Hobos

Foreplay Don’ts

Girl: You want a lap dance?
Guy: Huh? Sure, where?
Girl: How about your place?…I’ll give you one for two hundred bucks.
Guy: What? Are you crazy?
Girl: Okay, 50. I’m really a nice girl…I’m just having a hard time paying my bills.
Guy: No, thanks!
Girl: Okay…What would you want for 50 bucks?
Guy: Can I fuck you in the ass?
Girl: What? You’re sick.
Guy: Go home, get some sleep…and go look for a job in the morning.

–Cassidy’s Ale House, Flushing

Overheard by: Stephan

Hobo: You should put your legs together.
Girl: What did you say to me?
Hobo: Close your legs.
Girl: I’m a big girl, they’re as closed as they’re gonna get. It’s called “fat”.
Hobo: I guess you want to air out.
Girl: I guess you want a whiff.

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: Djuna

Drunk fratboy: Damn, you got a sexy walk, girl!…Hey, can I buy you a drink?
Girl: No, thanks anyway.
Drunk fratboy: OK…so, uh…how about I just fuck you in the ass, then?

–Washington Square Park

Even a Penny Helps, Wednesday One-liners

Hobo: She’s fine, I’d fuck her…her too. And that one. And….ooh, not her, you can have that one.

–Madison Square Park

Old hobo: Who the fuck said black people are dangerous? The next person I hear say that I am throwing in the next dumpster!

–40th & 8th

Hobo: People, if you do not have a useable skill and/or a good pussy, you do not get that train ticket home!

–Times Square

Notes from the New York Underground

The subway doors open. A hobo enters, holding a bottle of windex in one hand and a tube of toothpaste in the other.

Hobo: Which is the better time to read Dostyevsky? Winter?

He sprays the windex.

Hobo: Or Spring?

He squeezes toothpaste out of the tube.

Japanese girl: Spring!
Hobo: You are correct.

–F train

Overheard by: Pete Johnson

It’s Not Capitalism If There Aren’t Hobos with AIDS

Woman #1: I’m talking about beggars who ask for money, say they have AIDS, and will spit on you.
Woman #2: That’s not really begging anymore, now is it?
Woman #1: No…that’s called Free Enterprise.

–70th & 2nd

Overheard by: nita

How Many Licks Does It Take?

Freestyling hobo: Sex on TV will never stop. My big dick in a lollipop.

Bonus: The blueblood ladies walking by gasped.

–40th & 2nd

Spare Some Change, Wednesday One-liners

Hobo: I’m homeless! I’m battling child abuse! The Jews and the Irish are spreading lies about me!

–14th Street between 5th & Union Square

Overheard by: a Jewish-Irish girl

Hobo: Nice chickie, hot, another one, good, love them, there’s a good one. No, wait: that’s a guy.

–29th & Madison

Bald hobo: If I was tall they’d braid my hair! But no, I’m short, so they won’t braid my hair!

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Jeremy

Hobo: I’m technologically impaired. Spare a cell phone? An iPod?

–St. Mark’s & 1st Ave

Overheard by: Rose Yndigoyen

The Republican Convention Delegates: Where Are They Now?

A hobo is sitting on a bench next to a woman.

Hobo: Don’t touch my butt, lady. I’m a virgin.
Woman: Oh, please.
Hobo: Get over it.

–Central Park

Quit Bragging About Your Stool

Hobo #1: I ain’t kidding. It was the size of a personal pizza!
Hobo #2: Child, please. Ain’t no fuckin’ way.

–Washington Square Park

How Not to Hook Up in NYC

Chick: I don’t get Spanish guys. They compliment you every time you pass them. They always say things like, “You have beautiful legs, in my country it is an honor for a woman to be told she has beautiful legs”. Well, you’re in NY now, honey, and I’m a bitch!

–5th Ave. & 82nd St.

Player: Excuse me miss, you’re even better looking than J. Lo. Can I have your autograph?

–Fulton Street mall

Hobo: Hey, you a pretty lady. You married?…I got food stamps!

–Astoria

Overheard by: mj

“If I was you, I’d give me a dollar.”

Hobo: Please man, can I have 25 cents? It’s to eat, ya know…
Man: Here you go. But if I was you, I’d eat something else.

–Hylan Boulevard, Staten Island

Overheard by: Helniev

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