Cashiers

Get to Unironic Unwrapping, New York!

Hipster guy: Hey, can you wrap that?
Cashier guy: Sure.
Hipster guy: Do you have any funny wrapping paper that says stuff like “Sorry your dad died” or something?
Cashier guy: Uh…no.
Hipster guy: Oh, damn. Well, do you have anything funny or weird or something?
Cashier guy: Well, we have one with little kids riding big flying books through clouds shaped like cute little animals.
Hipster guy: Yeah, no, I don’t think that will work. I don’t need to wrap it, right?
Cashier guy: Uh…I guess not.
Hipster guy: I just wanted it to be special and funny, and like ironic.
Cashier guy: Well, you can urinate on it. That would be really special and downright hilarious.
Hipster guy: Uh….okay, I’ll get the flying books paper.

–Barnes & Noble, 6th Avenue & 8th Street

Overheard by: m-co

Sailing Across a Sweet Rainbow of LSD and Frappuccinos

Cashier: And how are you today?
Girl with arm in sling, brightly: Hopped up on prescription painkillers. And yourself?

–Barnes & Noble, 7th Ave, Park Slope

Highest Maintenance

Anal Man: I want a grilled chicken wrap. But I don’t want cheese and I want a little bit of dressing on the bread as you’re making it. Some places don’t put dressing.
Cashier: We don’t put dressing here.
Anal Man: Just a bit of dressing. Not too much.
Cashier: Do you want the combo?
Anal Man: No!

–Ranch 1, Union Square

Thank You, Mr. Stonerson–Come Again

Customer: You know what would be cool? If you guys, like, wore Tibetan monk outfits while you did that. That’d be cool.
Cupcake store employee: Ummmm…

–Rivington & Essex

I Hate These Clown Shoes!

Customer to cashier: Can I have a job application, please?
Cashier to manager: I need a job application for this guy.
Manager: Why in the hell would you want to work here? I’m trying to quit!

–McDonald’s, Queens College

What, You Mean Now?

Cashier: Can you spell your name, please?
Man: … Ummm… yes.
Cashier: I meant, can you spell it for me?

–Beacon’s Closet, Park Slope

Overheard by: meyers of keswick

We Still Blame Sarah Silverman for Our Uncharitable Thoughts

Cashier #1: Me and my ex-boyfriend are on common ground.
Cashier #2: What does that mean?
Cashier #1: We both know it will never work out between us.
Cashier #2: Didn't he say he wanted to knock you up again or something?
Cashier #1: Yes.

–Grocery Store, Chelsea

Overheard by: Torch

Lucky the Cashier Had Completed Customer Service Training and Knew the Answer

Boy, looking at fish skull in glass case: Where is this fish native to?
Cashier: The ocean.

–Maxilla & Mandible

Overheard by: Aidan Shepard

She Reminds Me So Much of Her Mother

Cash register guy: Yo man, how you doing? I saw your daughter walk past here yesterday. She was with some new dude.
Bagel customer: Really?
Cash register guy: Yeah, I never saw her with this guy before.
Bagel customer: Yeah, I don’t really keep track of her.
Cash register guy: Yeah man, she’s always with a different guy. I never see her with the same guy twice. You know, one day I saw her two times in an afternoon, and she was hangin’ all over a different guy each time. Two in the same day, you know?
Bagel customer: I don’t control what she does.

–87th & 1st

Overheard by: K. Fung

Duane Reade Employees, on the Other Hand, Totally Raid Our Panty Drawers

Female customer: Does my ShopRite card work here?
Bored cashier: No, this is a Gristedes.
Customer: Well, I was just curious about their relationship.
Bored cashier: Like any good relationship, it's all about boundaries.

–Gristedes

Overheard by: bemused

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