Penis

These Wednesday One-Liners Are Hard

Teen girl: And then it was like Mister T was there in the corner stroking his two foot cock!

–Bronx-bound 1 train

Conductor: The next stop is my dick.

–Bronx-bound 1 train

Overheard by: Nicole

Girl: I’ve seen one penis, like, a thousand times.

–St. Mark’s Pl, between 1st & 2nd

Lady: He’s got quite an impressive member. I was in a club when he unfurled it. I tripped on it. Never wearing those shoes again.

–Starbucks, Park Ave

Tourist mom to kids, pointing to Greek sculpture sans penis: Look at this one — he has testicles… but where’s his gizmo?

–The Met

Skinny queer, dancing: Man, dick is so hard to find here.

–The Cock, 2nd & 2nd

Overheard by: unfound dick

Wednesday One-Liners Off the Vine

Thug: Anybody who grew up where I grew up knows there’s a million things you can do with a mothafuckin’ grape!

–23rd & 7th

Chick: Hey, plenty of people are murdered with vibrating bananas.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ein Ladle

JAP: What happens if you actually eat a whole grapefruit?

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: You’ll get FAT!

Suit: I’m totally unimpressed by cantaloupe as a fruit. It’s just taking the easy way out.

–Sotto Voce, Park Slope

Overheard by: Sweet Jimmy

Lady: I feel like I’m living in a banana.

–75th & Madison

Conductor: The E train to Queens — that’s E as in ‘apple’ — is running regularly.

–A train, 14th St

Teen girl to third graders: You was teachin’ ’em a banana looked like a dick!

–19th & 4th, Brooklyn

Couldn’t We Have Just One Meal in Peace?

Hobo #1: Hillary is gay and Bill is a lesbian! She straps on a big one and gives it to him right in the ass! … Are you listening to me?
Hobo #2: Yeah. You said Hillary has a big one…

–Deli, 23rd & Lex

That Old Guy?

60-year-old lady: You have the hottest cock I’ve seen since Woodstock 1969.
24-year-old guy: Oh, yeah?
60-year-old lady: Did you know I banged Mick Jagger?

–88th & 2nd

Overheard by: MX

Still Think Castration Anxiety Is Freudian Nonsense?

Boy looking at giant sculpture of newborn baby, frantic: Where’s the penis? Where’s the penis?! Where’s the penis?!
Younger sister, calmly: It’s a girl baby.

–Mueck exhibit, Brooklyn Museum

Overheard by: office peon waited for the Leibovitz

Really, What Else Is There to Be Sad About?

Hipster girl #1: Can you be emo with a big dick?
Hipster girl #2: No, I don’t think so. I’m pretty sure it has to be small for you to be emo.
Hipster girl #1: Sir! Excuse me, sir! Can I ask you a question? Can you be emo with a big dick or a small dick?
Passerby: Probably small.
Hipster girl #2: See?! I told you.

–Prince & Mercer

Overheard by: I guess I can’t be emo

Let’s Review Those Photos Again

15-year-old girl #1 tapping cigarette box: I totally think that these make me look classy. A person with a box of cigarettes just looks classy.
15-year-old girl #2, giggling: Yeah, I don’t know what he’s talking about. Cigarettes look way better in a mouth than a penis.

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: Stereotype or caricature

If He Were, I’d Be Using a Different Tone of Voice

Student #1: I was riding the six train home and I felt something on my arm. I looked over and this guy was rubbing his penis on my arm! [Class gasps in horror.]Student #2: Well, was he cute?

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Never riding the 6 train again

Mental Note: Make This Girl Love Me

Chick #1: A guy’s penis size is directly proportional to how much you like them.
Chick #2: So true! When I really liked Josh I said it was kind of small. Now that I’m over him it’s practically a vagina.

–Starbucks, Morningside Heights

A Waiter Put It Back Using a Napkin and a Warm Spoon

Mother, scolding: And this is the same little boy who took out his penis in a nice restaurant.
Little boy: It was a wonderful restaurant!

–Garfield Pl, Park Slope

Overheard by: ruckerbry

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