Anger Management

How to Do Laundry, NYC Edition

Woman: Excuse me. I have to put something in my dryer.
Girl folding clothes: Oh, okay.
Woman: Excuse me! I have to put something else in my dryer.
Girl: O-kay…
Woman: Now I have to take something out of my dryer…unbelievable.
Girl: Wow, you’re a case!
Woman: I’m a what?!
Girl: A case. I’ve never seen anybody so worked up over laundry.
Woman: Well, you haven’t lived very long, have you?
Girl: Not as long as you!…Have a nice day!
Woman: Fuck you!

–York Launderette, York Avenue and E. 82nd

…to Love, Honor and Obey…

Wife: Do whatever you want…it’s not my mother who died!

–JFK

Klingons Are Less Wrinkled

Old man #1: I must have my cloaking device on today! Ha, ha.
Old man #2: Get the fuck out of my way, asshole.
Old man #1: Damn Klingons.

–D’Agostino, Greenwich Street

Overheard by: nick

We’ve Found Osama

Woman: Did you call Giuliani? Call in a favor?
Man: I tried, but….
Woman: After all you did for him after 9/11. What a slap in the face.

–Parking garage, 53rd & 5th

I’m Rubber, You Sniff Glue

Woman #1: I think you’re an alcoholic.
Woman #2: I think you’re an alcoholic.
Woman #1: What is this? An intervention for fifth-graders?

–96th & 1st

…I Thought Only Monkeys Did That?

Angry man on street: Fuck ass the ball! Fuck ass the ball!
Bystander: Did he just say, “fuck ass the ball?”

–Bed-Stuy

Parkinson’s Isn’t Contagious

Man: Excuse me…I just wanted to let you know that I was walking just outside this station and a large, black man just grabbed and shook me and started saying something crazy.
MTA lady: Did he take anything from you?
Man: No. But he was crazy and he shook me!

–Clinton-Washington Avenues station

Overheard by: Marla Shu

And Then She’ll Need Stitches

Woman #1: So I told him, “Nigga, you can’t touch none of this!”
Woman #2: Ha, ha. Girl, what you need is a horse dick!

–125th & Lexington

Overheard by: Johnny Tremain

Dude, You'd Steal the One-Liners Off a Wednesday

One-armed cracked-out dude to equally cracked-out girlfriend: And he's lookin' at me like he ain't never seen nobody stealin' before!

–Maria Hernandez Park, Bushwick

Overheard by: matthias

Drunk man to random girl on street: I mean, I stole this girls' shoelaces, and then she got really mad at me…

–2nd Ave & 4th St

Comedy show peddler: Who wants to buy some stolen shit? (pause) Nah, just kidding, who wants to see a comedy show?

–Times Square

Overheard by: Ali

Woman with pink hair to friend: Fuck that bitch, she still stole my clothes when I was in jail.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Renny

Man to woman, about his father: Yeah, he was so great, so smart… A drug addict. He was always there for me. Like, if I needed something, anything, he'd go steal it for me. That's what sticks with you, you know?

–1 Train

Overheard by: RDM

Diner Fun

Drunk: Where’s my boy, man?

–Odessa, Ave. A

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