The NYC Subways (A Very Short Story)

Hobo: Stop making the fucking announcements twice, you cocksuckers. Fucking close the doors, don’t just keep them opening and shutting again! You muthafuckas! I need to fucking get home! I need to fucking feed my fish, yo! Fish need to eat too! Now have you seen those pigeons around the city? They carry mad disease…Where are you from, muthafucka? Pennsylvania? Oh, you must be a smart son of a bitch! Oh fuck! Close the doors you muthafucka! I need to feed my fish! Suck my balls!

The doors finally close.

Hobo: It’s about fucking time! We’re riding slower than if I was on a turtle’s back! And local stops too! My fucking fish are gonna fucking die! I should just make a goddamn goldfish sandwich with mayonnaise!

A Black guy comes through the car doors from the car behind and observes the hobo.

Black guy: Oh damn. Two wackos on one train? That’s too much.
Hobo: Close the door, please…cocksucker…Por. Favor.

–E train

Overheard by: Megan Cowles

Posted on December 4, 2024
Black People, Hobos, On the Subway, Public Transportation

Wednesday One-liners

Hobo: …but don’t worry; us Republicans know what you’re up to!

–Sullivan & W. 3rd

Woman on cell: Uh huh…yeah…right…uh huh…uh huh…the one you thought was underwear…uh huh…right…

–Lincoln Center

Girl on cell: I am so not dressed for a strip club!

–Times Square

Posted on October 21, 2024
Fashion, Hobos, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, People, Places, Republicans, The Village, Times Square, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

The Homeless: Like the Circus, But Free!

Hobo #1: Check this out.

He spits something across the car.

Hobo #2: What was that?
Hobo #1: Tooth.
Hobo #2: Nice, nice.

–F train

A junkie hobo walks directly into the store’s window, almost breaking his nose. Seeing this, his homeless buddy responds, rather outraged: Again?!

–Dunkin Donuts, 23rd St. between Broadway & Park

Overheard by: Astrid Vanderpool

Posted on November 10, 2023
Drugs, Hard Drugs, Hobos, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Stoners, Straight Trippin', Street

Homeless Wednesday One-liners

Hobo: Anyone have any spare change or medicine for lice?

–Christopher St. station

Overheard by: Matthew Dyke

Hobo: Excuse me, excuse me, sir, do you have change for a 12?

–West 4th Street

Singing hobo: I just spilled, I just spilled, I just spilled my blackberry brand-ayyyy.

–14th St. & 6th Ave.

Overheard by: wayne mitchell

Posted on November 6, 2023
All Wednesday One-Liners, Drinking & Drunk People, Hair, Health and Hygiene, Hobos, Homeless, Manhattan, Medicine, Money & Class, People, Places, Topics, West Village

A Wealth of Wednesday One-liners

Hobo: Folks, help me out. I am trying to get my rotor blade fixed on my helicopter!

–W. 10th and 7th Ave

Overheard by: Alex Wipf

Connecticut woman: It was such a joke among my friends; I was always going out with artists or unemployed people…which I guess is the same thing.

–Cuppa Cuppa, East Village

Posted on September 25, 2023
All Wednesday One-Liners, Artists, Dating, Hobos, Homeless, Jobs & Careers, Manhattan, Money & Class, People, Places, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex & Relationships, Topics, Union Square and East Village, Venues, West Village

NYC: We Even Have Bad Homeless Comedians

Hobo: Did you hear about Michael Jackson’s delivery service? It’s called Boyz 2 Men!
Schlub: This guy’s good!

–1/9 train

Posted on August 23, 2023
About Celebrities, Hobos, Idiots, On the Subway

Surely He Meant Our Publisher

Hobo: You are very beautiful…you look like a movie star. Like Morgan Freeman.
Girl: Huh?
Hobo: Er, no, Morgan…Fairchild. Yeah, Morgan Fairchild.

–Bedford Ave. station

Posted on August 11, 2023
A-List, About Celebrities, Beauty, Brooklyn, C-List, Hobos, Movies, Pop Culture

Our City is Better Than Yours, and Here’s Why

Subway comic: Ladies, special today is used pregnancy tests. I’ve got negative and positive. Gentlemen, you won’t need to go on Maury. I got Viagra Snickers bars, straight from the nursing home. And for all you people who lift weights, this just in: Barry Bonds’ used steroid needles. I’m here for one reason and one reason only, so dig deep in your wallet and pocketbook…Wooh! I got a dollar! I can buy a superbubble and some chips! For every $5 or $10 you give me, it takes me one step closer to college. For every $100 or $200 you give me, I won’t need college. My name is Crazy Jay! Look for me, and thanks for being nosey!

–D train

Posted on August 4, 2023
Comedians, Drugs, Hobos, Homeless, On the Subway, School and studying

The Robohobos and Hoborgs Hit the Streets Today

Hobo: Beep. Beep. Beep.
Fat woman: Stop it!
Hobo: Beep. Beep. Beep.

–9th between 37th & 38th

Posted on July 4, 2023
Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Fat People, Hobos

Another Round of Wednesday One-Liners

Woman: She brought a bottle of vodka on the plane with her. She was doing shots the whole flight.

–Central Park

Overheard by: sarah

Conductor: The next stop is Cherry Hill, but for the men singing, it was alcohol.

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Date Rape

Smooth operator: Don’t worry, I thought you were pretty before I got drunk.

–Subway

Party girl: Yeah, so I did like 10 shots and woke up the next day wearing only one shoe and a sombrero.

–51st St & Broadway

Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, I have spent all my money on alcohol and marijuana and drugs… But now, I have learned my lesson. I want to spend all your money on alcohol and marijuana and drugs… and viagra…

–Union Square, uptown 6 train

Guy: Dude, I can’t get that drunk. I am trying to fuck that girl tonight.

–Outside Columbia dorm

Bimbette: Oh my god, it was a terrorist act! I’m going to the wine bar.

–68th St & York

Posted on June 8, 2023
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Beauty, Bimbettes, Central Park, College, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Conductors, Drinking & Drunk People, Drugs, Ew, Jersey, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hobos, Homeless, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On the Subway, Pick-up Lines, Places, Sex, Sex & Relationships, Terrorism, Topics, Upper East Side, Venues, Weed, Women, Yeaaahhh College!

Hobos