Drunks

If White People Didn’t Exist, We’d Have to Invent Them

Fat, drunk black chick: Fuck that shit! I gotta go, and I will pee on this train!
Sister: Stop. I’m not playing, sit down.
Fat, drunk black chick: Say I won’t, Teesha, say I won’t! I will piss on this train!
Sister: Stop, you’re bothering people. Just sit down. I swear to God, I swear I’ll get off.
Fat, drunk black chick: Then I will pee on the platform. Nah, nah, I’m gonna pee on this train! Say I won’t!
Sister: You’re bothering people.
Fat, drunk black chick: White people?! I don’t care about white people! You know what they did? Fuck them — they diseased our country. They brought us HIV! TB! All that shit! They need to go back on their boats! I will pee on this train! Then we’ll see who’s diseased!

–A train, between 145th & 34th

Are We Going to Search Every Cup? We Are Not

St. Patty’s drunk: So, wait… I was told that we aren’t allowed to drink in Penn Station today, but all the vendors are selling beer. What’s the deal?
Cop: Well, they shouldn’t be selling it. If you are caught, you will be ticketed and–
Interrupting cop: –Dude, just put it in a paper cup! Go right there, buy that beer, and ask for that red paper Coke cup. That’s all.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Super Mike

A Hundred Dollars a Minute? That Better Be Freud Himself

Crazy guy to wife at front of bus: Fucking therapist fucking charges me three hundred dollars for three fucking minutes. Fuckers are trying to take my money!
Drunk guy at back of bus: Shut up! Stop cursing! There are kids on the bus.
Crazy guy to wife: I take you out to dinner, and you don’t even want to fucking go anywhere?! Why the fuck do I put up with you?!
Drunk guy: Shut up! There are womenfolk on the bus.
Crazy guy: You shut the fuck up. You think I’m not fucking dumb but I’m not. [His wife starts hitting him.]Drunk guy: Shut up! That’s what my two-year-old boy says — ‘Shut up’! Hahahaha.
Lady laughing on cell: Are you guys gonna still be at the bar? … Excellent!

–Bx10 bus

Overheard by: LSB

Wait, Where Ya Goin’? I Got Mints!

Drunk guy on cell: Yeah, man, all this stuff happened… It was fucked up.
Blonde: Could you please keep it down a little?
Drunk guy on cell: Man, this blonde bitch in front of me wants me to shut up. Dumb bitch. [hangs up and addresses blonde] Sorry about that. So, where are you going tonight?

–LIRR, between Penn & Jamaica

The Penthouse Belongs to His Brother Who Bought into the Lie

Little nephew: The kids who celebrate Kwanzaa at my school said that Santa Claus doesn’t exist.
Drunk uncle: You should tell them that the myth of a college education and a prosperous life that they belief in are an even bigger lie!

–Penthouse, Park Ave

A Real New Yorker Would’ve Said No

Drunk lady: Excuse me, does this train go to Grand Central?
Guy departing train: Yeah.

–6 platform, Grand Central

Overheard by: maybe i should have said something…

The Idea Seems So Tawdry Now That I’m Peeing

Drunk redhead: Oh my god. I totally tore Hannah’s shirt tonight. I can’t believe I did that.
Friend in stall: Oh, she doesn’t even care, don’t worry about it.
Drunk redhead: But that was a new shirt! No one had ever worn it before, and now I ripped it. I was going to tell her to make up a crazy sex story about how it got torn, but I don’t know now.

–Restroom, Brother Jimmy’s, 80th & Amsterdam

Ummm, Yeah… So, Same Sentiment, Switch Boy for Girl

Drunk girl: Happy New Year!
Long-haired child: Happy New Year!
Drunk girl: What’s your name?
Long-haired child: Slater.
Drunk girl: Slayer?
Long-haired child: Slate-er.
Drunk girl: That’s a beautiful name for a beautiful girl.
Long-haired child: I’m a boy.

–W 113th St

Sorry, Ike, You’re on Your Own

Drunk girl: [Singing.]Boyfriend: Can somebody just smack her in the face for me?

–43rd & 3rd

Overheard by: Blaze Boy

I Don’t Obsess about the Shape of the Ball

Drunk Long Island guy: Jets!
Drunk Long Island girl #1: I hate football!
Drunk Long Island girl #2: I’m a Red Sox fan.
Drunk Long Island guy: … That’s baseball. We are talking about football.
Drunk Long Island girl #2: Oh, well, I’m a Red Sox fan. That’s all I know.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Rori

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