Chubby girl: I need to lose some weight before I go on vacation. What did you eat when you went on your three-day diet?
Anorexic girl: Uh…I didn't.
–Union Square
Chubby girl: I need to lose some weight before I go on vacation. What did you eat when you went on your three-day diet?
Anorexic girl: Uh…I didn't.
–Union Square
Guy on cell: Come on, one third of Americans don't pay their taxes. I want to be one of them.
–7th Ave & Garfield, Brooklyn
Guy on cell: Does he know where he is? This is America–this is America. They makin' ice cream every second! I don't know what he's complainin' about, they got chains makin' food 24 hours a day…they even makin' milk on Christmas!
–NJ Transit
Overheard by: Tess
Obnoxious black guy to another: I was watchin' a special on tv last night talkin' about how gays can't be in the war! When they find out the whole America is gay, we're screwed!
–45th & 9th
Construction worker to another: Hell, I could break down George Bush in a debate. And I'm a fuckin' plumber! (pause) I hate my damn nation…
–Dunkin' Donuts, Astoria, Queens
Conductor: This is the r local to Continental… Forest Hills… Queens… USA!
–R Train
Overheard by: Mugsy's Moll
Ghetto girl #1: Nah, bitch! I’m, like, 11. I’m not sittin’ on no Santa’s lap!
Ghetto girl #2: You don’t know. They was givin’ out gifts and shit.
Ghetto girl #1: Word? Nobody told me!
–4 train
Overheard by: marty
A couple watched the fireworks.
Wife: Oh my god! They was so close! I got ashes in my hair! Ashes in my face! They were all over the fucking place!
Husband: Too bad they weren’t shootin’ off corned beef!
–Greenpoint
Overheard by: Gurnsonian the Lesser
Guy: The smell of fireworks always reminds me of fucking a dead hooker.
–McCarren Park, Williamsburg
Overheard by: Dan
Stewardess: To all US citizens aboard this flight, happy 4th of July. We would like to thank England for divorcing us several centuries ago and giving us our independence!
–JFK flight into Heathrow
Overheard by: Jeanne Fu
Girl #1: Are you able to go on your roof to watch the Macy’s fireworks?
Girl #2: I don’t even know if my building has a roof.
–Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Room 3
Girl on cell: How the hell am I supposed to know what time the fireworks start? Who do you think I am, America?
–Cobble Hill
Overheard by: Chris
Dude: Maybe I’ll just go on vacation with my left hand.
–67th & Columbus
Overheard by: Meli
Teen tourist on cell: I’m on vacation — I’m allowed to be a slut!
–Times Square
Trinidadian conductor on PA: This is Broadway-Nassau/Fulton Street. Transfer on the upper level for 2-3-4-5, J, M and Z… And please keep in mind that this time tomorrow, I’ll be landin’ in Trinidad in the sun, hahaha!
–A train
Overheard by: Russ Wall
Conductor: Just remember that on Sunday, I’ll be on my way to Acapulco! Ho, ho, ho! Did you ever see Santa in short pants and a t-shirt?
–A train
Overheard by: amc
Girl to friends: Yeah, so, you know how I was obsessed with my ex, right? So, he totally doesn’t know this, but one time when he was on vacation with his family, I broke into his house, looked through all his stuff for like three hours, and then took a huge dump in his parents’ bathroom and peaced.
–Grand Central
Worker to another: Wear something non-flammable when you go on vacation.
–Tiffany & Co.
20-something woman on cell: I thought I was pregnant because I was nauseous all the time, but then I realized I was just always hungover.
–111th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Guy to chick: What the fuck did she get pregnant for? She needed to lose some weight.
–Bowery
Hyper chick: He got me knocked up with this giant pretzel!
–LIRR
Overheard by: Pretzel Vendor
20-something girl to friend: Oh, so you're thinking because it's Memorial Day weekend you're gonna get preggers?
–Hoyt-Schermerhorn Subway Sation
Guy, about a couple who'd broken up: She came back to pick up her shit, and when you come back to pick up your shit, you know, shit happens, and she got pregnant.
–Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ashley
Lady suit on cell: Well, unless you want to get me pregnant, I'm not sure I see a way around this!
–Columbus Circle
[On Ash Wednesday]Female pastor: Come get ashy for Jesus, no credit, bad credit, God don’t care. Come get your blessing! Free Jesus with all ash.
Daily newspaper hawker: Daily News, 50 cents, Jesus for free!
–Fordham Rd & Jerome Ave
20-something woman to man: You've never been arrested? I have never met anyone that has not been arrested!
–Le Charlot Restaurant, Upper East Side
Angry guy on cell: If you ever send e-mail to my family again, I will wait outside your apartment door! (pause) I got arrested! I spent Thanksgiving in jail!
–11th & University
Overheard by: MissPinkKate
Man in US Correctional Services jacket to another looking around hectically in a large crowd: Make sure we don't lose him!
–Penn Station
Chubby well-dressed black dude to skinny white geeky friends: Time in prison can be good for the soul!
–F Train
Overheard by: MissMae
Guy on cell: Yeah man, she's like a young girl, and she's driving me nuts. It's like always a fight with her. I mean, she's so young, yo… But yeah, I mean, she's a sweetheart. I mean, she's a good girl. So young. Like, we've been together for 7 months and that ain't nothing to me, but to her it's a big deal. And I'm all like, shit, I've been in jail for longer than 7 months, you know, so I don't know what she's bitching about. I don't need her to make me miserable. I can make myself miserable.
–Metro-North Train
Overheard by: Meaghan
Fran Drescher sound-alike: What's wrong with you? Don't applaud, I'm going to jail!
–Eight Mile Creek, Mullberry Street
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Bus driver: Just a friendly reminder, folks: it is now holiday season! Holiday shopping season! So, for those of you who insist on utilizing the crosstown bus, please remember to add six hours onto your regular travel time!
–M14D crosstown bus
Conductor: This is the A express. Forty-second Street is next. And remember: only ten shopping days left until Christmas!
–A train, 59th St
Overheard by: Call me Santa
Man on cell: What did I get you for for Christmas last year? … Oh, yeah, I bought you all that! [Smiles sheepishly.] Well, I ain’t buying you shit this Christmas!
–1 train
Overheard by: marcusmarc
Old black dude to Salvation Army Santa: Hahaha! You ring that bell like a faggot!
–33rd & 7th
Conductor: Now would be a good time to discuss the idea of pickpockets — they’re running wild everywhere during this Christmas time! And that’s your paranoia for the day!
–F train
Santa on cell: Bro, I totally almost fucked a girl dressed as a reindeer last night.
–Ludlow St
Overheard by: ryan
Conductor: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I hope you’re all doing well. Just wanted to remind you to take all your belongings with you as you exit the train. Have a wonderful holiday… Be safe, be good, and if you can’t be good, be good-looking.
–2 train
Overheard by: apparently out of luck
Alabaman, about MLK Day: Yeah, well, down in Alabama we don’t celebrate his birthday, but the day he was shot.
College kid: Uh…
–49th & 3rd
