Drunken friend #1: That guy at the bar was hot. You totally should’ve taken him home.
Drunken friend #2: Why me? Let her (points to drunken friend #3) take him home.
Drunken friend #3 (trying to be discreet): Ummmm excuse me? I don’t need a man. I have d-i-c-k at home.
Drunken friend #2: Uhh, the rest of the train can figure out what you just spelled.
–Crowded 6 Train
Overheard by: ear hustler
Conductor: This is the last train. You have no other options, this is it. Get on this train.
–Metro North Rail
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please keep your feet off the seats on this train. They belong on the floor; that's why it's there. If you can't put your feet on the floor because your luggage is there, don't worry: we took care of that too. Look up. That thing above your head is a luggage rack.
–NJ Transit, Penn Station
Announcement on NJ transit train: If you have young children, please take them…by the hand when leaving the train.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: JerseyJR
Train conductor: This is 18th Street, if this is your stop…get up! Give up that seat!
–1 Train
Overheard by: Chris K… at 11pm
Amtrak conductor: We are experiencing engine problems and need to change trains. But I want you to know that we have lost no altitude.
–Amtrak Train
Conductor, philosophical about delayed train: We don't usually have this type of delay at this time of day. But, well, here we are… (train starts to move) Aha! Here it is!
–A Train
Overheard by: Katie J
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, do you know where you are? (passengers are silent) I do! Hudson, next stop.
–Amtrak Train, Leaving Penn Station
Older Hispanic gay man to guy in Subway sandwich costume: Uh sandwich, be careful someone doesn't eat you, darling.
Passers-by: (laugh)
Older Hispanic gay man: Whaaat? That's what you do to a saaandwich.
–9th & 2nd
Overheard by: eat me
Chick: Since we broke up you’ve been smoking a lot.
Guy: Yeah…
Chick: You shouldn’t smoke.
Guy: You shouldn’t suck so much dick but you don’t hear me criticize you five times a day.
Chick: [Mouth wide open in shock.]Guy: To start you should try closing your mouth!
–B Train
Overheard by: another now single smoker
(three men hail a taxi and get in)
Girl: Hey, I was over there waiting for a long time. May I have your cab?
Guy #1: Are you serious?
Girl: Yes, I was on the other corner, waiting.
Guy #2 (laughing in her face): Are you fucking serious, lady?
Girl: Buy I was on the other corner waiting for a long time.
Guy #3: Oh, well! You were on the other corner, kiddo. Get more aggressive.
Girl: But guys… I was waiting…
Guy #1 (as taxi leaves): Courtesy, bitch.
–14th & 2nd
Overheard by: Luke
Teen girl #1: So, my friend’s dad died. I feel like I should send her something — y’know, just to make her feel better. Only I don’t know her so well, so I’m not sure what to get her. Chocolate, maybe?
Teen girl #2: I dunno. Chocolate doesn’t sound like such a good idea. When people are depressed they buy chocolate and eat way too much of it and get really fat.
Teen girl #1: Ummm, I don’t think that’s really true.
Teen girl #2: … I can attest to it.
–Metro-North
Overheard by: sugarnspice
Blonde to other: Don't worry, within like an hour you'll have Jameson running through your system.
–Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Girl on cell: I'm kind of hungover–I think that gin and tonic was a bad idea. I was already drunk, I don't know why I felt the need to have one… And then I went home and made scrambled eggs, and then I wrote a long email to Jen* about how good they were and then I read it this morning and I was like "I am such an idiot!"
–Broadway & Great Jones
Overheard by: Lillian
Sorority girl on cell: Well, I'm going to have some champagne, but it's not like I'm knocking back shots with the guys. (pause) Yeah, I know, I know, I'll be careful. (pause) Don't worry, mom, I've done worse drugs than drink before! (long pause) I don't want to talk about it. (long long pause) So…I'm going to go horseback riding!
–Broadway & 34th St, Astoria
Overheard by: Horsies Are Pretty
Bartender: Ladies and gentlemen! Don't run away from or by the bar! You have an hour to walk to your seats. Again, please do not run from the bar, run to it!
—Wicked, Broadway
Girl to friend: I only get tipsy enough to go into the Virgin Megastore…
–2nd Ave & 10th St
Overheard by: Jonathan
Man to friend, about AA: Y'know, if I could drink like normal people, I'd get drunk every night.
–Central Park
Overheard by: John Tidyman
Girl to friend: When I told you to seize the moment I didn't know you were drunk!
–Times Square
Overheard by: Rebecca
Cute girl about upcoming CAT scan: There’s a part of me that’s actually a little excited… or at least interested, because, you know, it’s a new experience.
Friend: It will be an adventure. A medical adventure. Like House!
Girl: Except the doctor won’t be nearly as sexy as Hugh Laurie.
Friend: But he’ll have a better bedside manner.
Girl: It’d be worth the bedside manner if he were that sexy.
Friend: We’ve gotta stop watching that show. It gives us unrealistic expectations.
Girl: My mind right now is like 45% fear, 25% excitement, 15% rational thought, you know, that it’s probably not cancer, and the rest is Hugh Laurie and Robert Sean Leonard battling for my affections.
Friend: We’ve gotta stop watching that show.
–L Train
Overheard by: Jonah
Black woman, to white kid flanked by two pretty girls: Hey, mista’! Ya got some change?
Same black woman, to the two girls: Don’t go givin’ away pussy fo’ free!
–DeKalb Station
Overheard by: BagelOfTheDamned
Female coworker: I just don't think I'm looking in the right places to meet guys.
Jappy coworker: Just get a group of girls together, and go to services at B'nai Jeshurun, I hear it's a meat market on Shabbat.
–Upper West Side
Overheard by: Melissa
