Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Join the UFC

Professor: If any of you are sad about Anna Nicole, see me after class. I’ll give you a bitch slap.

–NYU

Family man: We watched two guys fight to the death over a parking space, and then we went to the Ice Capades.

–Central Park, W 72nd

Overheard by: Rachel

Conductor: There will be no fighting on my train! Y’all gonna make me miss my lunch!

–N train

Overheard by: Shawnito

Hobo to entire platform: You’ve seen cripple fights. You’ve seen hobo boxing. Now prepare yourselves for rich white assholes pushing to get on the train. [Train pulls in.] Briefcases may be used as shields. Good luck, folks.

–4/5 platform, Union Square

Overheard by: Orson

Father holding daughter’s hand: You can’t just kick people when you don’t get what you want, Victoria.

–Mott & Canal St

Overheard by: Marie

Teacher: See that guy in the mural? See how many muscles he has? If he wanted to, he could kick your ass. Look at Galileo. Even Galileo could kick your ass!

–Brooklyn Tech High School

Overheard by: Liz

Six-year-old: If you go to my school, you get yo’ ass jumped.

–107th & Manhattan

Overheard by: Emily B.

Outlaw Wednesday One-Liners

Thug to tourist taking picture: Yeah, bitch, I’m in your picture! I’m in your picture! Put it on MySpace, bitch!

–W 34th & 7th

Overheard by: nisey79

Thug to friend: Nigga, it’s hard to explain… It looked… like a decorated cosine curve!

–110th & Lenox

Overheard by: Curly Ku

Thugette to thug boyfriend: This ain’t Valentine’s Day. You slap me I’ll slap you back!

–Bronx-bound D train

Overheard by: Krissss

Thug to his baby, after carrying her stroller down the subway steps: Woo-hah, I got you all in check.

–6 train station, 59th St

Overheard by: Jackie

Thug: Shit. Jimmy Hoffa’s lucky he don’t gotta pay taxes.

–Brooklyn-bound F train

Overheard by: In debt on the F train

Thug: That thang was so big you could put a whole paragraph on it!

–6 train

Wednesday One-Liners Keep Them All in the Air

Kid: … And his balls were hanging out of his skirt!

–Stuyvesant High School

Drunk chick: Can I pleeease kick you in the balls? It’s my birthday!

–Ave A

Bimbette: So, balls are always — and, like, totally not in a sexual way — but balls are always hitting me in the face.

–Line at Upright Citizens Brigade

Street vendor to another: So, what if you were wearing shorts and you had one ball hangin’ out?

–W 49th & Broadway

Hot chick to another: So, I had him by the balls…

–Washington Square Park

Girl: No, no, don’t scratch your balls! [Screams.]

–8 train

Overheard by: Alex

Actor: I look down and there’s this blue spot on my balls. It looked like I fucked a smurf.

–Backstage, Strawberry One-Act Festival

Overheard by: I hate it when that happens

A Burnt Offering of Wednesday One-Liners

Chick on cell: I don’t remember why he put the phone in the oven… I think it was to prove a point. And my mom didn’t know, so she turned the oven on and then the phone caught on fire.

–NYU trolley

Panhandler: Ladies and gentlemen, I’m not trying to get drugs. I’m not trying to buy alcohol. I’m just trying to survive. It’s a hard life out there trying to sleep, and people always trying to set you on fire.

–F train

Guy with Jamaican accent: Women be causin’ the men to be committin’ adultery. Women be causin’ the men to be lustin’ after the butt. Women need to put their butt back into their pants. Women, you need to cover your butt, or it will be covered in fire.

–4 train

Overheard by: The Cannon

NYU politics professor: … So if you want to stay warm out there, you’re free to burn the flag.

–Silver Center, NYU

Guy sprinting to JAP on cell: Ma’am! You’re on fire! [Guy grabs her Vera Bradley purse, on fire from her cigarette, and throws it savagely to the ground.] I’m sorry, but I had to do that. [JAP stares blankly at him and continues cell conversation.]

–Bobst Library, NYU

Overheard by: J-Steve

Wednesday One-Liners Mostly Drink and Download Music

First year law student on phone with mom: All I do anymore is study and have sex!

–Fordham University

Frat boy: … But the thing that really almost got me kicked out of college was when we installed the zip line…

–14th & University

Overheard by: rachel

Bimbette: I feel, like, if you can read and write, you’re set for life.

–1 train

Overheard by: Fatty McFingers

NYU ditz: Oh, I know, I love philosophy classes. You can just feel your mind turning in new ways, grasping at straws.

–Veselka

Overheard by: Bean

Blonde on cell: Well, duh, Dad. Obviously I wouldn’t take an archeology class if I wasn’t interested in what it’s like to be an architect… Yeah, an archeologist — that’s exactly what I said.

–Lincoln Center

Girl to lab instructor: Should I start thinking now?

