Relationships

Wednesday One-Liners Are Always True to You in Their Fashion

Girl on cell: Well, how would Mom know what to do? Back in the old days a woman who slept with your husband never baked you a pie!

–5th Ave

Overheard by: at a loss

Guy: Man, I’ve been married two days and I want to cheat!

–W 4th St station

Overheard by: noseinabook

Chick on cell: Oh my god, now they’re fighting… Yes! She’s screaming at him in the middle of street! No, she has no idea we got back together… I don’t know, but it’s really creepy — it’s like she knew we’d be here this morning — she walked in like two minutes after we did… Oh my god, she’s coming in! Quick, get down here and make out with me so she thinks I’m a lesbian!

–Starbucks, Union Square

Overheard by: That works…

Guy at table: … And I’ve got my finger in another guy’s wife’s pussy, basically…

–Outside Starbucks, Cooper Union

Overheard by: Paul

Woman on cell: I apologize in advance, but you know I love you. And if you weren’t married, I’d be in love with you.

–35th & Lenox, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Rei

Middle-aged lady on cell: Okay, honey, bye-bye. I still love you even though you have a wife and kid.

–JetBlue flight, JFK runway

Wednesday One-Liners in Cat Eye Glasses

Hipster girl to hipster guy: … And it’s like, he cums on me and it’s like it doesn’t even mean anything!

–L train platform, Union Square

Overheard by: Ht-hrw

Hipster: You know, ‘bedbugs’ is just a classy name for crabs.

–7th & Ave A

Hipster: I better not be a virgin by the time I get home.

–14th St & Union Square South

Overheard by: Almost Tourist

Hipster girl: So, I took ecstasy yesterday, and I was playing a lot of flute.

–Outside The Slaughtered Lamb

Overheard by: bonzo

Hipster girl to friends: My mother thought I was a virgin until I told her that I’d had an abortion.

–120th & Amsterdam

Hipster: Well, I can’t help it if their tits shrivel up into tiny raisins!

–Montrose stop

Overheard by: big baby

Hipster chick: So, all my guy friends are really into her! There’s just something about her that really turns guys on, and it’s not just because she’s blind.

–Columbus Circle

I Need a Proposal That Comes in a Serious Park, or from a Non-Pedophile

Girl: I can’t believe you took me to Bryant Park to propose to me!
Boy: But I want to marry you!
Girl: And you got down on one knee and what did you expect me to say?
Boy: That you will marry me?
Girl: But I can’t marry you — you sleep with boys!

–B train, 42nd St

Neither of Us Wanted to Change

Chick: Whoa, you were married?
Guy: Yup. Six years.
Chick: What happened?
Guy: Ummm… We were too different.
Chick: Different how?
Guy: Well, I’m the kind of person who wanted to pay off all his med school bills and live abroad for a few years. She’s the kind of person who wanted to fuck other guys.
Chick: [Shocked.]Guy: Hey, you asked.

–F train, York St

So I Can Complain about His Spinelessness

Girl #1: I’m so bored in life. I’m thinking of getting a boy toy.
Girl #2: Well, what about Mark?
Girl #1: Things with him are too straightforward. I want someone I can manipulate.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Columbia Student

Little-Known Fact: Chelsea’s an Open Air Prison

Little girl: And I’ll be the mommy and you’ll be the daddy and she’ll be the baby!
Little boy: No, I want to be the mommy!
Little girl: Well, we can’t be gay, because that’s illegal in New York.
Nanny: Who told you that?!
Little girl: My mommy.

–Rite Aid, 14th & 6th

Overheard by: Monika

Romeo and Benvolio: The Lost Dialogue

Young thug #1: Man, you ain’t got no girl.
Young thug #2: I do, too, man.
Young thug #3: You mean that 13-year-old I saw with you the other day?
Young thug #2: She’s 16, man, and I just forgot her name.

–180th & 90th, Jamaica, Queens

Overheard by: Mehdi Hasan Sheikh

When She Gets Mad at One, I Trot Out Another

Male coworker: … And that’s how I lost all feeling in my fingers.
Female coworker: Man, that’s fucked up.
Male coworker: I am fucked up. I used to try and have four different personalities.
Female coworker: I remember that. You still doing that shit?
Male coworker: Only with my girlfriend.

–Starbucks

Overheard by: Jacqui

Anything in the Middle of Nowhere Counts As ‘Down South’

Haitian worker #1: Yo, no offense, but that’s what I don’t like about black girls.
Haitian worker #2: Yeah…
Haitian worker #1: You gotta find yourself a good white girl. And not just one from, like, Baltimore, ’cause they mad ghetto. You gotta find a good white girl from, like, Indianapolis, You know, down South.

–Gray’s Papaya, Chelsea

So We’re Going Out Next Friday

Girl #1: … And then I kicked him in the nuts. And, like, I drew blood.
Girl #2: Oh my god…
Girl #1: I know, right? So, I go to bed, and while I’m sleeping he writes ‘Best friends’ on my door… in blood.

–Barcade, Williamsburg

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