Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Wish They Had Medical Insurance

Girl on cell, smiling and laughing: Maybe because he’s a cripple!

–Pavilion Movie Theater

Overheard by: Jamie F

Running tween girl to friend: I’m going to give you breast cancer, you idiot!

–Times Square

Yuppie woman on cell and pushing empty wheelchair: Honey, guess what? I’m not a paraplegic anymore! No, seriously! Isn’t that great?!

–12th & 3rd

Suit on cell: You shouldn’t feel bad for the boy who cried uterine trouble.

–A train

Overheard by: Sue

Woman to street vendor: That’s the problem with my inverted uterus…

–Prince & Broadway

Overheard by: BT

Genius holding her breath to cure hiccups: Oh my god, I hate the hiccups. I mean, seriously. The hiccups are the most annoying thing ever. Like, if I had the choice of having cancer or the hiccups, I would choose cancer. I mean, I know people who’ve had cancer, and the hiccups are way more annoying.

–N train

Overheard by: jessica

Jersey chick to friend, after denying deaf panhandler: I mean, if he were missing a limb or something, that would be one thing…

–NJT train from Penn Station

Overheard by: gotta draw the line somewhere

Wednesday One-Liners for Michael Douglas

Gleeful girl to friend: Hey, do you like child trafficking?!

–Union Square

Overheard by: NYCtrippedmyconscience

Hobo sitting on ground cleaning a trumpet, to hot lady passerby: Hey, don’t fucking look at me — I’m too old for you!

–51st & 2nd

Overheard by: Outlaw

20-ish chick on cell: I only fucked that scum-sucking man-whore because my ex was fucking an 18-year-old.

–Bleecker & Broadway

Teacher with group of kids on field trip: It’s so hard to find a tall, skinny senior boy.

–C train

Overheard by: ej

Teen girl: Yeah, Renata can totally pull off pedophilia.

–C train

Overheard by: sarah

Wednesday One-Liners Watch Oz

Woman to friend: It just wasn’t what they imagined when they dreamed of going to jail.

–5th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: MK

LA bimbette to another: I think, like, everyone I know has been arrested. I mean, like, who hasn’t been charged with a drunk and disorderly at least once?

–R train

Chick to friend: Yeah, he got a lot of gold chains, but that’s an investment… That’s bail.

–Bus, Port Authority

Guy leaving subway: Hey, baby, I’m home! One more day and I’m not in jail!

–Subway entrance, 125th St

Overheard by: Leaving Harlem

Teen thug: Man, I never had to spend Valentine’s Day with my mom… If her boyfriend wasn’t in jail she wouldn’t be bothering me.

–Eastern Pkwy Library

Chick to boyfriend: So, that’s what you learned in prison?

–Central Park

Some of My Best Friends Are Wednesday One-Liners

Female conductor over speaker: Oh, I know you did not! If you wanna wait for your friends, you wait on the platform — do not hold my motherfucking doors!

–Manhattan-bound 1 train, 225th St

Young suit to another: I’m introducing you as a good friend of mine from the Bank of America, just so you know.

–Houston & Varick

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Middle-aged B&T lady: She told me she had no trouble with her friend dying in her apartment.

–375 Hudson St

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

White chick: When I was younger I used to fart really loud every time I laughed. I think that’s why I didn’t have any friends.

–Bed-Stuy

Overheard by: MaryAnnaise

Five-year-old boy throwing wad of trash at younger brother: Say hello to my little friend!

–15th & 7th, Brooklyn

Overheard by: nyamelia

Tired man on cell: You harassed me, you harassed my friends, and you cut up all my furniture… I don’t know what else there is to talk about.

–Steinway & Broadway, Astoria

Overheard by: Czarina

Tween: Yeah, and then I made my friend scratch my back with his claws… And then I got ringworm.

–Q train, 8th & Broadway

Overheard by: worldfamouscats.com

Wednesday One-Liners Aren’t Having It

Ditz: This chair is so comfortable. It feels just like the chair they let me sit in for 30 minutes after I got my abortion… No, that one was even more comfortable!

–Kmart, Astor Pl

Girl on cell: And it worked? So, when are you going to miscarry? You are so smart. That’s awesome. Teach me, Simone. Teach me.

–Subway from Ditmars Blvd into Times Square

Overheard by: Meg

Chick: They were on a roadtrip in Ohio. They had this idea to bum-rush the abortion clinic protestors. She would throw her mom down on the ground and start eating her out. Then they would get up and run away.

