Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Were Told There Was No Such Thing As a Stupid Question

CSR on phone: Yoko, I need someone to speak Chinese to a customer… What do you mean you only speak Japanese? Aren’t they the same?

–Citibank, Rockefeller Plaza

Blonde girl: Are we in a tunnel?

–Tour bus, Lincoln Tunnel

Overheard by: Adriane S

Temp: Do they celebrate Thanksgiving in Europe?

–Mailroom, PR firm

HS girl: The directions say go West. So I guess that means go left. Does West always mean left?

–1/9 train, 14th St

Overheard by: LA Law Girl

Girl on line for ice rink: Ummm, so, is it heated in there?

–Outdoor skating rink, Bryant Park

Overheard by: R&S

NYU girl: What language do they speak in Russia?

–Hayden Residence Hall, Washington Sq

Scholar: Is the West Fourth Street on the East side or the West side?

–6 train, 86th St

Wednesday One-Liners Pick Up Boys in the Frozen Food Aisle

Poli-Sci professor: … And the FCC makes rulings so that you can’t show nipples at the Super Bowl.

–Hunter College

Overheard by: Brownsvillegirl

Girl: Wouldn’t it be weird to kill someone using only your nipples?

–Harlem

Overheard by: Argopelter

Tan chick: I don’t want those black bitches looking at my nipples.

–L train

20-ish broad: I just don’t think the tassles are big enough to fit over my nipples.

–Momofuku Ssam Bar, 13th & 2nd

Overheard by: McFreaky

Ghetto dude rapping to friends: Yo, the hash balls there are bigger than your girl’s nipples!

–E 4th St & Ave A

Overheard by: punkee

Nerd: My nipples are so hard they could pick a lock.

–Javits Center

Overheard by: Allisa

Sorostitute: Tonight would have been so much better if my nipple hadn’t exploded.

–Marriott, Times Square

Deliberately Obfuscating Wednesday One-Liners

Mom to 13-year-old boy: Honey, that was really scatological.

–Bleecker & 6th

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Woman: No, tiny Katie — the one with the enormous mammary protruberances.

–R train, Queens Plaza

Overheard by: I mean I wanna squeeze ’em!

Suit mom to teen daughter: We should go, but before we do, perhaps we should urinate.

–Barnes & Noble, Court St

Overheard by: Zenana

Dude: I have many ways to distance myself from other people. Primarily gastronomically.

–12th St, between 2nd & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: tbull

Man on cell: I am so not litigious. I am, like, violently not litigious.

–66th & Broadway

Overheard by: Nora

Girl: I mean, come on! We’re in college! Can’t the word ‘silly’ stay in the dorms? I mean, there’s a dictionary full of words that could be used to describe something so… erroneous.

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Kate Melvin

Wednesday One-Liners Meet Their Totem Animals

Teen girl to teen boy: It’s all your fault! Whenever I spend the night with you, the animals suffer.

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Zoe

Scene kid: So yeah, he texted me the other day saying, ‘Have you ever seen 30 orphans in a bar before? Me neither. Not until tonight.’ Yeah, they were on their way to a snake farm or something.

–R train

Overheard by: The Bostonian

Woman on phone: Snookie poo… You’re my snookie poo, chipmunk… You mad, chipmunk? Yeah, you a chipmunk and I’m a squirrel. When we get together we throw acorns at the world.

–Q46 bus to Queens Blvd

Man: And then I was like, ‘I’m not a squirrel, I’m a gay man!’

–Mac store

Girl to guy: I’ll never forget the day my goat got polio.

–25th St, Chelsea

Overheard by: Not eating goat cheese anymore

Very loud woman: What, you got lobsters coming out of your ears, you sonofabitch?

–Cubana Cafe, Boerum Hill, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Trying to eat dinner in peace

Sororitard: Everyone always thinks death by shark is horrible, but I’m telling you, it is not that bad.

–Wall St

Overheard by: Pengasaurus

Wednesday One-Liners for Congress

Trendy Asian girl on cell: So, Max came over last night and we were in the kitchen, and he lifted me up onto the counter and was like, ‘I am gonna fuck you so hard,’ and I was like, ‘Whoa, oh my god!’ But I couldn’t go through with it. So he walked over to the fridge, opened it up, and put his head inside and started, like, banging his head against the wall. I know, can you believe that?

–LIRR

Overheard by: Emily Leatrice

Hipster: I’d feel more comfortable in a sex club than going on a date.

–Penn Station

Hot chick on cell: Yes! Yes! O-M-G! We are sooo going to have a sex-a-thon! Get the girls together, my place, tonight! [To gawking passengers] Sex and the City -athon. Fucking perverts. W-T-F.

–N train

Overheard by: not invited

Teacher: Every time you put a penis into a vagina you’re risking sex.

–Health Class, LaGuardia HS

Overheard by: mf

Girl: I heard two people having really loud sex on my floor last night. It was either gay guys or Asians, I couldn’t tell.

