Little boy hopping off bike: I’ve got to rest my penis, Daddy.
Mom: Shhh!
Dad: Good man.
Biking passerby: Whoa.
–Prospect Park
Overheard by: Luke Taylor Brown
Teen girl #1: I broke up with him because of his smegma. It was out of control.
Teen girl #2: What the fuck?
Teen girl #1: He had severe dick cheese.
Teen girl #2, loudly: Wait — so he had cheese growing on his dick?! Ewww!
Man next to them, laughing: Where are the crackers when you need ’em, eh?
–Roosevelt Ave station
Chick #1: Before I forget, I need to ask you a question. If I had a penis and a vagina, would you still be my friend?
Chick #2: First of all, I would give you my Coach fanny pack so it would cover your ball sack, and then I probably wouldn’t ever talk to you again.
–31st & 7th
Overheard by: Amy Beckerman
Guy #1: Have you done the naked yoga thing?
Guy #2: No, not yet.
Girl: I have to imagine that’s a little dangerous for a guy.
Guy #1: No, it’s okay. The cock pretty much knows where to go.
Girl: Not in my experience.
–19th & 3rd
Teen girl: And then it was like Mister T was there in the corner stroking his two foot cock!
–Bronx-bound 1 train
Conductor: The next stop is my dick.
–Bronx-bound 1 train
Overheard by: Nicole
Girl: I’ve seen one penis, like, a thousand times.
–St. Mark’s Pl, between 1st & 2nd
Lady: He’s got quite an impressive member. I was in a club when he unfurled it. I tripped on it. Never wearing those shoes again.
–Starbucks, Park Ave
Tourist mom to kids, pointing to Greek sculpture sans penis: Look at this one — he has testicles… but where’s his gizmo?
–The Met
Skinny queer, dancing: Man, dick is so hard to find here.
–The Cock, 2nd & 2nd
Overheard by: unfound dick
Thug: Anybody who grew up where I grew up knows there’s a million things you can do with a mothafuckin’ grape!
–23rd & 7th
Chick: Hey, plenty of people are murdered with vibrating bananas.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Ein Ladle
JAP: What happens if you actually eat a whole grapefruit?
–Whole Foods, Union Square
Overheard by: You’ll get FAT!
Suit: I’m totally unimpressed by cantaloupe as a fruit. It’s just taking the easy way out.
–Sotto Voce, Park Slope
Overheard by: Sweet Jimmy
Lady: I feel like I’m living in a banana.
–75th & Madison
Conductor: The E train to Queens — that’s E as in ‘apple’ — is running regularly.
–A train, 14th St
Teen girl to third graders: You was teachin’ ’em a banana looked like a dick!
–19th & 4th, Brooklyn
Hobo #1: Hillary is gay and Bill is a lesbian! She straps on a big one and gives it to him right in the ass! … Are you listening to me?
Hobo #2: Yeah. You said Hillary has a big one…
–Deli, 23rd & Lex
60-year-old lady: You have the hottest cock I’ve seen since Woodstock 1969.
24-year-old guy: Oh, yeah?
60-year-old lady: Did you know I banged Mick Jagger?
–88th & 2nd
Overheard by: MX
Boy looking at giant sculpture of newborn baby, frantic: Where’s the penis? Where’s the penis?! Where’s the penis?!
Younger sister, calmly: It’s a girl baby.
–Mueck exhibit, Brooklyn Museum
Overheard by: office peon waited for the Leibovitz
Hipster girl #1: Can you be emo with a big dick?
Hipster girl #2: No, I don’t think so. I’m pretty sure it has to be small for you to be emo.
Hipster girl #1: Sir! Excuse me, sir! Can I ask you a question? Can you be emo with a big dick or a small dick?
Passerby: Probably small.
Hipster girl #2: See?! I told you.
–Prince & Mercer
Overheard by: I guess I can’t be emo
