A Typical Saturday Night for David Hasselhoff

Angry drunk yelling at man: Fuck you! Fuck your mother! I hope you die, you piece of shit!
Angry drunk's girlfriend: Will you just calm down?
Angry drunk: No, fuck that! I hope he dies! I hope his mother dies! I'll fucking go back in time and terminate his mother!
Brave stranger: (laughs)
Angry drunk: What the fuck are you laughing at motherfucker?
Brave stranger: Going back in time and terminating his mother.
Angry drunk: Well, okay, that is funny… I like that movie too. (pause) Fuck him, I hope he dies!

–Q Train

Posted on July 18, 2022
Anger Management, Couples, Death, Drunks, Insults, Laughter, Movies, On the Subway, Parents, Strangers, Wishes & desires

Confirmed: Biological Terrorism Hits New York

My guy friend and I stopped on the sidewalk to finish up a conversation and say goodbye. A man walks by and gave a hard shoulder nudge to my friend and kept walking.

Guy friend: Yeah, excuse me!
Man: You stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. You can’t stop in the middle of the sidewalk; people need to get by.

An argument ensues, then the man walks away. He changes his mind, walks back and gets within inches of my friend’s face.

Man: I have a cold and I’m going to talk right in your face!

–Broadway & Fulton

Overheard by: Jessie

Posted on June 17, 2022
Anger Management, Assholes, Fighting and ass kicking, Friends, Illness, Only in New York, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

Wednesday Caniners

Stylish 20-something woman to overweight pug breathing heavily: Well, Winifred, you're out of breath because you're out of shape. (pause) No, you're not fat. You're voluminous. (pause) Yes, I am aware it's not all your fault. Mummy likes to watch you eat powder doughnuts. (pause) Pugs that look like they have a coke habit are very funny for mummy, yes they are.

–Central Park

Young hipster to Labrador, as people approach: Come on! Come on! Say hello! (dog remains seated, doing nothing) God! I've been training him for months to talk to couples and it just isn't working!

–Williamsburg

Woman to her dog: Don't be an insult to your species! Act like a dog!

–10th St & Broadway

Lady to little barking dog: Shut up. This is not your sidewalk.

–Brooklyn

Posted on June 16, 2022
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Assholes, Brooklyn, Central Park, Cocaine, Comebacks, Compare/Contrast, Diet/Weight, Education, Food, Health and Hygiene, Hipsters, Insults, Man's Best Friend, One-liners, Parents, Parks, Physical appearance, Street, Stupidity, The Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Williamsburg, Women

Wednesday One-liners Bring It

Girl: Like, my grandmother got stabbed with an ice pick by her brother. And then they were estranged for years.

–Bobst Library, Washington Square South

Posted on April 14, 2022
Anger Management, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Crime and Punishment, Death, Health and Hygiene, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, National Security, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Port Authority, Should've Used a Condom, Staten Island Ferry, Stupidity, The Village, Upper East Side, Violence

I Hear Massachusetts Wedding Bells!

Dude: Hey, watch it! Hey!
Old guy: What?
Dude: That’s very rude.
Old guy: I said “excuse me”.
Dude: Well I didn’t hear it.
Old guy: Well maybe you should listen next time.
Dude: Well maybe you should kiss my ass, fag.
Old guy: Fuck off and die.

–Borders men’s room, 32nd & 2nd

Posted on February 18, 2022
Anger Management, Biotechs, Old People, Stall Spies, Union Square and East Village

Send Your Ideas to Massengill

Girl #1: Holy shit! That guy just threw a slushie at the conductor.
Girl #2: That’s like a felony, right?
Girl #1: Yeah, they should arrest that guy.
Girl #2: I can think of so many better things to do with a slushie.

–5 train

Posted on February 16, 2022
Anger Management, Food, On the Subway, People, Subway conductors

Wednesday One-liners Subway Scenes

MTA guy: Let ’em off, let ’em off. It’s just like sex, you gotta get it out to get it in.

–1 train

Overheard by: Andrew Litwin

Posted on January 23, 2022
Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, Anger Management, Health and Hygiene, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On the Subway, One-liners, Sex, Sex & Relationships, Stupidity, Subway conductors, The Village, Union Square and East Village

The Niceties of Wednesday One-Liners

Angry man yelling into pay phone: Do you know what extortion is? Yeah? Well, it’s not nice.

–Polish resturant, Brooklyn Heights

Bus driver: To all the nice people who didn’t curse at the bus driver, thank you.

–Bx 8 bus

Overheard by: You’re Welcome

Woman collecting money for Coalition for the Homeless: Now, you have a nice day, sir! I don’t wanna tell you have a nice day, because you’re a horrible person! You should be giving me money, but you ain’t and you’re going to hell! But I’m a good person, so I’m going to say have a nice day anyway! Have a nice day, ladies. Shalom!

–42nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Michelle Smith

Homely redhead: I started dating this new guy, and that’s really good because I haven’t dated anyone in over a year. We’ve been on two dates and he’s married and he’s really nice.

–60th & 5th

Dude: He’s a nice guy. If you cross him he’ll tie your ears together and slingshot boxes of wine in your face.

–Bleecker

Chick: She is a nice girl! Completely crazy.

–67th St stop, Queens

Posted on December 16, 2021
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Crime and Punishment, Dating, Homeless, Infidelity, Insults, Money & Class, Public Transportation, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary, Weirdness

Wednesday One-liners Need Anger Management

A car, stuck in traffic behind a garbage truck starts blowing its horn loudly and insistently. A nicely dressed lady shouts: Shut the fuck up, you moron! Haven’t you ever seen a garbage truck before? Fucking moron tourists.

–W. 4th & Perry

Bouncer: Next white boy lays hands on me, I’m gonna fuck him up.

–West 3rd & MacDougal

Overheard by: Todd Seavey

Girl on cell: Yeah, well tell her I hope she gets a bladder infection!

–Hot Bagels, Staten Island

Overheard by: Renee

Chef: As much as I like her, if she raises her voice at me one more time, I’m gonna fucking smack her.

–Park Slope

Old guy: Move, you drug addicted heathens! You’re all a bunch of sinners. Polluters!

–50th & 6th

Overheard by: Jeff Rigby

Man on cell: Dude, why did we draw straws this morning?…Do you have any idea how much cat food costs?! That was my rent money!…Well, kick out the new guy!

–Union Square Park

A guy waiting to turn left across traffic leans out the window to scream at the clueless Ohio driver who is not moving in front of him: Hey Cleveland! That’s the only shade of green we got!

–57th & Park

Overheard by: Joan Quinn

Chick on cell: Damn old ladies. Like, maybe Gandhi was wrong and the answer really is punching people in the face?

–D’Agostino’s, 110th & Broadway

Overheard by: djlindee

Posted on December 12, 2021
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary