Girl: …so I told him to suck his own dick if he thinks he can do it any better.
–G train
Overheard by: Ocera
Little boy: Mommy, mommy, do you have a penis?
–E train
Overheard by: Ting
JHS kid: …so I said, “He’s gonna make you stay after class and he’s gonna pull down your fucking pants and shove his fucking cock up your ass!”
–Times Square shuttle
Overheard by: Lizzy
Middle aged guy: So she makes six figures, she’s 40, and she lives at home with her mother?
Middle aged woman: Can you believe it? She has a son, too, but he lives on his own. Can you fucking believe that?
Middle aged guy: Jesus!
–2 train
Overheard by: Mike Sidoti
Little girl #1: My dad wants to write books but doesn’t.
Little girl #2: Why not?
Little girl #1: Well, he’s busy.
Little girl #2: Why doesn’t he just quit his job and start writing a book?
Little girl #1: I dunno…maybe because we won’t have any money?
Little girl #3: Ooh, then you could move to Vermont!
–F train
Schoolgirl: …then the teacher said “Silence”. Silence is just a fancy word for “Shut the fuck up”.
–Union Square station
Black mom: Spatula, I’ve got two words for you: be-have!
–6th Avenue salon
Boy, 8: Sorry, Dad. I had to stop because my peg-leg got stuck!
–Park Slope
Old woman: Did you see this play?
Old man: Yes.
Old woman: Well, do you know who the father of the baby is?
Old man: Well, I know it wasn’t me.
–59th & Park
A boy pulls Swedish fish, a king-size Twix, king-size Skittles, and a bottle of lemonade out of his pocket.
His friend sitting next to him says: This kid’s a fucking vending machine! You give him a quarter, he spits out gum!
–1 train
Boy, 10 #1: What’s credit? How do you get credit?
Boy, 10 #2: It’s like, you know when you take out a book with your library card? If you don’t return it like forever, then you get bad credit.
–6 train
Overheard by: bluesdog
Boy: Mom, can we buy these cookies?
Mom: No honey, we cannot.
Boy: Why? Because they have carbohyboraties in them? Mom, you’re scared of carbohyboraties, aren’t you?
–Gristede’s, UWS
Girl: Look! Cantaloupes! Mom! Look at the cantaloupes!
Mom: No dear, cantaloupes are a fruit. These are antelopes.
–Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: Sarah Glazer
Girl #1: He was a little too Spock and not enough Kirk.
Girl #2: What?
–F train
A son is moving a table into the back of the truck.
Mom: Be careful not to bend the legs when you push it in.
Son: That’s what she said.
Mom: What?
–30th and Lex
Overheard by: Tom
Mom: You know something? When I was a little girl, my family was so poor that we couldn’t even afford Christmas presents! We got fruit in our stocking and that was it, and we were lucky if we could get one birthday present–
Son, 6: But we have money!
–10th Street & 6th Avenue
