Queer: Oh my god, he fucked me so hard last night.
Friend: Wait — how hard?
Queer: Like, he literally fucked the shit out of me. He, like, knocked my tooth out and then I swallowed it when I gave him head. And then the next day I had to shit out the tooth.
Friend: Oh my god.
–114th & Amsterdam
Queer: … And when you meet my mother, do not ask about her ear.
Boyfriend: Why not?
Queer: Just don’t. And drink vodka!
Boyfriend: Not whiskey?
Queer: And if she asks you to pet the dog, for the love of God, you pet the dog.
–C train station, 96th & Central Park West
Overheard by: What about the buttsex?
NYU girl: When you meet a straight guy can you please introduce him to me?
NYU queer: There’s, like, a waiting list for them.
–Rubin residence hall, NYU
Queer checking voice mail: Apparently my great aunt just died.
Friend: Oh, I’m so sorry.
Queer: Don’t be. She was a horrid, raging bitch.
Friend: Oh, well… then… ding dong!
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Jas
Hipster chick: So, it was pretty good, huh?
Queer: Oh my god. You don’t even know. He was so flexible that he could touch his ass to his head. Obviously, the sex was incredible.
Hipster chick: Cirque du so gay!
–60th & Park
Overheard by: Alex P.
Confused college student: My new cell phone is so ghetto. It lights up when it rings. It’s like a Las Vegas show. But I think the inside is nice. It’s like when you have a really crappy house, but it’s well-decorated. Like, on the interior…
Queer friend: Yeah, that’s how Koreans live.
–ArtePasta Restaurant, Greenwich Ave
Overheard by: Smarter College Student
Attendant lady: Excuse me, this is the ladies’ room.
Primping man: Oh! I’m just such a lady, sometimes I forget.
–Joe’s Pub
Guy: You know, I can never be in the Air Force.
Girl: Well, not really. There’s always the whole ‘Don’t tell’ thing.
Guy: But it’s on my record!
Girl: What? Did you have to file for your gay card or something?
Guy: … I meant because of my bad vision!
–Metro-North train
Queer on cell: Should I decorate my balls with diamonds?
Random passerby: Yeah!
–Broadway
Overheard by: K the Bomb
Queer: If I just go home and not to the gym tonight, I’ll just get fatter.
Fag hag: I thought you said you don’t have any food at your apartment.
Queer: Regardless — fat will find a way.
–E 59th & 5th
Overheard by: Joel
