Holidays

GOD BLESS AMERICA

Chick: Ugh! These aren’t even cold! I can’t believe this! Who’s the manager? I said, who’s the manager? Well, where is he?
Deli guy: Uh, over there.
Chick: Look! Look at these drinks! How do you expect me to drink these? They aren’t even cold!
Manager guy: We just put them in there.
Chick: I don’t care! I want a cold drink now!
Manager guy: I’m sorry you’re upset but it’s very hot today and we’re selling drinks faster than we can restock them.
Chick: I don’t care! I expect you to find me something cold to drink!

–Marche Madison, 74th & Madison

Overheard by: sarahg

Chick on cell: So, when are you going to watch the fireworks? Like, in the evening?

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Andy Travis

Judge Her by the Content of Her Character

Girl on cell: Mom, of course I’m not going to be there on Monday. It’s Columbus Day. Co-lum-bus. It’s a holiday.

–Broadway & 13th

Overheard by: Sparkle Shortz

About Last Night

Traffic warden: You can park anywhere. I see people putting money in meters and they don’t have to. It’s free today. Tomorrow, New Year’s Day, too.
Guy: Then why are you working today?
Traffic warden: Don’t know. They pay me to.

–UWS

“…but mostly, I’m grateful for emphysema.”

Guy #1: Hard to believe it’s Thanksgiving already.
Guy #2: Next week.
Guy #1: How much do cigarettes cost in Florida?

–Ranch 1, Times Square

The Art of Conversation Has Died with the Rise of the iPod

White guy #1: I was listening to Celia Cruz.
Spanish guy: Yeah, I've been to Santa Cruz.
White guy #2: What? Santa Claus?

–48th & 6th

Oh, These Are Those Year-Round Tourists!

Woman #1: I hate this time of year in the city. It's like there are ten times as many tourists as usual, because everyone's on vacation.
Woman #2: I know. I mean, just look at the flocks of Asian people around here!
Woman #1: Ummmm, we're in Chinatown.

–Mott & Grand

Overheard by: Elisabeth

We Call It… The Aristocrats!

Mother #1: Yeah, Thanksgiving is so crazy. I decided long ago not to travel; it’s too much with the kids.
Mother #2: I know. I went to California once with the kids, and it was insane!
Mother #1: We just have a nice, quiet dinner at home.
Mother #2: I know! Once, we had a pantsless Thanksgiving. We all sat around the table without any pants on and ate dinner. The boys were crawling on the table, it was great!
Mother #1: Yikes…

–Avenue of the Americas

They’ve Got Their ‘Good Barista / Bad Barista’ Act Down to a Science

Foreigner: Excusa me, sir, I get the milk, yes?
Barista #1 holding steamed milk: No. You ordered a Doppio. You don’t get no milk in a Doppio.
Foreigner, holding drink out to Barista #1: But the milk?
Barista #1, cradling milk: No! You don’t get no fuckin’ milk! Order a fuckin’ latte, and then I’ll give you some of this milk! You can pour yourself some of that stale shit from over there, but you don’t get none of this milk!

Barista #2 grabs cup and pours the customer some milk.

Barista #2 to Barista #1: Shit, this ain’t Valentine’s Day — don’t you get emotional. It’s some other holiday. Hell, it’s Christmas. [To customer] Here you go, sir! Merry Christmas!

–Starbucks, St. Marks & 3rd Ave

If They Had Kids, There’s a Fifth Option

Girl: Think you’ll be able to convince your parents to go see a movie or something over Christmas?
Guy: Not a chance. My parents are impossible to motivate to do anything.
Girl: Ah, I bet you could get them to at least try during the holidays.
Guy: I’m not kidding…They are completely exhausted by eating, sleeping, shitting, and working. That’s all they have energy for.

–Tompkins Square Park

Overheard by: BBW

Dear Sir: I Have Much Candy in a Nigerian Account

Chick: Do you have your Halloween costume yet?
Dude: Yeah, I’m gonna be Spam… but not the salty kind!

–Madison Ave

Overheard by: sophia johannah zuckerman pogoff’s friend emi

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