On the Subway

If White People Didn’t Exist, We’d Have to Invent Them

Fat, drunk black chick: Fuck that shit! I gotta go, and I will pee on this train!
Sister: Stop. I’m not playing, sit down.
Fat, drunk black chick: Say I won’t, Teesha, say I won’t! I will piss on this train!
Sister: Stop, you’re bothering people. Just sit down. I swear to God, I swear I’ll get off.
Fat, drunk black chick: Then I will pee on the platform. Nah, nah, I’m gonna pee on this train! Say I won’t!
Sister: You’re bothering people.
Fat, drunk black chick: White people?! I don’t care about white people! You know what they did? Fuck them — they diseased our country. They brought us HIV! TB! All that shit! They need to go back on their boats! I will pee on this train! Then we’ll see who’s diseased!

–A train, between 145th & 34th

It Was Only a Welterweight Slap

Girl #1: So he slapped you with his penis?
Girl #2: Well, yeah — what else does he have?

–2 train

Overheard by: RetroSarcasm

The Tragic Tale of a Looseleaf Binder, and the Boy Who Loved It in Vain

Teen girl: The Notebook was mad sad! I cried.
Teen boy: What is it about?
Teen girl: I forgot.

–1 train

Actually, Clothing Is Sometimes Optional

Dude #1: Is cable a need or a necessity?
Dude #2: What?!
Dude #1: I mean, clothes are a need — you need to wear clothes — so cable’s a necessity, not a need.

–F train

They Have That Ritalin Glow about Them

Little boy pointing to subway ad: Mommy, what are those?
Mother: Those are grown-ups.
Little boy: Kids.
Mother: No, those are just happy grown-ups, so they look like kids.

–1 train

Since I’m an Innocent Victim of Circumstance

Ghetto chick #1: They always tryin’ to fight with me! No matter what I do they always want to fight with me. Even they mother.
Ghetto chick #2: They mother? Ain’t she, like, 50 years old?
Ghetto chick #1: Or more. And she be comin’ out the house with hammers. She don’t play around. All of them fighting, and who go to jail for it? Me! Every weekend we fight, someone call the cops, and I go to jail. Every weekend. Just me. Because I’m on probation. I’m out on bail right now.
Ghetto chick #2: Uh-huh.
Ghetto chick #1: And I just don’t know when it’s gonna end. When is it gonna end? Someone’s gonna have to die — that’s all I know. One of these mothafuckah’s gonna have to die.

–C train

How about If I Smoke It and Don’t Go?

Hipster #1: Shit, I forgot the wine.
Hipster #2: You’re such an idiot. Where is it?
Hipster #1: I don’t know, in some store somewhere. But it’s okay, because I have a joint.
Hipster #2: You can’t bring a joint if she invited us for dinner. It’s not a ‘thank you’ if you’re just gonna smoke it.

–Brooklyn-bound F train

Overheard by: Yiriam Madison

To Treat My Misanthropy

Chick: Okay, here is my job application. Under ‘Goals’ I have, ‘Get my people skills to a comfortable level.’ For ‘Steps to Achieve These Goals’ I have, ‘Right now I am passive-aggressive, but I am working to become more aggressive.’
Dude: Ummm, I think you should take out the first ‘aggressive.’ Anyway, you aren’t passive-aggressive, you are bipolar.
Chick: I am not! I just hate everyone!
Dude: Then why do you take the crazy pills?

–A train, near Canal St

We Put Up Flyers on Neighborhood Trees but… Nothing.

Foreign lady: So, a couple of years ago my country floated away from Venezuela.
Foreign man: Good for you!

–1 train

I Burn for Him

Teen girl: I love Mr. Mallows*!
Teen boy: Yeah, I know. Dude’s like, ‘I have hemorrhoids’!

–6 train

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