Relationships

Can’t She Just Obsessively View My Facebook Profile Like a Normal Ex?

Guy #1: Man, I don’t know what to do! I can’t get rid of my crazy ex! We’ve been broken up for almost a year now and I told her, ‘I don’t want to see you or speak to you any more,’ and she said, ‘I’m going to make your life miserable.’ Then she had the audacity to send my current girlfriend a message on Facebook saying, ‘We need to talk’ and asked my current girlfriend to call her. Then, a few weeks later, she shows up at my office. And just this week she send me a text saying, ‘I know we’re not speaking, but do you want to come out to dinner with me and meet my mom?’ What do I do?!
Guy #2: Oh my god, restraining order?!
Guy #1: And the sad part is that she has a dating column!
Guy #2: You mean she is giving other people dating advice?
Guy #1: Yup.

–Union Square

Technically, Walter Is Your Uncle

Five-year-old girl #1 on seesaw: Did you know that I have a boyfriend?
Five-year-old girl #2 on seesaw: No.
Five-year-old girl #1 on seesaw: Yes, I do. I have a boyfriend. He even kissed me on the lips, so he’s my boyfriend.

–Playground, Bleecker St

So It Was Either Change Careers or Stay Faithful

Dude: Are you sure this new guy you are seeing is the one?
Drunk girl: Definitely. I mean, we have been together since September, and I haven’t slept with another guy yet — that is huge for me! I already hooked up with all the bartenders, all the chefs, and all the sous chefs at my job.

–Yama, 17th & Irving Pl

Overheard by: kreeeeeeeeeesta

I Bought Last Time!

Girl: Don’t you feel bad?
Guy: About what?
Girl: For one, you’re in your girlfriend’s jeans, her jacket, her flats, and her fucking pearls. And second…
Guy: And second what?
Girl: You got fucked by three different guys in the two days she’s been out of town.
Guy: If I suck so much, why the fuck are we friends?
Girl: ‘Cause when she is out of town, I have my own little gay Barbie doll and fashion expert all in one. And it’s your turn to buy the manicures.

–72nd & 1st

Overheard by: Julie

Time to Rebrand Myself

Fat lady #1: I don’t know… I ain’t into all that freaky shit.
Fat lady #2: You just need to tell him you can’t be his nasty bitch no more.
Fat lady #1: I know that’s right, girl.

–6 train platform

Overheard by: Peter

I’m Glad I Aborted His Baby

Woman #1: He slept with Mary?
Woman #2: And to think that I was this close to falling in love with him.

–Starbucks, Times Square

I’m Not Gay, but I Don’t Much Like Men

Little sis: I don’t know. I’m just really confused. Like, how am I supposed to know what I want in a guy? You know? Like, what’s your perfect guy?
Big sis: One with 6 weeks to live.
Little sis: Huh?
Big sis: Nevermind… God, that would be great, though.

–1 train platform, 23rd St

Which Reminds Me — We Need to Shop for Staples

Yuppie: You know, that’s a very expensive beer you’re not drinking.
Girlfriend: Can’t we have one night where you don’t quote American Psycho?
Yuppie: Oh, he bought her Chardonnay. Don’t worry, I’m not a Chardonnay guy.
Girlfriend: Whatever. Just don’t nail-gun me in my sleep tonight. Again.

–Iggy’s on Rivington

If Superheroes Had Useful Powers

Ladies’ man: I can’t understand it. First it was Armenians, now it’s redheads. It’s this incredible power I can’t control.
Friend: I know, dude. You’re a lucky pimp.

–NYU Silver Center

Overheard by: Abram

We Both Know I’m Likeable, but Not Loveable

Man #1: Has she told you that she loves you yet?
Man #2: No… She’s much too intelligent for that.

–Unioin Square

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