Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners, from Crayola

Junior high kid: Man, I slapped the taste out of that nigga. The whole side of his face turned… purple! No, not purple… Lilac.

–G train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: outofplace

Crazy guy speaking into Bic lighter: Come in, blue leader, come in. Do you read me, blue leader?

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: Alec

Man: Nothing that’s white is ever good for you except for a white man’s money.

–Restroom, Penn Station

Chick to old lady in pink clothes: I am really feeling your outfit. Pink has had a special meaning to me lately. Not because I wear pink, but spiritually — ethereally — pink has been influencing my life.

–94th & Amsterdam

Girl on cell: I just don’t know about him anymore. I mean, he has lavender sheets…

–CVS, 25th & 6th

Overheard by: Sarah

Wednesday One-Liners, Esq.

Guy on cell: I’m sorry, I can’t talk now. I’m in the judge’s chambers. [Phone rings again.] Yes, your honor?

–Magic Johnson Theater, 125th St

Woman to three-year-old girl: Well, you need to talk to a lawyer when you want to get married.

–Outside NYU Law School

Black man screaming into phone: I’m tellin’ you, I ain’t goin’ to court no more. I. Am. Not. Goin’!

–City Hall

Pre-law student: Isn’t that arsony?

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Rachel Hoban

Drunk party-goer: No, no, the problem isn’t that they fired all these prosecutors. The problem is they didn’t try to hide it! Clinton did the same thing! It’s all about what you do in public. Like, you can fuck anybody you want, but if you do it in public, it’s rape!

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Law professor: Death is bad, but there is a tax advantage.

–NYU Stern School of Business

Ditzy Chinese chick: So, I went on this job interview with this law firm, right? And this lawyer who was interviewing me was really cute, ya know? So at the end of the interview he stood up, and I wasn’t sure what to say so I said, ‘Well, I don’t know whether you’re going to hire me or not, but I’d really like to fuck you.’ So he came to my apartment after work and fucked me. Then I get a letter two days later telling me I didn’t get the fucking job! Do you think that’s sexual harassment?

–Starbucks, Chinatown

Overheard by: Big Larry

Wednesday One-Liners Propagate Their Genes by Caring for Siblings’ Children

Thug: Yo, I would so love to see a show called ‘Diaries of a Very Weird Gay Guy.’

–NYU

30-something lady: … And he wanted to have sex with me. What is it that drives the heteros away and makes me the goddamn gay whisperer?

–136th & 8th

Girl to boyfriend: You’re sooo gay when you’re drunk.

–10th & 1st

Overheard by: Tigertail

Stud: I swear, if I got gay it would not be boring.

–St. George residence hall

Overheard by: G

Dude: I’m so hungry, I’m gay!

–FIT dining hall

Overheard by: Jake

Wednesday One-Liners Are the Surest Form of Birth Control

Disgruntled student: Milton is where boners go to die.

–116th & Broadway, Columbia University

Overheard by: BBW

NYU girl: … And she told me she had a gynecology appointment with this old chick scheduled for tomorrow, and that’s when I realized just about everyone at this school is getting more ass than me.

–9th & University

Scruffy guy: Don’t worry, you’re going to have sex some day!

–St. Mark’s Pl

Professor: There are two types of people in this world — those who ride fast horses and those who don’t get laid.

–Classics Dept, NYU

Overheard by: face

10-year-old: At my age it’s just best to cuddle.

–Shakespeare & Co.

Overheard by: Leah

Wednesday One-Liners Like to Be Close When They Kill

Dude: I miss my machete.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Ash

Guy: For his 21st birthday I’m buying him a samurai sword. For his wedding I’m gonna buy him a giant samurai sword!

–Tower Records, W 4th St

Overheard by: Not a samurai

Little kid: It’s chainsaw time!

–New Jersey Transit train

Overheard by: DrewDrewDrew

Frizzy woman on cell: I mean, c’mon — it’s not like it was a knife, bitch, it was just scissors!

–37th & 5th

Overheard by: K

Wednesday One-Liners Are the Subway and the Subtruth and the Sublife

Girl: I never get into empty cars anymore. Last time I did there was a dead guy laying there, and I was stuck with that smell in my nose all day.

–Subway platform, South Ferry

Overheard by: annikee

Man to wife: What, you want to keep riding the train back and forth? I did that shit once. It was the most boring experience of my entire life!