–Barnard College

Wednesday One-Liners, Some Purple Stuff, Sunny D…

Queer on cell: Fiji water is so last year.

–Christopher St

Mad chick to man: And, you know, no, no! I am not going to IM you every time I’m drinking sangria!

–Nolita House, E Houston

Overheard by: amalthya

Girl: Oh my god! They have this iced tea here that’s, like, hot.

–Cosi’s, 13th & Broadway

Conductor: Good evening, everybody, and welcome to the 3:50 a.m. whiskey whistle! Were they giving away booze in New York tonight?

–LIRR, Penn Station

Overheard by: I wasn’t Drunk Though

Man: So, the officer said to me, ‘Ah, the old beer in a tube sock…’

–Judson Memorial Church, Washington Sq South

Overheard by: mrbojangles

NYU girl: Fruit punch is like fruit juice on ecstasy!

–Midtown

Overheard by: Ryan Hague

Mom to two-year-old: We’re going home now, and Mommy’s going to make a big, fat cocktail.

–Citibabes, Soho

Overheard by: wish i had a big fat cocktail

Female: I’m so thirsty I could almost drink water!

–Across from former Forward building

Overheard by: Avalanche

Wednesday One-Liners Report to Hindquarters

Angry black woman to white man close behind her: Son, you got a lotta ass on yo’ dick right now.

–Dense crowd, 4th & 6th

Overheard by: jealous?

Guy to friends: I’m not a one-ass guy, even if it is my own ass.

–26th & 8th

Large black man: I’m grabbin’ booties, so all y’all better move outta my way!

–37th & 7th

Overheard by: daniel

Ghetto fab guy: Well, tickle my ass an’ call me Mary Poppins…

–85th & 2nd

Overheard by: Mitorizu

Dude: My ass likes to eat things.

–76th & Broadway

Overheard by: Hew, the bird

Suit: Now there’s an ass you could rest a loaf of bread on!

–Time Square

Crazy preacher: Lust is a sin. Women, don’t show your butts to men — cover them up, or the seven last plagues will cover them up for you.

–6 train

Overheard by: Zavreio

Wednesday One-Liners of the Methane Planet

Guy: I was laughing so hard gas was coming out of my buttocks!

–Astor Pl

Overheard by: Allie

Loud girl to boyfriend: You know what would be great? If you could stop making those vicious smelly farts and then looking around like it’s somebody else. We all know it’s you.

–A train

Lady to friend: No, seriously! ‘Cause it was like, two hundred farts per whatever, and it should really only be like 35.

–Charlton & Varick St

Overheard by: sophie

Loud little boy: Mommy, I feel much better now! Yes, I did! I farted!

–W 71st & Columbus

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Guy: Good god, my farts smell like cum!

–Christopher St

Overheard by: Deeply Troubled

20-something chick on cell: No, it’s ridiculous. She’s afraid to shit in his house ’cause he thinks girls don’t shit. I mean, how many times have they had anal? Obviously the hole is there for something… I hope she farts on his dick.

–1 train

Overheard by: jenny

Blind guy walking dog: Ughhh, I just farted… Good morning, New York. I love you.

–Central Park

Overheard by: AMOS

Wednesday One-Liners Missed That Week in Health Class

Boy to friends: Last one to the car has herpes!

–Hylan Blvd, Staten Island

NYU co-ed to another: You gotta put on your STD face!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Jatmos

Drunk girl yelling at drunk guy down the street: I’m pretty sure I haven’t contracted anything from anyone tonight!

–12th & 3rd

20-something chick: How come all the nice guys I meet always have some sort of STD?

–Lincoln Center

Drunk NYU chick: You’re gay and you go to NYU — there’s no reason why your love life shouldn’t be flourishing… except AIDS.

–Union Square

Overheard by: that guy

Blonde: Just because you have syphilis doesn’t mean I have to listen to you!

–Max Breener’s Chocolate Shop, Union Square

Overheard by: Eskimo Child

Chick on cell: Brian? I love Brian… even though he gave me the herpe.

–E 9th & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Raven

Wednesday One-Liners Get Acculturated

TA: Is anyone in here Canadian? Good. I didn’t want to offend anyone.

–NYU

Woman with thick German accent about people with thick Indian accents: You can’t understand anything these people say because of their accents!

–LaGuardia airport

Overheard by: Lolo

Girl on cell: They are Mexicans dressed up as soccer moms in minivans dressed up as dirty Mexicans, and on the back of their minivans they have a Mexican flag and a bumper sticker that says, ‘Cross country is my favorite sport’!

–Train from Secaucus to Penn Station

Overheard by: uulovesuu

Foreign street vendor to another: If you kill a German, it’s different.

–Prince & Greene St

Shocked waiter to very smug waiter: Whoa! You’re even more expensive than a Russian girlfriend!

–Bread restaurant, Prince St

Overheard by: Sheila Michaels

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