Idiots

Reader Poll: How Long before They Become a Couple?

Guy #1: … And ‘K’ on a triple-letter score makes 45.
Chick-who-doesn’t-give-blowjobs: What’s that? ‘Upchuck’? That’s not a word!
Guy #1: I’m afraid it is, dear.
Chick #2: Yup.
Guy #1: Go to dictionary dot com — look it up.
Chick-who-doesn’t-give-blowjobs: And what does this word mean?
Guy #2: Well, upchuck is what you would do if you saw smegma.
Guy #1: Last time she saw smegma I got 42 points!
Chick #2, on computer: I just looked up ‘upchuck.’ It means ‘vomit.’
Guy #2: Smegma, upchuck… Mike, I’m noticing a pattern in your choice of words.
Guy #1: I just try to think of words that will get Tina really upset.
Chick-who-doesn’t-give-blowjobs: Well, thank you very much. Are you proud that you’re a disgusting pig?
Guy #1: I would say I’m at peace with myself.

—Another Scrabble party, 34th & 2nd

Overheard by: Big Larry

No It Doesn’t, and Quit Scratching My Balls

Thug #1: Too much curry, man.
Thug #2: You don’t like curry?
Thug #1: Naw…
Thug #2: Yeah, it makes your balls itch.

–Indian spice store, 1st Ave, between 5th & 6th St

Overheard by: Anthony Recchia

Headline by: h

Runners-Up:
· “Be More Discerning Who You Bangalore” – Barry P.
· “He Prefers Ginger Who Makes Them Tingle, Instead.” – Lizard
· “No, No, I’m Talking About the Spice, Not the Tim.” – Katie
· “Why Else Do You Think Indians Wear Such Loose Pants?” – waphle
· “You Know, Just Because It Looks Like a Baby Powder Bottle…” – Herbie McHebrew

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

While Visualizing It Turning into Vitamins

Little girl: Mommy, can I have ice cream?
Mom: No! Not until you finish your McDonald’s. Then you can have that ice cream.

–Atlantic Center

Overheard by: Ms.Zipcar

They Were Out of Chairs

Guy: … And the worst part was, I was sitting on my own scrotum.

–71st St & Queens Blvd, Forest Hills

Overheard by: smh

And, Like, What Kind of School Involves Factory Labor?

Latina #1 pushing stroller: Mira! Today was the first day of David’s school!
Latina #2: Damn! It start so quickly already?
Latina #1: Yeah, I went to drop David and met with the principal. He seemed a bit shady.
Latina #2: Shady? Like how?
Latina #1: I dunno. He was going on about how he treat everybody in school like his own children. I was like, ‘Hold up! What family has so many kids, anyway?’

–9th & 4th

I’m Just Not Ready to Lay Eggs at This Point in My Life

Bimbette: Yeah, well, I don’t give head.
Guy: Oh, why? You don’t like it?
Bimbette: No, it’s just that I’m afraid to get pregnant!

–78th & 41st

Overheard by: rain

You’ll Be Sorry — This Is a Limited-Time Muffin!

Tourist: What kind of berry is a triberry?
Barista: What?
Tourist: You’re selling a triberry muffin. Well, what’s a triberry? I’ve never heard of that before.
Barista: It has blueberry, strawberry, and raspberry in it. They call it triberry because it has three kinds of berries in it.
Tourist: So there aren’t any triberries in it?
Barista: No.
Tourist: Then why do you call it a triberry muffin? That’s false advertising.
Barista: As I explained, it’s called that because it has three berries in it.
Tourist: But none of those berries are triberries?
Barista: No. There is no such thing as a triberry.
Tourist: I don’t understand.
Barista: Look, do you want the muffin or not?
Tourist: I don’t think so. I don’t want to eat anything unless I know what it is first.
Barista: So what can I get you?
Tourist: Do you have a donut?
Barista: No.
Tourist: Never mind. [leaves]Barista: Dumbass.

–Starbucks

Overheard by: Waplow

I Think “Hemingway Stole All His Ideas From Me” Is Explanation Enough

Professor: Care to elaborate on that?
Student who answered question: I’d rather not.

–NYU Law School

Overheard by: Vitto

Headline by: Alli

Runners-Up:

· “But I would like to know the specifics of why you think I should go fuck myself.” – Bassmanbish

· “I Don’t Think I Could. I Elaborated In The Shower This Morning.” – Redneck Jedi

· “Let me rephrase, what the fuck do you mean?” – chris sowell

· “Objection! Asked and answered.” – Law School Dropout

· “See ‘Billing By the Hour’ to Learn Why That’s the Wrong Answer” – PhoenixRising

· “The first rule of law school is: We do not talk about law school.” – Steve-o


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Ow — Jesus! I Point with That Finger

Lady: It’s freezing out. Is the weather cold like this in Korea? [Manicurist is silent.] Hello? Is it this cold in Korea? … Does she speak English?
Manicurist: I’m Chinese.
Lady: Oh, well, I eat a lot of Chinese vegetables.

–Nail salon, Queens

Overheard by: Risa

Mom Has a Parallel Argument for Virginity

Tourist teen with new Uggs: Ma, can I wear these out of the store? Please?
Tourist mom: Are you fucking insane? Do you want them to be black in this filthy place? I just paid a hundred and fifty bucks for those. Take your feet out of them and don’t stick them back in until we get back to Michigan.

–David Z, 5th Ave

Overheard by: nicole h.

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