–Grand Central

Overheard by: soixantedeux

Chick after V train passes through the station: There’s a runaway V train and people are still on it!

–C/E platform, 23rd St

Girl: Whenever I’m on the subway all I can think about is sex!

–NYU

Overheard by: ana

Announcer: There is a Bronx-bound one train approaching 34th Street.

–14th St station

Overheard by: Glad to know where the train I missed is

Mom to small child: Do you know if the trains are running express today, or will we have to take the local all the way down?

–W 93rd St

Tourist girl: Waaait… Is this the bus?

–E train, Queens

Overheard by: MegMC

Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Come in Vanilla

Dude on cell: Yeah, all we need is a nice leather whip and we’re all set.

–10th & 4th

30-ish queer to another: Yeah, and he has a basket of clothespins for nipple play.

–Grand St station

Young boy jumping gleefully and clapping: Masochist! Gay masochist! Gay masochist!

–105th & West End

Older teen boy to younger teen boy: Yeah, you can’t do that. It’s called bestiality, and it’s illegal in this country…

–68th, between Columbus & Central Park West

Man with beer: You know the show Dance Off, Pants Off? I’m going to be on it in just an S-and-M mask.

–Outside Madison Square Garden

Shouting guy: I do not agree with sex with beavers!

–Waverly Pl

Post-Painterly Wednesday One-Liners

Student: I didn’t describe the sculpture, I just said that the combination of her and Weird Al inspired me.

–Hunter College

Overheard by: Haley

Woman: I’m not really into the whole modern art thing — I just don’t like it.

–MoMA

Confused foreign professor: Monet and Picasso are famous painters. George Bush is not.

–NYU

Overheard by: Cait O’Connor

Man to woman after they make out: The problem is, if you’re an artist today and you take a picture of a guy jumping off a bridge in Paris, no one’s going to care.

–Armory Art Fair

JAP: So, are these the real Monets?

–The Met

Overheard by: Charlie Nicholson

Wednesday One-Liners for C. Montgomery Burns

Black guy: And in this movie, Leonardo DiCaprio was the most selfless guy ever — all he cared about was money.

–Jackson Hole, 91st & Madison

20-something exasperated chick on cell: It’s a little something I call the hundred and fifty bucks I have to pay once a year! It’s a little something called my rent!

–W 10th & Waverly

Overheard by: I call it that too

Geek: Have you ever pictured someone swimming in a pool of money? Do you know how much that would hurt?

–54th & 10th

Overheard by: Allisa

Mom to little daughter picking up garbage: Don’t pick up stuff off the street… unless it’s money.

–14th & 2nd

Suit: … And they find him in Brussels with one million dollars in his suitcase.

–Chambers & West Side Hwy

Overheard by: Mike McG

Conductor: Attention, passengers, the power for this line has shorted out. Track workers are coming down to reset the breaker. We should be delayed for 15 to 20 minutes. A buck fifty — you get what you pay for.

–PATH train, stuck under the Hudson

VP: I certainly don’t want you to think it’s all about money, because it’s not — it’s mostly about money.

–Office, Park Ave South

Wednesday One-Liners Join the UFC

Professor: If any of you are sad about Anna Nicole, see me after class. I’ll give you a bitch slap.

–NYU

Family man: We watched two guys fight to the death over a parking space, and then we went to the Ice Capades.

–Central Park, W 72nd

Overheard by: Rachel

Conductor: There will be no fighting on my train! Y’all gonna make me miss my lunch!

–N train

Overheard by: Shawnito

Hobo to entire platform: You’ve seen cripple fights. You’ve seen hobo boxing. Now prepare yourselves for rich white assholes pushing to get on the train. [Train pulls in.] Briefcases may be used as shields. Good luck, folks.

–4/5 platform, Union Square

Overheard by: Orson

Father holding daughter’s hand: You can’t just kick people when you don’t get what you want, Victoria.

–Mott & Canal St

Overheard by: Marie

Teacher: See that guy in the mural? See how many muscles he has? If he wanted to, he could kick your ass. Look at Galileo. Even Galileo could kick your ass!

–Brooklyn Tech High School

Overheard by: Liz

Six-year-old: If you go to my school, you get yo’ ass jumped.

–107th & Manhattan

Overheard by: Emily B.

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