–Cafeteria, Manhattan School of Music

Overheard by: Christiana Little

Fat suit: He made me watch while he fucked some girl, so I’m gonna make him watch while I fuck some guy!

–Astor Pl

Overheard by: Glad I wasn’t the other guy…

20-ish chick: What? I fornicate all the time, and I’ve never been arrested!

–Subway station

Overheard by: subwayrider

The L-Wednesday-One-Liner

Woman to friend: Hey, you know, this is where that lesbian touched my ass!

–W 3rd Ave & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Sakura

Chick on cell: We’re, like, the best pseudo-lesbian couple who send out erotic postcards in the world. And you can quote me on that, missy!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: McFreaky

Man wearing rainbow wig and playing a ukulele: This next song is dedicated to all the fathers out there who play with their children and take them places. To the fathers who don’t — the lesbians have a point.

–In line for Statue of Liberty

Overheard by: Stas

Nine-year-old boy: I am a lesbian, I am a lesbian…

–Central Park

Girl showing necklace to friend: You’re a raging dyke! Would you wear this?

–Canal & Church St

Overheard by: NYCDoll

Wednesday One-Liners Wish They Had Medical Insurance

Girl on cell, smiling and laughing: Maybe because he’s a cripple!

–Pavilion Movie Theater

Overheard by: Jamie F

Running tween girl to friend: I’m going to give you breast cancer, you idiot!

–Times Square

Yuppie woman on cell and pushing empty wheelchair: Honey, guess what? I’m not a paraplegic anymore! No, seriously! Isn’t that great?!

–12th & 3rd

Suit on cell: You shouldn’t feel bad for the boy who cried uterine trouble.

–A train

Overheard by: Sue

Woman to street vendor: That’s the problem with my inverted uterus…

–Prince & Broadway

Overheard by: BT

Genius holding her breath to cure hiccups: Oh my god, I hate the hiccups. I mean, seriously. The hiccups are the most annoying thing ever. Like, if I had the choice of having cancer or the hiccups, I would choose cancer. I mean, I know people who’ve had cancer, and the hiccups are way more annoying.

–N train

Overheard by: jessica

Jersey chick to friend, after denying deaf panhandler: I mean, if he were missing a limb or something, that would be one thing…

–NJT train from Penn Station

Overheard by: gotta draw the line somewhere

Wednesday One-Liners for Michael Douglas

Gleeful girl to friend: Hey, do you like child trafficking?!

–Union Square

Overheard by: NYCtrippedmyconscience

Hobo sitting on ground cleaning a trumpet, to hot lady passerby: Hey, don’t fucking look at me — I’m too old for you!

–51st & 2nd

Overheard by: Outlaw

20-ish chick on cell: I only fucked that scum-sucking man-whore because my ex was fucking an 18-year-old.

–Bleecker & Broadway

Teacher with group of kids on field trip: It’s so hard to find a tall, skinny senior boy.

–C train

Overheard by: ej

Teen girl: Yeah, Renata can totally pull off pedophilia.

–C train

Overheard by: sarah

Wednesday One-Liners Watch Oz

Woman to friend: It just wasn’t what they imagined when they dreamed of going to jail.

–5th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: MK

LA bimbette to another: I think, like, everyone I know has been arrested. I mean, like, who hasn’t been charged with a drunk and disorderly at least once?

–R train

Chick to friend: Yeah, he got a lot of gold chains, but that’s an investment… That’s bail.

–Bus, Port Authority

Guy leaving subway: Hey, baby, I’m home! One more day and I’m not in jail!

–Subway entrance, 125th St

Overheard by: Leaving Harlem

Teen thug: Man, I never had to spend Valentine’s Day with my mom… If her boyfriend wasn’t in jail she wouldn’t be bothering me.

–Eastern Pkwy Library

Chick to boyfriend: So, that’s what you learned in prison?

–Central Park

Some of My Best Friends Are Wednesday One-Liners

Female conductor over speaker: Oh, I know you did not! If you wanna wait for your friends, you wait on the platform — do not hold my motherfucking doors!

–Manhattan-bound 1 train, 225th St

Young suit to another: I’m introducing you as a good friend of mine from the Bank of America, just so you know.

–Houston & Varick

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Middle-aged B&T lady: She told me she had no trouble with her friend dying in her apartment.

–375 Hudson St

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

White chick: When I was younger I used to fart really loud every time I laughed. I think that’s why I didn’t have any friends.

–Bed-Stuy

Overheard by: MaryAnnaise

Five-year-old boy throwing wad of trash at younger brother: Say hello to my little friend!

–15th & 7th, Brooklyn

Overheard by: nyamelia

Tired man on cell: You harassed me, you harassed my friends, and you cut up all my furniture… I don’t know what else there is to talk about.

–Steinway & Broadway, Astoria

Overheard by: Czarina

Tween: Yeah, and then I made my friend scratch my back with his claws… And then I got ringworm.

–Q train, 8th & Broadway

Overheard by: worldfamouscats.com

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