’re my trousers! What are you doing wearing my fuckin’ trousers?!

–Houston & 1st

Man with water-cooler jug of coins: Please give to help the homeless. Anything can help… A smile, a pork chop, a pair of pants…

–55th & 5th

Jersey hoochie walks by, her thong showing conspicuously.

Matter-of-fact mom to eight-year-old son: That girl’s going to lose her pants.

–NJ Transit terminal, Penn Station

Overheard by: cockrin

Guy on phone: … And so I put my hands in his pants and realized, ‘Oh my god, I’m gay!’

–McDonald’s, Times Square

Little boy to mother: These pants are too small! I’m gonna get a yeast infection if I put these on!

–Target

Overheard by: The dressing room next door

Wednesday One-Liners Are a Bunch of Pricks

Man looking at reflection in door: Yeah, I got a big dick. Girl, you know I got a big dick. Gimme some of that pussy.

–6 train, 103rd St

Jewish girl: I swear to you, his dick wasn’t any bigger than this! This piece of cheesecake! You should have seen the look on my face!

–Murray Hill Diner

Chick on cell: The phalluses got soft and were pulled offstage…

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Thug: Girl, I know you miss my dick head, but I’m at the Apple Store!

–Tekserve, W 23rd & 6th

Man: It’s Yom Kippur, and I’m here looking at Ian McKellen’s penis.

–King Lear performance, Brooklyn Academy of Music

Overheard by: a little shocked at its size

Don’t Wednesday One-Liner on the Electric Fence

Girl: This better be it, or I will pee on your leg. I’m serious this time.

–Union Square South

College girl: Wait. If you didn’t pee in a jar, then where did you pee?

–Broadway

Drunk chick: I can not give you a no-pee guarantee.

–25th & 6th

Coworker to another: I think I have to stand in the bathroom with you. I just can’t seem to get the right angle.

–Office, Midtown

Southern tourist lady looking at bathroom line: Well, can we pee on the street?

–Hirschfeld Theater

Get a Life, Wednesday One-Liners!

Conductor: This is your second chance for the A Train. Not so many times in life do you get a second chance. A Train — across the platform.

–C train, 42nd St

Overheard by: deb

Tall black woman: Beyoncé! That bitch! She stole my life!

–PATH, 14th St

Overheard by: Adam A

Suit: You know, I made up my mind to eat Ritz crackers for the rest of my life, and dammit, I’m gonna enjoy it!

–54th & Park

Overheard by: fellow ritz lover

Chick: Then someone put on Linkin Park — can you believe that? I had to just go in the back and smell some pretty soap and pretend I know what I’m doing with my life.

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: dave !

Commuter student: Yeah, you know, I want to have a life. I want to get my nails done.

–NYU

Overheard by: because really, what more is there to life?

Wednesday One-Liners Taste Like Chicken

Dude to another: … And he said he found a recipe for turning human beings into mutton.

–Coney Island

Overheard by: Psychlone

Kid: Boogers taste like paste!

–Park Slope

Overheard by: paste eater

Chick: So I didn’t know what it was… And then I put it in my mouth…

–Benny’s Burritos

Man: I’ve never eaten a fetus that big…

–8th Ave, near 14th St

Professor: I mean, I was looking into Christianity, but then I was driven to cannibalism…

–Eugene Lang College

Jock: Man, the things I would eat out of her ass…!

–Union Square

I’ve Had It with These Motherfucking One-Liners on This Motherfucking Wednesday

Professor: Well, we’re all fucking crazy lunatic motherfuckers anyway, so why the fuck does it matter?

–NYU

Overheard by: observer

Angry black woman on cell: Yo, man, it’s like that old saying, ‘Don’t fuck with your employees, you motherfucker.’

–23rd & Broadway

Overheard by: Damn Straight

Mom to infant waving bottle around: What the fuck? Are you fucking out of your mind?!

–Manhattan-bound Q train

Drunk next to wife: Hey! Where did those girls that I fucked go? Hey! I fucked you girls! What the fuck?

–LIRR

Conductor: Union Square, motherfuckers!

–Astoria-bound N train

Overheard by: Caroline & Skid

Angry Russian thug on cell: You want fuck? I give you fuck! I stab my cock into your heart!

–Houston & 2nd

Wednesday One-or-the-Other-Liners

Charity worker: Help the homeless! [Androgynous person walks by] Even a pretty girl… boy… whatever-that-was can help!

–Times Square

Chick, wistfully: That was Vadim. He was from St. Petersburg. When we broke up he stole all my dresses.

–A train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Large black security guard, inspecting guy’s Sephora bag: You da man!

–Hayden Planetarium

Pierced 20-ish chick: So, the last time I pegged a guy he wouldn’t stop jabbering on and on about how much he loved trannies. It just made me shove in the strap-on harder.

–Delancey & Orchard

Overheard by: Californian

Guy: I sirred a ma’am today. But, in my defense, she was a very sir-able ma’am.

–33rd & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Mind If You Put Your Hand Up There

Man selling handmade finger puppets: It’s the only place you can give someone the finger without being offensive!

–58th & Madison

Overheard by: Suriya

Loud Brit to no one in particular: No matter what happens, I will not be a puppet!

–9th & 4th station

Overheard by: Russ Wall

Skinny, dirty guy: I’m your fuckin’ puppeteer, bro. I’ll crawl right into your asshole and control your every move.

–Houston

Overheard by: AdHoculi

History grad student: It’s a long story. And much better if told with finger puppets.

–Library, Barnard College

Wednesday One-Liners Would Like Extra Mayo

Black guy: White guys look at women more holistically.

–Q station, Cortelyou Rd

Overheard by: LC

Little boy: Why do white people say, ‘Like, like, like, like, like’? Is that the only word in their vocabulary?

–14th & Broadway

18-year-old thug, as doors open: Bye, all you white folk! Buh-bye!

–A train, Howard Beach/JFK stop

Overheard by: Thompson

Thug: Yo, I just watched a white kid get tasered on the news last night, and I was like, ‘Yeah, yeah, get him!’

–181st & St. Nicholas

Overheard by: I knew that kid

Three-year-old girl to no one in particular: The white man is everywhere. [Mother looks at her, puzzled. Girl gazes up at crosswalk sign] The white man tells us when to go.

–86th & 2nd

Overheard by: Damn the man!

Wednesday One-Liners Leave a Little Something Behind

Teacher: Little known fact — you can still get crabs even if you wear a condom. Those suckers just jump from one person to the next, and then you have to go to the doctor and say, ‘Yes, I’m a dirty human being.’

–Bronx Science

Woman with wine glass on cell: Your sister is about to fuck my ex-husband and FYI — he has herpes.

–Outside the Hudson Hotel

Yuppie to chick: You look like you have herpes, but I’d sleep with you anyways.

–51st & 9th

Overheard by: A. Bystander

Chick on cell: Dude, like when Princeton claimed everything was confidential from our parents, but I got a copy of a bill they sent them that said, clearly, ‘Chlamydia and gonorrhea test…’

–113th & Broadway

Overheard by: McF.

Chick to friends: That’s a story for when you’re fucking and you say, ‘Hey, you only get AIDS once…’

–10th & Ave B

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