Old People

Wednesday One-Liners Pass on Their Wisdom

Old man to two-year old: Man, talking to you is like fucking talking to a brick wall.

–F train

Overheard by: trieze

Old man in power wheelchair: Move, motherfuckers, unless you want some rubber up yo’ ass.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Deniz G

Old guy: In the Boy Scouts they tell you to pray and… put your testicles on ice.

–W 58th & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Jon A.

Old lady: You turn around and say ‘Excuse me’ or I’ll punch your fucking face in!

–42nd St and 5th Ave

Old man: … And all these bikes keep running red lights. I just wish I had a big stick — I would shove it through their spokes!

–2nd Ave station

Old bitter woman to husband: I don’t understand sex.

–72nd & 2nd

Overheard by: imsorry

Ad: Old People, the Hot New Appetite Suppressant!

Old lady: Is your stomach still bothering you?
Waiter: No, but yesterday I wasn’t feeling well. It was probably something that I ate over the weekend.
Old lady: Speaking of yesterday, all I was doing was throwing up incessantly, and I just could not stop… And on top of that, I had diarrhea!

–Gracie’s Diner

Here’s Binky to Explain

Old lady with dog in stroller: I’ve met you before.
Old lady with three dogs on a leash: Oh, really? Where?
Old lady with dog in stroller: You were at the nail shop. You asked me about my unitard.

–Christopher & Bleecker

And Neither Will Thousands of YouTube Viewers

Older drunk, tightly hugging young guy: … And don’t think I’m gonna forget. When that happened, who gave me new underwears and washed my ass?
Younger guy, trying to get away: Man, just forget about that!
Older drunk: No! I’m not gonna forget about that!

–Greenpoint, Brooklyn

Oh, I Gotcha — See the Kid at the Loading Dock

Old lady: Do you sell cigarettes?
Clerk, in disbelief: Lady, this is a health food store.
Old lady: Okayyy, but do you sell the healthy kind? You know, the organic kind?

–House of Health, 71st & Lex

Overheard by: Jillcorp

The Bad News: My Breasts Got Squished Flat

Older woman to cashier: Well, I had one of those, one of those… ummm… X-rays? MRIs?
Hipster in line: Mammogram?
Older woman: That’s it! I don’t have the cancer.

–99 Cent Store, near Devoe

Overheard by: I love MRI pics

Then We Go to a Museum and I Try to Lose Them

Granny: I’m babysitting for my daughter’s kids next Thursday.
Friend: What? You just sat for them last Thursday!
Granny: No, no, — I couldn’t make it that time.
Friend: But still…
Granny: Well, she has a lot of doctors’ appointments lately. Anyway, I just take them out for lunch and give them French fries.

–Starbucks, 70th & Broadway

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Luckily The Lake House Has Sufficiently Lowered the Bar

Old lady to 20-somethings on stoop: I’m singing in the rain. I’m singing in the rain. With Jesus Christ as my friend, I’m happy again [walks away].
20-something guy: If I wrote a scene like that into a script, everyone would think I was trying too hard.

–Webster Hall

Well, Good Trying to Talk to You!

Old Turk #1: Hello!
Old Turk #2: How are you?
Old Turk #1: Where have I seen you before?
Old Turk #2: I don’t know!

–Kennedy International Airport

It’s Not the Safest Abortion, but It’s Discreet

Old black lady: She’s got to get her pregnant self right out of there. The two of them is cloak and dagger.
Old white friend: Yes.
Old black lady: They is just cloak and dagger.

–Doctor’s office, W 59th St

Overheard by: Susan V

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