Education

Translation: “God, I Need a Woman.”

Man: Yeah, my mother raised me right. I make sure I eat breakfast every day.
Woman: Mmm-hmm.
Man: I have sardines and grits every day.
Woman: Sardines?
Man: Hell, yes. Sometimes I give some of the gravy to the cats, and they go crazy for it. I mean, it don't matter if they just ate or nothing, they just love the gravy.
Woman: Mmm-hmm.
Man: Gravy. I usually give them a little of whatever I cook. You know, and then they either eat it or they don't. They like turn their heads away if they don't like it. But they sure like gravy. Gravy.

–B26 Bus, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

I'm All Out of Friends

Suit #1: Yeah, back in high school I picked on the wimps in gym. It's how I made friends, y'know?
Suit #2: Yeah, totally. That's how I made friends too.
Suit #1: I wonder whatever happened to those guys.

–6th Ave

…In the 1800s

Girl: Oh my god, I just found out that my high school drama teacher has been sleeping with the kid who's the star in all of the shows.
Boy: Shit!
Girl: Yeah, I heard they're both in jail now or something.
Boy: That's like the time that family in my town had those slaves.

–Crowded Elevator, NYU

Overheard by: confused

Of Course, I Missed Like Every Science Class Ever

Hipster girl: Gosh, I’m like Pavlov’s dog!
Guy: What the hell is that?
Hipster girl: You don’t know? They teach it in, like, every science class ever!
Guy: So, what is it?
Hipster girl: It has something to do with bells and drool, I’m not really sure.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Tres Chic

That’s Such a Crime

Teen boy #1: She’s not a slave.
Teen boy #2: Slaves have a third grade reading level.
Teen boy #1: Fourth.

–B31 bus

Wednesday One-Liners Publish or Perish

Professor: I’m gonna show you a little old insertion trick that my grandmother taught me. It works great.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: wba2101

Professor: Everyone is here except the person who is not here.

–City College

Overheard by: ClaRity

Latin professor: So, what Tibullus is trying to say is that old women have to be in the beauty parlor a lot! Beauty doesn’t come as easily as when you’re 18 and always looking great… Well, I suppose that’s not exactly true. As I look around the room, I see that sometimes you girls could use some work in the mornings.

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Kate Melvin

Professor: My wife has many male friends… I don’t ask questions.

–NYU

Law professor: It’s possible… Just like it’s possible I’ll get raptured at any minute.

–NYU Law School

The Filming of Back to School II

Eddie Izzard: We’ve explored space, but we haven’t drilled down. You all remember Journey to the Center of the Earth. Why don’t we just drill down to the center and see the…what’s it called?
Guy: Magma.
Eddie Izzard: Yeah, we’ll get a heat resistant camera and we’ll see the magma. And they’ll make a documentary–
Guy: It wouldn’t work.
Eddie Izzard: Eh?
Guy: The density would be too intense.
Eddie Izzard: No, we would take the rocks out behind us–
Guy: No, the air would be too dense. As you approach the center of
the earth, the density of the air increases.
Eddie Izzard: But what if you took the rocks out?
Guy: No, the air would still be too dense.
Eddie Izzard: Oh, well I guess you would know better than I. You must be some sort of scientist?
Guy: Actually, I’m an actor…but I took science class.

–The Village Theatre, Bleecker Street

But Ignorance of the Law Is a Good Defense, Right?

Teacher: So, to conclude my lecture, I just want to tell you all again that this is illegal.
Student: What’s illegal?
Teacher: Have you been listening?
Student: No.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Stuck in Class

And, by the Way, ‘Grammatically Correctly’ Is Needlessly Redundant

Belligerent white woman: Could you get of the way?
Black teen: I be trying!
Belligerent white woman: You should speak gramatically correctly!
Smartass: “I be trying” isn’t ungrammatical. It’s standard usage in African-American vernacular English.
Belligerent white woman: Oh, what would you know?
Smartass: I have a Ph.D. in linguistics from MIT.

–A train

You Have to Pass Asshole 101 to Get Into All Your Girlfriend’s Friends

High school girl #1: I think they give them a class on it.
High school girl #2: Called what? How to be a complete asshole and sleep with all of your girlfriend’s friends?

–Dalton School, Upper East Side

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