Dude #1: So, she lied to her parents about what third world country she went to?
Dude #2: Yeah, I guess so.
Dude #1: Wait, where did she really go?
Dude #2: I don’t know — Thailand, Vietnam or Kenya… Somewhere with poor people.
Dude #1: Damn.
–A train
Thugette #1: One, two, three fish! One, two, three fish!
Thugette #2: No.
Thugette #1: Nigga! It’s one, two, three fish!
Thugette #2: No, it ain’t. It’s one fish…
Thugette #1: Nigga! Oh… Wait… You right.
Thugette #1 and #2 together: One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.
Thugette #2: Nigga I told you.
–Queens-bound M train
Overheard by: Sarah Booz
Guy #1: Dude, are you rolling on E, man? High five!
Guy #2, slowly with eyes closed: High five my face.
–F train
Overheard by: Jane
Thug #1: Yo, fuck them ‘Free Yayo’ t-shirt whack shits.
Thug #2: Them shits should say ‘Free Us from Yayo’ and on the back some ‘Whackness is a Crime’ shit. Cooold blooded! What ya’ll think?
Thug #3: Some of you niggas need to get t-shirts that say ‘Free Us from Illiteracy and Ignorance.’
–Bronx-bound 4 train
Overheard by: solar
Guy #1: So, which one is it? Which one — the one night stand one?
Guy #2: Yeah, the one night stand.
Guy #1: The one night stand is pregnant? What about the one after?
Guy #2: No, the one after isn’t pregnant… yet… I don’t think…
–1 train
Guy #1: It started getting weird when the monkey was playing bongos.
Guy #2: You’re over-thinking it.
Guy #1: You try not thinking about a monkey playing bongos!
Guy #2: Don’t yell.
–B train
Overheard by: innocent bystander
A lady tries to catch her balance on the moving subway by grabbing the handle of a stroller in the aisle.
Baby mama: Excuse me?! Why is yous touchin’ my fuckin’ stroller for?!
Grabby lady: Oh, I’m sorry.
Baby mama to her baby daddy: What the fuck?!
Dude nearby: That baby doesn’t have a chance.
–Manhattan-bound N train
Overheard by: Jared
Woman on cell: Well, we have a large problem — his thing is very small…
–Outside Papaya Dog, W 4th
Overheard by: notrob
Professor: So, you have all seen large penises and small penises, but you never see a fatty penis! [Class laughs.] Is that a ‘Yes, that is true’ laugh, or what?
–Columbia University Med Center
Female theater-goer: His penis would have been normal-sized if he was five-foot-six. As it was, everything was out of proportion.
–Golden Theater
Overheard by: Colleen
Drunk man with imaginary cup: Excuse me, sorry for doing this — I’m not shy, I just have a small penis, and I’d really appreciate some money for a penis enlargement surgery. And if not money, then a sandwich. A BLT or a larger cock. Thank you. I just want a larger cock.
–2 train
Overheard by: Man with the big penis
Thug #1: Damn, how come every time a nigga tries to ride the subway the damn cops got to search ‘im?
Thug #2: Um, I dunno, maybe ’cause every time you see a cop, you yell, ‘Oh, shit, the po-lice!’ Fuckin’ dumbass. That wasted 10 fuckin’ minutes! I’m not ridin’ the train wit’ you no more.
Thug #1: Hey, it ain’t my fault! I’m from the projects. That’s, like, what we do!
–4 train
Overheard by: Mike N
Hobo: Go shorty, it’s your birthday…
Drunk black woman, joining in: Yeah! Go, go!
Hobo: Shorty, it’s your shorty…
Drunk black woman: You singing it wrong. It’s, ‘We gonna party like it’s your birthday.’
Passerby gives hobo two dollars.
Drunk black woman: You need to give me half of that, I helped you out with the words.
–E train
Overheard by: Ruth