–Brooklyn-bound L train

Seven-year-old girl: So, Mommy, why did Aunt Debbie kill the baby in her tummy?

–3rd St & 5th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: Matty H

Hipster girl on cell: Seriously, every time I hear a guy say he’s pro-choice I just want to have his babies.

–Housing Works Bookstore

Blond man on cell: Thank you for calling the abortion clinic. You rape ’em, we scrape ’em… Hi, Dad.

–45th & Broadway

Overheard by: Brady

Wednesday One-Liners Are Pissed at Michael Richards

Clueless white lady: Oh, I wanted to see this Dave Chappelle’s Black Party— I mean, uh…

–Virgin Megastore, Union Square

White guy: I didn’t call him a monkey because he was black, I called him a monkey because he’s a fucking retard.

–Washington Square North

Overheard by: Rachel W.

Little Dominican boy to teacher: How come only black people get to be Indians?

–Plains Indians exhibit, Museum of Natural History

Old white lady trips over middle-aged white guy’s luggage: You’re just as bad as the black people!

–Grand Central

Overheard by: trying to get out of the way

Black guy to white guy in giant afro wig: Yeah, I wish I could be black.

–St. Mark’s Pl

Wednesday One-Liners Are Melanin-Challenged

White woman with white pooch on cell: I fucking hate white people.

–19th & Park

Chick: Yeah, I always wanted to do that play in high school, but then I was like, ‘Oh, yeah, I’m white.’

–13th & 5th

Overheard by: Sarah

Hobo to group of teen hipster girls: Oh my god, you ladies are beautiful! And you’re all white!

–Bleecker St

Black chick: When I was little I thought that white people pooped white.

–35th & 8th

Old black lady to others outside office building being investigated for the smell of gas: … And then I saw all the white people leaving, so I left.

–15th & 8th

Overheard by: Evacuated Employee

Wednesday One-Liners Skate by on Their Looks

Woman, about Kate Moss photo: At the time they don’t think that you’re on drugs, they just think that you’re beautiful.

–Brooklyn Museum

Overheard by: Harried Visitor

Old woman to another: He had a beautiful, beautiful body, a handsome face, and a big old dick that would just kill ya!

–14th & Broadway

Overheard by: rita

Perfume seller: Designer perfume! Five dollars. Only five dollars. Discounts for pretty ladies. [Looks at lady passerby] For you… $4.99.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Renea

Extreme Makeover: Wednesday One-Liners Edition

Guy to chick with him: I’d hold your hand, but my heart hates uggoes.

–67th & 1st

Girl watching two hot Mormon guys walk by: I think it evens out. I have actually seen ugly Mormons.

–Flatbush & 5th Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: stephanie k

Dude: Yeah, she’s not ugly, but she’s definitely not pretty. But she wants me to set her up with one of my friends. I told her that they’re all either married or ugly, but then I realized I should set her up with one of the uglies because it’ll help her self esteem.

–Rangers Game, Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Veronica

Hoochie: I mean, he’s not the ugliest guy I’ve made out with. I made out with a guy who looked like Alf.

–Time Warner Center

Overheard by: Tater Tot

Old guy: I’m a good judge of character. That’s why I never talk to her. That and because she’s got a face like a foot. I never talk to ugly people.

–Viacom elevator, 1515 Broadway

Working-Girl Wednesday One-Liners

Man with large bag: Out of the way! Get out of the way! Hooker on the job! Out of the way!

–42nd & Broadway

Guido dad walking out of American Girl with young daughter in hand: 43 dollars for a doll… She looking like a hooker!

–5th Ave

Overheard by: RP

Cabbie: No, sir! We do not stick our head out of the cab to yell at hookers!

–Times Square

Suit: I paid you five hundred dollars and you won’t fucking let me touch you!

–Starbucks, Spring St

Overheard by: thwarted

20-something girl on cell: … So he is gonna buy me a plane ticket to come down to Florida for two days, basically to have sex, since it’s not like any kind of relationship… I mean, that kinda makes me into a prostitute, right? But I’m totally down with that [laughs].

–34th St

Guy on cell: Hello, where are you located? … Alright, so what kind of girls do you have? African?

–Astor Pl

Overheard by: Jessie

Young girl to group of friends: We would sell for so much. We’re all young and fresh!

–L train

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