Janet Reno Day One-Liners

Short thug, holding baby, yelling at indie girl outside deli: My baby don't like you! Don't you ever come near my baby again! She thinks you got a ugly face!

–176th & Broadway

Overheard by: emily d.

Older woman to young couple proudly pushing baby stroller: That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!

–2nd Ave & 10th St

Tourist to another: I thought New York was supposed to be filled with good-looking people. My god, everyone here is so ugly!

–Midtown Bar

Husband to wife: Why do we always get ugly German nannies? Always! Why?

–Broadway & 13th St

Posted on December 14, 2022
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Beauty, Body Parts, Comebacks, Compare/Contrast, Couples, Delis, Foreigners, Girls, Gripes, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, One-liners, Parents, Physical appearance, Questions, Street, The Village, Thugs, Tourism, Tourists, Union Square and East Village, Washington Heights and Inwood, Wednesday One-Liners

Your Editors Assumed It Was a Marijuana Thing.

Little kid: I'm the highest reader in my class!
Dad's friend: What, are all the kids in your class Chinese?

–The Great Lawn

Overheard by: Mariah

Posted on November 28, 2022
Central Park, Comebacks, Compare/Contrast, Education, Elementary & Middle School, Foreigners, Friends, Kids

Wednesday One-Liners Burp the Worm

Teen girl: If you want to lose weight, watch a lot of porn. I'm serious, if you watch porn, you won't have to eat for hours. Oh, and masturbating burns a lot of calories, too.

–Brooklyn

Very upset drunk hobo, after conductor announces last stop: Your kickin' all these people out to wait for the next train, just so you can jerk off?

–Bowling Green Station

Street dancer: Everyone on earth was born as a result of an orgasm. Everyone masturbates. And if they say they don't, they're lying. Even the Pope masturbates!

–Union Square

Irish dude, throwing tea to the ground: It's not right, man! Asshole masturbated in my tea!

–Outside Starbucks

Teen thug: I wanna pleasure myself while writing an essay, what's the problem with that?

–Q Train

Overheard by: Robert G.

Posted on October 21, 2022
Books & Writing, Brooklyn, Conductors, Diet/Weight, Drinks, Drunks, Foreigners, Girls, Guys, Hobos, Insults, Lies, Masturbation, On the Subway, One-liners, Orgasm, Pope, Porn, Public Transportation, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Starbucks, Street, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Teens, Thugs, Union Square and East Village, Vendors & Street Performers, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

He’s Talking About Blast Radius

Nosy customer: So what are you from, Germany?
Guy with accent: No, Austria.
Nosy customer: Ha, close enough.
Guy with accent: Err, no, not really.

–Ess-a-Bagel

Overheard by: Chris

Posted on September 16, 2022
Clerks, Customers, Food, Foreigners, Global Geography

Wednesday One-Liners Kinda Miss Bush's Speeches

President: Are they de-seminating the office?…I mean decimating?

–40th & Madison Ave

Overheard by: EScrillz

Girl reading poster: The fastest… (pause) "fastest." Is that a word?

–42nd St AMC Theatre

Overheard by: Steph

Man on cell: Yeah, well that's what the beasting is for!

–Penn Station

Woman to friends: You know me, I say what I speak.

–Fordham Road

Frenchman trying to learn English: I was a beef with those potatoes!

–TGI Fridays, Times Square

Overheard by: CS

Hipster art student to friend: As much as…like…whatever, like.

–School of Visual Arts

Overheard by: I guess that's English

Tourist: I feel so elated! Wait…no, I mean, "violated."

–Uptown 3 Train

Overheard by: Sally Tempo

Posted on July 7, 2022
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bosses, College, Compare/Contrast, Cum, Food, Foreigners, Friends, Girls, Hipsters, Languages, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Movie Theaters, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Penn Station, Questions, Rape, Restaurants & Cafes, Street, Students, Stupidity, The Bronx, Times Square, Tourists, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women, Words

The Island of Dr. Wednesday One-Liners

Man on cell: Was there a lot of bleeding? [unintelligible reply] Well, was it four sheep or five? [reply] We have to find a way to separate the cows from the sheep.

–Elevator, 56th & 8th

Drunk girl, yelling: All I want is a llama! Another cocktail and a llama!

–Terminal 5

Dude: So you’re enjoying acting, LA, monogamy, horses?

–Cafe Esperanto

Chick to friend: I don’t care how well you clean it, I am not doing shots out of that alligator!

–TriBeCa

Overheard by: lalala

Swanky pin-stripe suit on cellphone: The little shit will definitely get approved. He’s as healthy as a French gay ox.

–51st & 3rd

Overheard by: IG

Young black dude: You know the movie The Lion King? Yeah The Lion King! …You know, the one with all the tigers.

–4 Train

Overheard by: BQM lady

Man: Manatees are the most peaceful creatures in the world… They get hit by motor boats!

–Astor Place

Posted on July 5, 2022
Accidents, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Black People, Blood & bleeding, Cleanliness, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Disney, Drinks, Drunks, Elevators, Foreigners, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Guys, JFK Airport, Jobs & Careers, Men, Movies, Names, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Questions, Relationships, Restaurants & Cafes, Rich people, Stupidity, Suits, The Village, U.S. Geography, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weirdness

That’s More Like a Commune

Guy: At some point, the fucking union of New York City deli workers must have met to decide breakfast would no longer be cheap.
Girl: You think they have a union or something?
Guy: Yeah, it’s called Chinatown.

–Water & Pine

Posted on June 29, 2022
Food, Foreigners, Girls, Guys

Wears a Hockey Mask Everywhere

Suit #1: Then Paul* just totally lost it, and threw his cellphone at Dave*.
Suit #2: My god! What was he thinking?
Suit #1: I don't think Dave minded that much. He's Canadian.

–5th & W 57th

Overheard by: Charlotte

Posted on April 3, 2022
Cell Phone, Crazy, Foreigners, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Suits

Your Editors Only Wish We Could Stop Watching Her

Guy: Snookie is not even Italian. She is Chilean.
Girl: Snookie is a creature of her own. I don't know what she is… She likes pickles.

–7th & 1st

Overheard by: R

Posted on March 1, 2022
Food, Foreigners, Girls, Guys, The Village

Sadly, the Wart, Green Skin, and Pointed Hat Were Effectively Invisible Compared with the Limp Wrist, Sashaying Hips, and Love of Shoes

Girl #1: Wow, look at all the babies out here!
Polish queer: Mmm… dinner.
Girl #2: What?
Polish queer: I’m just living up to the stereotype…. Witches? Eating babies?
Girl #2: Oh! I thought you meant Polish people!
Guy: I thought you meant gay people!

–Great Lawn, Central Park

Overheard by: Caroline

Posted on January 22, 2022
Babies, Central Park, Food, Foreigners, Gays and Lesbians, Idiots, Queer guys, Stupidity, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!

Foreigners

Janet Reno Day One-Liners