Kids

For Wednesday One-Liners, Sexy Never Went Away

Teen boy: I really think that in Dracula the vampire dude is trying to bring the sexy back to England.

–F train

Overheard by: Mike N

Conductor: Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen, this is your conductor. It seems that many of you enjoy cramming into this train as if there is not another one directly behind us. But I understand, for I am a very sexy conductor, and everyone wants to be on my train. If you do, please stand clear of the doors. Thank you.

–6 train, 59th St

Overheard by: Katey

Girl: That was a sexy garbage can…

–Stuyvesant High School

Little boy in stroller: I’m bringing sexy back!

–Park Slope

Overheard by: sarah B

Wednesday One-Liners Keep Their iPods on and Their Eyes Focused on the Floor

Drunk Yankee fan: Oh, god. I need to get to Tarrytown, and there isn’t even a fucking steering wheel on the goddamn train!

–Train from Penn Station

Overheard by: tourist…

Automated female voice finishes announcing the stop.

Toddler: This is 23rd Street — Union Square! Transfers available to the S, L, N… The S! S, L, and N trains! Stand clear of the closing doors!

–6 train at 23rd St

Overheard by: vic

Woman to daughter: The Subway Lord might come through and kick you off.

–R train

Toddler quivering with fright: Oh, no, Mommy. Oh, no. Oh, dear… Oh, dear… Oh, dear. The train’s coming, Mommy. It’s coming. Oh, dear. Oh, no. Oh, no no no no no no! Mommy! It’s coming, Mommy! Oh, no, Mommy! Mommy! It’s coming. It’s coming! It’s coming, it’s coming! Ahhh!

–6 train station, 77th St

Overheard by: BJ

Black guy opening engineer’s door after 15 minutes of standstill: Yo, move this shit, or I’ll drive it myself!

–Canarsie-bound L train

Woman wedged into middle of packed car: Just another day in paradise.

–1 train, rush hour

Wednesday One-Liners Come under Fire from the FCC

Girl on cell: I have that freshly fucked feeling.

–The Gap, Bensonhurst

Lady on cell: Do you remember the guy who used to be in Grand Central all the time? The one with the doll… The doll he would fuck. He and the doll would do a fuck dance. He had it strapped to him at all times.

–Outside NYU dorm, E 14th St

Overheard by: college graduate

White trash gas station attendant: Life got a lot easier once I decided not to give a fuck.

–233rd St & Jerome Ave

Overheard by: Patrick Di Justo

Suit to another: Whatever, it’s New York. I’m expecting to get told ‘F-you’ like 17 times.

–LaGuardia airport

Overheard by: Raja

Ghetto girl licking fingers and lips after consuming hot dog: Mmm, girrrl… I fucked that hot dog up!

–Mercer and W. 4th

Dude: Ma… Ma, I only used the F-word once, Ma. I’m fucking serious here.

–44th & Broadway

Overheard by: Tourist from Canadia

Little boy shouting to friend across the street: I just learned how to say ‘Fuck’!

–Irving & Greene, Bushwick

Overheard by: Andy

Pity I’m Too Bohemian to Put My Foot Down

Son: I was so angry with him — he could have got me arrested!
Hippie dad: What’s wrong with getting arrested? [Sighs. Then, to himself] I just can’t stand my son being so fucking bourgeois any longer.

–West Village

People Have Sex on Those! Use the Walking Floors

Lady to kids: Which one of you walked on the fucking goddamn floor?!
Kid: Do you think we can fly, bitch? Of course we walked on the fucking floor!
Lady: I just fucking waxed the floor! Stop walking on the fucking floors!

–East Tremont, Bronx

Overheard by: Tydestra

Wednesday One-Liners Are the Alpha and the Omega

Columbia dude to Columbia chick: I’m trying to figure out what the hell God wants me to be. He either wants me to be a doctor or a lawyer — I can’t decide.

–Nussbaum and Wu Bakery and Cafe, 112th & Broadway

Five-year-old girl watching a dog go through airport security: Oh, please God, pleeease don’t let it die!

–JFK

Dude on cell: No, it’s okay, I understand. I’ll see you another time [hangs up]. Yes! I don’t have to go out tonight — his grandma died! There is a god! I’m going home to go to bed.

–Paragon Sports, 18th & Broadway

Overheard by: andrea

Woman: I don’t got no PhD — my degree is from God.

–19th & Broadway

How Awful If You Were Looking for Cameron Diaz!

Little girl pointing to a poster of The Phantom of the Opera: Look, Mommy! The Mask!
Mom: No, sweetheart, that’s The Phantom of the Opera. Mask is a movie with Cher.

–Trader Joe’s

Overheard by: Alyson Leigh

Wednesday One-Liners Before the Fall

Chick: …And then when the naked girl got in the balloon I was so scared I thought I would die!

–1 train

Overheard by: Michael Schiano

Dude: It’s like, as soon as you step into a room and take off your pants, all hell breaks loose!

–Allen & Stanton

Overheard by: Griffin

Dude: I swear, like, everyone on this block has seen me naked.

–Outside Rubin Hall, NYU

Overheard by: Josh

Little girl: Look! The nakeds! They’re naked!

–Greek sculpture wing, the Met

Chick on cell: I mean, if I’m going to send my friends footage of me doing topless jumping jacks, I want it to be remembered.

–Harlem

Suit on cell: You wanna know why we’re not friends anymore? Remember the last time you came to my house? I came out of the bathroom and there you were, stretched out on my sofa, naked, playing with your dick. What the fuck was that all about?

–City Hall Park

Overheard by: Big Larry

Doctor to patient: Sir, I am going to prescribe you two things — some burn cream for, well, you know, and some advice: try not to cook without your pants on.

–Beth Israel Hospital Emergency Room

It’s Why You Keep Losing Those Pageants

Little girl: I want Santa to get me a Bratz doll for Christmas!
Mother: Yeah? Which one?
Little girl: The one that looks like me.
Mother, mumbling: Honey, you don’t look like a five-dollar crack whore.
Little girl: What?
Mother: Nothing.

–Toys “R” Us, Times Square

Dad’s Putting Your Stuff on the Front Lawn As We Speak

Mom: How about this hat? Try this on.
Daughter: What? Ew, no, I’ll look like a homeless person!
Mom: You are homeless.

–Kmart, Astor Place

Overheard by: mia

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