Queer: … And when you meet my mother, do not ask about her ear.
Boyfriend: Why not?
Queer: Just don’t. And drink vodka!
Boyfriend: Not whiskey?
Queer: And if she asks you to pet the dog, for the love of God, you pet the dog.
–C train station, 96th & Central Park West
Overheard by: What about the buttsex?
Guy lugging large suitcases: Well, see ya.
Girl, crossing street away from him: Fine! Leave me! Don’t get sunburnt!
Guy: Don’t get pregnant!
–NYU
Overheard by: Crossing My Fingers
Man in elevator A: Hey, Bob!
Man in elevator B, across the hall: Oh! Hi there! [Doors close.] He should just resign.
–Actors’ Equity building
Overheard by: Cat
Chick: Are you chewing gum?
Dude: Yeah…
Chick: Take that out of your mouth. I hear that you get cancer by chewing gum while smoking.
–W 4th St
Chick: This block is kinda difficult to walk.
Dude: I know. Watch out for the syringes, condoms, and shit.
–Lawton St & Bushwick Ave
Overheard by: Dodging the excrements of various objects
Customs agent: What business you in?
Young suit with acne: Um, I’m a stock broker.
Customs agent: Are you old enough to do that?
Young suit with acne: Barely.
Customs agent: Doubtful. Look at you. All that stuff on your face — take care of that shit and get it cleaned up. Get yourself a woman.
Young suit with acne, biting lip: Thank you, sir. Have a nice day.
–LaGuardia airport
Customer: Can I see the smallest thing of K-Y you have?
Clerk: You should just use butter. It’s better and it’s cheaper.
–Drug store, 8th Ave, Chelsea
Overheard by: Mike M
Guy #1: I don’t know… Which bag should I get?
Girl employee: Well, you should get a laptop cover and a padded bag.
Guy #2: Excuse me, that’s not necessary.
Girl employee: Well, that way it keeps your computer safer.
Guy #2: But it would be like wearing two condoms at the same time.
Girl employee: True.
Guy #1: Thanks. To both of you. I have a lot to think about.
–Apple Store, Soho
Old lady: Take your coat off — it’s a hundred degrees in here!
Old man: Stop talking to me!
–Architectural Digest event, W 59th & 12th
Meathead #1: Yeah, I definitely think I should go to the interview hung over.
Meathead #2: Why’s that?
Meathead #1: You know, so I’m more charming and likable.
Both meatheads: Definitely!
–6th St & Ave A
Overheard by: my approach is all wrong
