Old man: I’m a pretty good driver when I’m drunk.
Old woman: I don’t think so.
Old man: You just don’t like how fast I go.
Old woman: …I don’t think so.
Old man: Oh, the endless debate. He, he, he.
–Saurin Parke Cafe, West 110th Sreet
Overheard by: Wendy Darling
Hobo: Do you have any spare change?
Guy #1: No.
Hobo: Fuck you, you fuckin’ faggot.
Guy #2: Actually, he’s the straight one, and you should be nicer if you expect people to give you money.
Hobo: Fuckin’ faggot, you ain’t got nothin on me!
–2nd Avenue station
Hipster chick: Excuse me! Back door!
Bus driver: No, I am sorry, we are almost at the next stop.
Hipster chick: Fuck off, fucker!
Bus driver: Okay, that’s it, we are so crashing right now!
–M86 bus
Overheard by: Ben Bleiberg
Suit #1: Hey, did we ever find out how Chris Penn died?
Suit #2: Yeah. He died of being a big, fat fuck.
–50th between 6th & 7th
Spanish guy: Life is shit. You never know. Shit is shit. If you’re already smart and you make a computer, it’ll be fucking smart like in the movie AI. The devil at work like in Six Days with Schwarzenegger. Movies are like real ‘n shit. It’s bin Laden and that fucking Hussein, they’re in cohoots ‘n shit. They want to make us like them…a third world country ‘n shit.
Spanish guy: College don’t mean nothin’ ’cause you could fucking graduate with papers and shit, then someone’s friend gets the goddam job ‘n shit. It don’t matter ’bout college ’cause that fuckin’ asshole makes $70,000 so you got the college paper and that don’t mean shit.
Spanish guy: Best burgers is Burger King, but White Castle is the jam.
Spanish girl: Ew, no!
Spanish guy: No man, that shit is good, but only when the meat is fresh ‘n shit. Like they just cook it now ‘n shit. The only thing is if the bread is old ‘n shit or if too many onions ‘n shit. Yo, I made 50 bucks from my brother-in-law when I ate 53 ‘n shit. He ate 50. That was when I was husky ’cause I played football ‘n shit.
–D train
Overheard by: Valerie Velazquez
Girl: I accidentally bent my MetroCard and now it won’t swipe.
MTA guy: How do you accidentally bend it?
Girl: Um, I didn’t mean to…
MTA guy: Did you want me to replace this card with a new one that’s not bent?
Girl: Yeah, that would be great.
MTA guy: Because we don’t do that.
–Wall Street 2/3 station
Teen boy: You’re just a little nigger.
Teen girl: Quit playin’.
Teen boy: I will break your fucking fingers, you little nigger.
Teen girl: But–
Teen boy: Shut the fuck up! I’ll fucking kill you. I’ll punch you right in the mouth in front of all these gay fucking white people. What do you have to say?
Teen girl: I–
Teen boy: Shut the fuck up! You think I won’t? You don’t think I’m man enough, do you? I’ll hurt you so bad. I’ll fuck you up. You think I won’t?
Teen girl: You will!
Teen boy: I won’t?
Teen girl: You will!
Teen boy: I won’t?
Teen girl: You will!
Teen boy: That’s right. All you wanna do is sleep all day. You wanna go to bed right now and sleep for four days, 24/7. Fucking worthless. You should fucking die for that.
–Q train
Overheard by: Carrie
Guy: It’s not that I’m against marriage. I mean, I like weddings.
–Sammy’s Roumanian Steakhouse, Chrystie Street
Woman: So, has your little friend Jamie text messaged you recently?
Man: No, actually she hasn’t.
Woman: That’s right, because I called that fucking bitch up and told her to find her own man.
Man: Are you kidding me?
Woman: No. And by the way, your mom made me do it.
–Candela, East 17th Street
Woman: The problem is that I’m flesh and you keep thinking that I’m stone.
Man: Actually I was just thinking about fucking you.
–Village Vanguard, 7th Avenue South
Overheard by: Paul
