People

Wednesday One-liners Are Ready for Valentine’s

Yale guy on cell: Oh, you’ll like this. So, I hooked up with this girl this weekend, and got a handjob from her…But, the thing is, she had one hand…No, she had an arm, just no hand. And she gave me a handjob. With the other one…I started laughing when she started giving me a handjob, because, well…Yeah. The irony of the whole thing…Yeah, but she was real hot…Huge boobs…I think I’m gonna try and hook up with her again and see if she’ll rub my balls…Yeah, man, with the other one…The other…Yeah.

–Metro-North train

Overheard by: rDave

Wednesday One-liners Could Use a Scrubbing

Vendor guy: I got so much dirt under my nails, you’d think I was a crackhead.

–Fulton Mall

Overheard by: Black Girl Superstar

Wednesday One-liners for Fashion Week

Crazy guy: It’s the anniversary of the blue angora sweater!

–Pratt Library, Clinton Hill

Overheard by: Tara Topaz

Wednesday One-liners Press the Fontanelle

Guy: …and they’d been trying to get pregnant for a while. Like two years. And I just, I thought she had so much anxiety and that wasn’t the right atmosphere to conceive. And so, I wrote them a song called “There’s a Baby on the Way” and a few months later the whole family was together and they announced they were pregnant. And I told them that I’d written a song “There’s a Baby on the Way” and that I’d written it June 10th. And she’s like, “That‘s the day we found out.” And my other friends in LA, they’d been trying and I played them the song and sure enough…

–Eat Gourmet Foods, Madison Avenue

Wednesday One-liners Could Use Some Color

Hipster guy: Two black guys fucking two white bitches on Martin Luther King day. That shit’s trippy. I bet that was what that whole “I have a dream” shit was really about. The right to fuck white bitches.

–Starbucks, 28th & 3rd

God Tells Wednesday One-liners to Kill People

Teen girl: …You know they didn’t have guns back then…But if they did, Jesus would have shot them niggas.

–Williamsburg

Just Don’t Drive in Them, Honey

Girl #1: Did you see those other glasses I tried on?
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: I looked like Amelia Earhart.

–Charlotte Russe, Manhattan Mall

Overheard by: Andrea West

Hmm, Hadn’t Thought of It That Way Before

Guy #1: Dude, all this Groundhog Day shit is bullshit. It is impossible for something to not have a shadow. All things that move have shadows. If it don’t move, then it don’t have a shadow. Groundhog Day is bullshit.
Guy #2: Dude, you’re a dumbass. Only living things have shadows.

–5th Avenue & 9th Street

Overheard by: Kori Hensell

She Finds Out In Nine Months

Girl #1: So, I think I’m gonna name my kid Senator. Isn’t that great? I’m going to name him Senator, but he won’t have to ever aspire to anything. Imagine in, like, third grade: Senator Nelson!
Girl #2: Ha, ha! I think I want to name my kid Does.
Girl #1: Would you spell it D-o-e-s?
Girl #2: Yeah, totally. Isn’t that a great name?
Girl #1: I’m going to have either a kid or a monkey named Chimapate.

–3rd & B

Overheard by: Jenya

Make Room for One More, Bronx Science

Little boy #1: Can I have that dinosaur?
Little boy #2: Only if you guess what number I have in my head, under 10, okay? Under 10!
Little boy #1: Eleven?
Little boy #2: No, under 10!
Little boy #1: A hundred?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: The Avalanches

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