Advice

Not Quite a Match with Wednesday One-liners

Guy: Oh, excuse me!…Want to make out?

–Centre & Chambers

Overheard by: Chris

Older man: …so they served these smaller things, like appetizers, in between the three main courses. You know how many they gave us? Four! There were four intercourses…

–West 53 Street office

Girl on cell: He shoots dope and smokes crack! I can’t think of a worse person for you to sleep with!…well, yeah, I guess…

–81st & Madison

Girl: I’d blow him every day if he’d let me drive his beamer more.

–Sheep’s Meadow

Tween girl: Shit, if I were 21, and he was like, “Yo, do you want some
beer?”, I’d be like, “Shit, only if you got a hotel room.” ’cause then
we could, like, go in it.

–Starbucks, 34th & 7th

Overheard by: marissa

Daily News guy: …and I said, “Just take me now, bitch!”

–Bar 288, Elizabeth Street

DMV guy: Who’s here for oral? Did anyone in this line sign up for oral?

–DMV, Atlantic Avenue Center

Overheard by: RMC

Announcing Wednesday One-liners

Suit: Attention tourists. It is now just after 5PM, and unlike you, some of us had to work today and would like to fucking get home. Please keep moving and do not just fucking stop in the middle of the sidewalk. This has been a public service announcement.

–43rd & 7th

Conductor: Next time, you lose your hands!

–N train

Overheard by: Gregorio

The train stops in the tunnel, and the conductor announces: Ladies and gentlemen! We are momentarily held between the stations. We will be moving shortly. Meanwhile, sit back, relax, and enjoy the scenery.

–A train

Driver: Welcome aboard the M86 crosstown bus. I apologize for the delay today; we will be moving momentarily. If you are carrying a grudge from school, or work, or home, please do not take it out on me. I promise you, we will be moving momentarily.

–M86 bus

Overheard by: Diane

Conductor: Get all your possessions, including your body, inside the doors, if you want the train to move. It’s that simple.

–S train

Conductor: That was a very dangerous thing that you just did with the cane.

–F train

Can You Overhear Me Now?

Woman: You don’t get any overage? That’s ridiculous. You got to switch to Cingular.
Man: But I hear the service isn’t so good.
Woman: Yeah that’s true, the service sucks. But at least you get overage.

–Staten Island Ferry

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Drinking and Training: Point/Counterpoint

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen! We are temporarily being held between the stations. We will be moving shortly. We would like to wish you a happy 4th of July. As you all know, the 4th is a day for celebrating and drinking. Please remember: do not drink and drive! Don’t get me wrong, you can drink as much as you want but then you have to take public transportation!

–A train

Overheard by: Miss Babette

A relatively full car holds an empty bench. As passengers embark at each station, they head toward the empty bench. They recoil when they discover the pool of puke on the floor in front of the bench.

An Indian man embarks at Bedford Avenue, sits down in front of the puke, and puts both of his feet right in it.

Hipster: No, No!

The Indian slides his feet around in the brown vomit and looks down in horror. He gets up and looks like he will puke himself.

Hipster: Oh no, man, it’s best not to think about it!

The Indian disembarks at the next stop and changes cars.

–L train

Overheard by: Hairy Toe

There is a drunk guy passed out on the floor, laying face up in his vomit. 3 Black chicks get on the train. One looks at him and says: That nigga is so done for.

–6 train

Overheard by: Natalie

That’s Just Sucking Up to the Barber

Guy: So after my reading, one of the actors was being all nice to me, and wanting to hang out, whatever. I thought he was just being friendly, but then I found out from my friend that in acting school they tell you to do that.
Girl: Do what?
Guy: You know, hook up with up and coming playwrights and directors, so you have contacts. Come to think of it, all my actor friends started being nicer to me after my reading. You guys should be sucking up, too.
Girl: I like your hair.

–105th & 5th

My Fantasy? Wednesday One-liners

Woman on cell: Tell everybody to come to New York and play D&D with me.

–Greenpoint

Overheard by: Francesca

Guy: So what you’re saying is that every event in modern history was
caused by a time-traveling Keanu Reeves?

–Chevy’s, Times Square

Overheard by: Kenny B

Boy on cell: …yeah, I know! So then I said, “Bitch, that’s what you get for messing with a level 5 dragon master!”

–C train

Overheard by: Lorelai Greenwood

Fat lady: You know, I don’t think I would make a good vampire…I don’t like staying up too late.

–W. 57th Street office

Happy Motherfucker Day!

Boy: Mom!…Mom!
Father: Dad. The name is Dad.

–Eli’s, 80th & 3rd

Columbia guy: I don’t think I should see Avenue Q on stage. Whenever I see puppets I start throwing up. Just throwing up all over the place. The same thing with porn. When I’m a father I’m just going to show my kids so much porn that they throw up. Then I’ll turn them into computer geeks.

–114th & Broadway

Overheard by: Maxwell Cohen

Woman: I mean, he got really mad at me after I slept with his father…and it was only one time!

–6 train

Dad on cell: …we gotta go out by ourselves…the fuckin’ kids, they always want something, it never stops!…Yeah?! Well, what the fuck does the little Princess want now?!

–Duane Reade, 14th & 3rd

Dad on cell: Hi, Sammy. How was school today?…Uh huh, what did you do in computers?…What do you mean, you had to show three pictures?…And you were able to do it?…You use Macs in school, right?…Yeah, it’s an Apple. A Mac is an Apple…You know that’s different than the computer you use at home…Yeah, it’s a different operating system…Well, I’m glad you were able to do it. Let me talk to Mommy.

–Acela Express train

Papa thug: Yo, next time someone pushes you like that, you don’t push back, you hear?…you kick him in the motherfucking face.

–12th Street between 1st & A

Overheard by: milo

Her baby daddy: …yeah, she’d be about 15 or 16 by now. But her mom was messin’ around, too, so…She better not come to me 50 years later sayin “she’s yours” cause I don’t play that. Plus, I got a little girl of my own, so I’m good.

–A train

Overheard by: lori dockendorf

Dad: Walking is just like running, only slower.

–Atlantic Avenue mall

Boy: I mean, if it weren’t for the child support, you’d be good, right?
Father: What?

–60th & 3rd

Overheard by: Kaitlen

Dad: Babies have giant heads…and our heads shrink as we get older.

–Museum of Natural History

…But Not for Much Longer

Chick #1: Do you think I should have another Texas-sized margarita?
Chick #2: I think your eyes are bigger than your liver.

–Dallas BBQ, 166th & Broadway

Overheard by: djlindee

It Would Explain Why Her Hands Keep Shaking

Crazy lady: Excuse me. Listen, you got some of that witchcraft put on you.
Old lady: Uh huh, yeah.
Crazy lady: You gotta get that lifted, or those spirits, you know, they be comin’ at you, they be on you.
Old lady: Yes.
Crazy lady: All right, take care.

–M86 bus

The One Thing He’s Not Dealing is Speed

Woman #1: See that guy in the wheelchair? I think he’s starting to get involved with dealing drugs or something.
Woman #2: Well, I wouldn’t hang around him too much anyway if I were
you. Clearly he couldn’t run away fast enough the first time…

–Fort Greene

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