Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Aren’t Having It

Ditz: This chair is so comfortable. It feels just like the chair they let me sit in for 30 minutes after I got my abortion… No, that one was even more comfortable!

–Kmart, Astor Pl

Girl on cell: And it worked? So, when are you going to miscarry? You are so smart. That’s awesome. Teach me, Simone. Teach me.

–Subway from Ditmars Blvd into Times Square

Overheard by: Meg

Chick: They were on a roadtrip in Ohio. They had this idea to bum-rush the abortion clinic protestors. She would throw her mom down on the ground and start eating her out. Then they would get up and run away.

–Brooklyn-bound L train

Seven-year-old girl: So, Mommy, why did Aunt Debbie kill the baby in her tummy?

–3rd St & 5th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: Matty H

Hipster girl on cell: Seriously, every time I hear a guy say he’s pro-choice I just want to have his babies.

–Housing Works Bookstore

Blond man on cell: Thank you for calling the abortion clinic. You rape ’em, we scrape ’em… Hi, Dad.

–45th & Broadway

Overheard by: Brady

Wednesday One-Liners Are Pissed at Michael Richards

Clueless white lady: Oh, I wanted to see this Dave Chappelle’s Black Party— I mean, uh…

–Virgin Megastore, Union Square

White guy: I didn’t call him a monkey because he was black, I called him a monkey because he’s a fucking retard.

–Washington Square North

Overheard by: Rachel W.

Little Dominican boy to teacher: How come only black people get to be Indians?

–Plains Indians exhibit, Museum of Natural History

Old white lady trips over middle-aged white guy’s luggage: You’re just as bad as the black people!

–Grand Central

Overheard by: trying to get out of the way

Black guy to white guy in giant afro wig: Yeah, I wish I could be black.

–St. Mark’s Pl

Wednesday One-Liners Are Melanin-Challenged

White woman with white pooch on cell: I fucking hate white people.

–19th & Park

Chick: Yeah, I always wanted to do that play in high school, but then I was like, ‘Oh, yeah, I’m white.’

–13th & 5th

Overheard by: Sarah

Hobo to group of teen hipster girls: Oh my god, you ladies are beautiful! And you’re all white!

–Bleecker St

Black chick: When I was little I thought that white people pooped white.

–35th & 8th

Old black lady to others outside office building being investigated for the smell of gas: … And then I saw all the white people leaving, so I left.

–15th & 8th

Overheard by: Evacuated Employee

Wednesday One-Liners Skate by on Their Looks

Woman, about Kate Moss photo: At the time they don’t think that you’re on drugs, they just think that you’re beautiful.

–Brooklyn Museum

Overheard by: Harried Visitor

Old woman to another: He had a beautiful, beautiful body, a handsome face, and a big old dick that would just kill ya!

–14th & Broadway

Overheard by: rita

Perfume seller: Designer perfume! Five dollars. Only five dollars. Discounts for pretty ladies. [Looks at lady passerby] For you… $4.99.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Renea

Extreme Makeover: Wednesday One-Liners Edition

Guy to chick with him: I’d hold your hand, but my heart hates uggoes.

–67th & 1st

Girl watching two hot Mormon guys walk by: I think it evens out. I have actually seen ugly Mormons.

–Flatbush & 5th Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: stephanie k

Dude: Yeah, she’s not ugly, but she’s definitely not pretty. But she wants me to set her up with one of my friends. I told her that they’re all either married or ugly, but then I realized I should set her up with one of the uglies because it’ll help her self esteem.

–Rangers Game, Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Veronica

Hoochie: I mean, he’s not the ugliest guy I’ve made out with. I made out with a guy who looked like Alf.

–Time Warner Center

Overheard by: Tater Tot

Old guy: I’m a good judge of character. That’s why I never talk to her. That and because she’s got a face like a foot. I never talk to ugly people.

–Viacom elevator, 1515 Broadway

Working-Girl Wednesday One-Liners

Man with large bag: Out of the way! Get out of the way! Hooker on the job! Out of the way!

–42nd & Broadway

Guido dad walking out of American Girl with young daughter in hand: 43 dollars for a doll… She looking like a hooker!

–5th Ave

Overheard by: RP

Cabbie: No, sir! We do not stick our head out of the cab to yell at hookers!

–Times Square

Suit: I paid you five hundred dollars and you won’t fucking let me touch you!

–Starbucks, Spring St

Overheard by: thwarted

20-something girl on cell: … So he is gonna buy me a plane ticket to come down to Florida for two days, basically to have sex, since it’s not like any kind of relationship… I mean, that kinda makes me into a prostitute, right? But I’m totally down with that [laughs].

–34th St

Guy on cell: Hello, where are you located? … Alright, so what kind of girls do you have? African?

–Astor Pl

Overheard by: Jessie

Young girl to group of friends: We would sell for so much. We’re all young and fresh!

–L train

Non-Consensual Wednesday One-Liners

Guy on cell: Hell yeah, I’ll go rape Eminem!

–33rd St, Astoria

Overheard by: Christine

Drunk girl: If you rape me with that stuffed animal again, I’m gonna hurt you!

–6 train

NYU Student: It is hard to rape a tree.

–715 Broadway

Hobo: You cannot rape women! It is illegal!

–12th St & 4th Ave

Overheard by: sober eavesdropper

Woman: Why do you always have to start with gang rape?

–82nd St & West End

Overheard by: Mosteen.

Girl: Did you read the New York Times? The elephants are, like, raping the rhinoceros!

–Silver Center, NYU

Overheard by: Genevieve

Wednesday One-Liners Now Get Rollover Minutes

Chick: So, my friend called me yesterday and said, ‘I called you because I had diarrhea and it made me think of you.’

–Starbucks, 110th & Broadway

Overheard by: Fudd

Frustrated man: You call me back and I’ll tell you where the food is!

–23rd & 6th

Girl on cell with ex-boyfriend: Wait a second, I don’t get good service here. Let me go outside so I can yell at you.

–Loehmann’s, 16th & 7th

Yuppie dressed as hipster: Hey. Oh, sorry I didn’t call… So, yeah, I was in a kidnapping today…

–Bleecker

Bus driver over intercom: And to your right you will see a sleazy motel. If you notice any cars that look familar please give a quick call home.

–Q46 bus

Wednesday One-Liners Are Unincorporated Territory

Woman: Come here, sweetheart! You lousy fucking Puerto Rican scum!

–4th & MacDougal

Construction worker to another: Come here, I’ll buy you some food ’cause you’re my man. What, you want Puerto Rican food? They’ve got Puerto Rican food here.

–Burger King, 46th St, between 5th & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Suit: Have you ever been to Croatia? They treated me like a god just for being Puerto Rican.

–M31 bus, between Madison & Lex

Dude: Nawww, don’t go to Puerto Rico. It’s just like New Jersey!

–Outside Caliente Cab Co.

Wednesday One-Liners Have to Go

Lady on cell: Trust me, this is the one time you can pee on a woman and not totally demean her.

–Grand Central

Well-dressed woman holding a McDonald’s cup that her son, pants still around his ankles, pissed into: Nice job, honey.

–14th & 6th

Girl in back row: I really like the new LIRR trains. I never pissed in the old ones, but I licked one once… Oh, and I pissed on the floor of a new one… Yeah, I did.

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Wishing my Physics Final Started 5 min’s ago

Pissing hobo: This piss is for Mike Bloomberg. Ahhh, yeah.

–Barnes & Noble restroom, 82nd St

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