Holidays

Crosstown Wednesday One-Liners

Driver: Some people want to go to work, some people want to go home, some people want to go into your pockets… Watch for pickpockets.

–B44 bus

Overheard by: Katia

Bus driver: This is the express bus to Boston. We’ll arrive at 10:00, 10:30, whichever is earlier.

–Port Authority bus terminal

Bus driver: Happy New Year’s everyone. This is the New Year’s bus. I hope someone is looking over my roasted pork chops in the oven back there. I got some collard greens and potatoes cookin’ as well. Let’s get this bus movin’.

–101 bus, 68th & 3rd

Overheard by: Sashanyc

Bus driver who wouldn’t let anyone pay to get on, claiming she’d won the lottery: Nice day today, huh? Y’all wanna go to the beach? Bring a blanket? Three p.m. — meet me at a secret location. MTA going your way! They won’t mind if I take it for a few hours. Madison is next.

–M79 bus, 79th & 5th

Overheard by: mar

Bus driver to boarding passengers: If you have a name that starts with a letter, move to the back of the bus.

–86th St crosstown bus

Overheard by: Hannah Rose

And What They Did to Dick Clark

Guy: So, for New Year’s…
Bimbette: Yeah, well, I don’t want to do any of that Times Square stuff — it’s really scary there. All those terrorists…

–Joe’s Shanghai, Chinatown

Overheard by: soup dumpling

It’s Branding — What Are Ya Gonna Do?

Hipster #1 walking past large inflatable snowman: Dude, I fucking hate Christmas. It’s like, nothing but a giant celebration of modern consumer capitalism.
Hipster #2 gesturing to wreath on church door: Totally. Look, even the churches are advertising Christmas these days.

–Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn

In New York City, If There Aren’t Lights on It, It Doesn’t Exist

Airhead #1: Where is the tree?
Airhead #2: It’s not here!

–Next to the unlit Christmas tree, Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Lalaith

Fine. Whatever.

Bench girl #1: So, do you guys go to church for Christmas?
Bench girl #2: Nah, my family’s Jewish.
Bench girl #1: … So do you go to temple to celebrate Christmas?

–Central Park

Overheard by: Doug

‘Tis the Season for Forced Jollity

Two ghetto carolers: Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way… [To three other carolers] Hey! Fuckin’ sing! You’re not singing, and we’re supposed to make people fuckin’ happy and shit.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Tex Morgan

Are You Ready for the Holidays, New York?

Ghetto girl: My boss makes us take off on Jewish holidays and don’t even pay us!
Ghetto friend: That’s messed up.
Ghetto girl: I know. I don’t celebrate no Yipper Kipper! I wanna say to him, ‘I ain’t Jewish, nigga.’

–L train

Overheard by: Caroline

Makes Me Too Sick to Throw Up

Model: My agency is the only place where I feel at home, ’cause none of the men want to fuck me.
Friend: What about at Christmas with your family?
Model: Nope.

–Union Square

Tales from Wednesday One-Liners’ Crypt

Man on cell: What are you, some sort of reverse vampire?

–C train

Dude: And there were unicorns exploding in the background… or at least doing whatever it is unicorns do.

–Live Bait, 23rd St

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson

Chick: You kind of look like a vampire in this picture. But a cool vampire! Like, if you were in The Lost Boys, Kiefer Sutherland would totally want to have sex with you.

–55th & 6th

Overheard by: wants to have sex with Kiefer Sutherland

Drunk hobo chuckling: You people look depressed! I know how to cheer you up. I’ll sing my favorite song! ‘Ding, dong, the witch is dead, the witch is dead…’ [Looks around] Hmmm… [Notices the train going express] What the…? I need a new mathematician! I need a new mathematician!

–6 train making express stops on a surprise basis

Overheard by: Barry Negrin

Sax-wielding hobo: I am an alien! From outer space! Not from Mexico!

–L train

Overheard by: Alex P. Keaton

Ricky’s employee: Looks like I’m all out in the fairy department.

–58th & Broadway

Mom: Johnny, put down the sword. Vampires don’t use weapons. Their teeth are their weapons.

–Halloween shop, 8th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

I Have People Who Do that for Me

Pope: So you said 300 percent return?
Bee: Definitely, man — 300 percent!
Pope: So I’ll have my people call your people.
Bee: Yeah, let’s have our people talk.
Pope: My people will totally be in touch with your people, man.
Bee: Okay, dude. Then let’s get high.

–Halloween party, Brooklyn

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