Holidays

Traffic warden: You can park anywhere. I see people putting money in meters and they don’t have to. It’s free today. Tomorrow, New Year’s Day, too.
Guy: Then why are you working today?
Traffic warden: Don’t know. They pay me to.

–UWS

Guy #1: Hard to believe it’s Thanksgiving already.
Guy #2: Next week.
Guy #1: How much do cigarettes cost in Florida?

–Ranch 1, Times Square

White guy #1: I was listening to Celia Cruz.
Spanish guy: Yeah, I’ve been to Santa Cruz.
White guy #2: What? Santa Claus?

–48th & 6th

Woman #1: I hate this time of year in the city. It’s like there are ten times as many tourists as usual, because everyone’s on vacation.
Woman #2: I know. I mean, just look at the flocks of Asian people around here!
Woman #1: Ummmm, we’re in Chinatown.

–Mott & Grand

Overheard by: Elisabeth

Mother #1: Yeah, Thanksgiving is so crazy. I decided long ago not to travel; it’s too much with the kids.
Mother #2: I know. I went to California once with the kids, and it was insane!
Mother #1: We just have a nice, quiet dinner at home.
Mother #2: I know! Once, we had a pantsless Thanksgiving. We all sat around the table without any pants on and ate dinner. The boys were crawling on the table, it was great!
Mother #1: Yikes…

–Avenue of the Americas

Foreigner: Excusa me, sir, I get the milk, yes?
Barista #1 holding steamed milk: No. You ordered a Doppio. You don’t get no milk in a Doppio.
Foreigner, holding drink out to Barista #1: But the milk?
Barista #1, cradling milk: No! You don’t get no fuckin’ milk! Order a fuckin’ latte, and then I’ll give you some of this milk! You can pour yourself some of that stale shit from over there, but you don’t get none of this milk!

Barista #2 grabs cup and pours the customer some milk.

Barista #2 to Barista #1: Shit, this ain’t Valentine’s Day — don’t you get emotional. It’s some other holiday. Hell, it’s Christmas. [To customer] Here you go, sir! Merry Christmas!

–Starbucks, St. Marks & 3rd Ave

Girl: Think you’ll be able to convince your parents to go see a movie or something over Christmas?
Guy: Not a chance. My parents are impossible to motivate to do anything.
Girl: Ah, I bet you could get them to at least try during the holidays.
Guy: I’m not kidding…They are completely exhausted by eating, sleeping, shitting, and working. That’s all they have energy for. 

–Tompkins Square Park

Overheard by: BBW 

Chick: Do you have your Halloween costume yet?
Dude: Yeah, I’m gonna be Spam… but not the salty kind!

–Madison Ave

Overheard by: sophia johannah zuckerman pogoff’s friend emi

Chubby girl: I need to lose some weight before I go on vacation. What did you eat when you went on your three‐day diet?
Anorexic girl: Uh…I didn’t.

–Union Square

Guy on cell: Come on, one third of Americans don’t pay their taxes. I want to be one of them.

–7th Ave & Garfield, Brooklyn

Guy on cell: Does he know where he is? This is America – this is America. They makin’ ice cream every second! I don’t know what he’s complainin’ about, they got chains makin’ food 24 hours a day…they even makin’ milk on Christmas!

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Tess

Obnoxious black guy to another: I was watchin’ a special on tv last night talkin’ about how gays can’t be in the war! When they find out the whole America is gay, we’re screwed!

–45th & 9th

Construction worker to another: Hell, I could break down George Bush in a debate. And I’m a fuckin’ plumber! (pause) I hate my damn nation…

–Dunkin’ Donuts, Astoria, Queens

Conductor: This is the r local to Continental… Forest Hills… Queens… USA!

–R Train

Overheard by: Mugsy’s Moll