Come on In– The Wednesday One-Liner Is Fine!

20-something chick: Sea captains doing table-service is never okay.

–A Train

Overheard by: Ladle

Lady on Bluetooth: Well, if you prove to everyone that your vagina is as wide as an ocean, then go ahead!

–Brooklyn

Teenage girl to friend: So, I heard back from the lifeguard application. (pauses, then utterly bewildered) I need to know how to swim!

–Uptown 1 Train

Overheard by: totheworld

Loud woman on escalator: No, you don't get it. When you're under water, you're not wet.

–Queens Center Mall

Overheard by: Burning Vegan

Middle-aged man watching seven-year old swimming deftly in shallow end: Oh, yeah? Well, I can drive. Can you? My feet can touch the bottom. Can yours?

–CUNY Swim Class

Overheard by: obyun

Posted on October 20, 2020
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Cars and Driving, College, Compare/Contrast, Education, Friends, Girls, Height, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Malls, Men, On the Subway, One-liners, Queens, Questions, Sports, Stupidity, Teens, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

Gadzooks! Wednesday One-liners!

Queer: I am going to learn Aramaic so Jesus can understand me.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Lynn Casey

Posted on October 2, 2020
All Wednesday One-Liners, Central Park, Education, Jesus, Languages, Queer guys, Wishes & desires

Don’t Forget about That One “I’m Too Hungover to Grade”

Student: So, I was wondering if I could know how I did on that presentation last week.
Professor: Oh, yes, yes — you did wonderful!
Student: No, I mean, like, how did I do?
Professor: Wonderful. You did wonderful.
Student: So… Is that my grade?
Professor: Yes.
Student: Great, now I have all zero’s and a ‘Wonderful.’ I wonder what that averages out to.

–Fordham University

Posted on September 14, 2020
Education, Fordham, Students, Teachers/Professors

As Close to a Sweet Vignette As OINY Gets

(man with headphones singing out loud moves over so that an elderly couple can sit down together)
Old lady: Thank you.
Man: You are very, very welcome. I’m rappin’ out loud, but I’m a gentleman. I was raised in the streets, but I’m good.

–1 Train

Overheard by: huh?

Posted on September 2, 2020
Always Bringing it Back to You!, Default, Education, Etiquette, Men, Old People, On the Subway, Women

The Pitter-Patter of Tiny Wednesday One-Liners

Young boy: Fuck school! When I’m old enough, I’m just going to stay home and make babies.

–1 Train

College professor: Everything that is wrong in this world can be traced back to babies.

–40th & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Just Trying to Smoke in Peace

Girl on phone: I’m going to have to cancel for a few different reasons. First, the baby hasn’t gotten all her shots. And more importantly, there’s something pecking through my wall! I’m really freaked out!

–Bleecker and Lafayette

Woman with three kids, after watching the eldest push the middle to the ground: What are you pushing him down for? Are you trying to upset my stomach so I lose this baby inside me?

–St Marks Place, Staten Island

Girl on cell: Well if she likes to have babies so much, why don’t she just be a … doctor!

–52nd & 7th

Professor: 42-year-old babies don’t have bones.

–Schenectady County Community College

Posted on May 2, 2020
Advice, Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Babies, College, Education, Fears, Girls, Home, Sweet Home, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Not New York, On Cell, On the Subway, Philosophy, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Questions, School and studying, Sex, Staten Island, Teachers/Professors, The Village, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

I Figure I'll Just Point Randomly at the Course Guide Later While Drunk

New Columbia student #1: So what are you majoring in?
New Columbia student #2: Um, like, math I guess.

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: DH

Posted on April 21, 2020
Education, On the Subway, Questions, School and studying, Science, Students

Coincidentally, ‘A Fun Place Where Children Can Learn’ Was What He Called His Van

Girl: Would you be interested in hearing about a fun place where children can learn?
Man: No, I’m not allowed because I’m a registered felon.
Girl: Well, have a nice day!

–outside SCORE! Educational Center, Union Turnpike

Overheard by: Pfeff

Posted on March 1, 2020
Creepsters, Crime and Punishment, Education, Girls, Men, Nice People, Queens, Questions

Why Topless Tutoring Exists

Eight-year-old ghetto kid: Mama, give me your cell phone! I gotta call my girlfriend.
Mother: What you gonna talk to her about? How you can't read and write? Tell her to help you with that!

–Harlem

Overheard by: Joe

Posted on February 16, 2020
Comebacks, Education, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Kids, Moms, Offers and requests, Parents, Relationships

If You’re So Smart, Explain the Wax

Buff dude #1: Hey, guy.
Smart guy: What’s up?
Buff dude #1: Can you settle something? Is Portugal in Europe or South America?
Smart guy: Uh, it’s in Europe.
Buff dude #1: See?
Buff dude #2: Okay, okay. But, like, the Portuguese they speak in South America — that’s not the same language as they speak in South America, right?
Smart guy: Actually, it is. Brazil was settled by the Portuguese, and the Spanish got the rest of South America, which is why they speak Spanish in the other countries that aren’t Brazil.
Buff dude #2: Oooh! Look who passed his geography class!

–Exodus Gym, Union & Metropolitan, Williamsburg

Posted on January 15, 2020
Education, Global Geography, Gyms, Idiots, Languages, Men

Science without Science

Yuppie: I was just teaching the scientific method to my students.
Nerd: Oh, so you teach them induction and deduction?
Yuppie: [long pause] The students aren’t that smart so I don’t teach them big words like those.

— Party, Manhattan

Posted on January 2, 2020
Dorks, Geeks and Nerds, Education, Manhattan, Questions, Teachers/Professors, Words, Yuppies