Girlfriend: I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. I just keep falling asleep at the oddest times. I think I may be suffering from necrophilia.
Boyfriend: I sure hope you mean narcolepsy.
Girlfriend: Oh, yeah. I always get those confused.
Boyfriend: Well, as long as it’s only the definitions that you confuse and not the symptoms…
–Grand Central
Girl on cell: Yeah, I’m in New York City… Yeah, it’s on the East coast, but it’s not really on the East coast. It’s not, like, next to water or anything.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Beach Goer
Dude: My god. I mean, everyone knows Broadway and Fifth Avenue are the same thing, and the idiot says no.
–14th & 4th
Overheard by: girl in the red coat
High school boy: So let me ask you this — how easy is it to cross over from Egypt to Mexico?
–3 train
Overheard by: Nick H
School trip escapee teen to pal: Now we can do whatever we want… We’re in Times Square!
–Outside Penn Station, 7th Ave
Overheard by: Go back to Iowa
Tourist chick to friends: LaGuardia? How the fuck did we end up at the fucking airport?
–Houston, at LaGuardia
Drunk girl: We’re totally those 20-something assholes that are drunk on a Tuesday night.
Drunk friend: It’s Wednesday, you dumbass!
Sober friend: Um, it’s Thursday!
–14th & 5th, Park Slope
Station announcer: There is a Brooklyn-bound D-as-in-Double-U train approaching Broadway-Lafayette…
–Broadway-Lafayette platform
Man on cell: A is for fuckin’ apple!
–23rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Zarek
Child punching smaller sibling: A! B! C! D! E! F! G!
–6th Ave, between 8th & 9th St
Lady conductor: This is the Q train. That’s Q, as in ‘quickie…’ Which y’all better not be havin’ on my train!
–Q train to 57th St
Receptionist on phone: Is that Z as in ‘zebra,’ or Z as in ‘xylophone’?
–Doctor’s office, Queens Blvd
Overheard by: Heavy D
Fish guy: Yeah, my dad died of colon cancer in 2001.
Blonde: Oh, how’s he doing?
–Grocery store, Astoria
Overheard by: Dustin
Headline by: Mr. Gee
Runners-Up:
· “‘Great Listener’ Is On Her Resumee” – Denny
· “Decomposing Quite Nicely, Thank You for Asking” – RBNY
· “I’d Say His Condition Is Stable” – Tadzio
· “Rolling Over About Now” – Kaitlen
· “Rotting, No Doubt” – Katy
· “Well, Mom Won’t Share a Bed with Him Anymore.” – Cassie
· “Worst Pick-up, Best Blow-off” – halfknot
Brit: Hello, my HSBC debit card isn’t working at the ATM. The bank probably thinks there’s fraudulent activity since I’m in America and not in England.
Teller: Okay, I’ll check it out… I can’t seem to find your account, sir. What’s your social security number?
Brit: Huh?
Teller: Your social security number — do you not have one?
Brit: No…
Teller: Hmmm. Okay…
–HSBC, 40th & 5th
Overheard by: Rachel W.
Headline by: have SSS #, am real
Runners-Up:
· “…Then Please Sing the National Anthem.” – pbump
· “How About Your Penis Size, Then?” – Mikey G.
· “I’ve Contacted Homeland Security. Enjoy Syria.” – Daniel Patterson
· “Okay I Need You to Fill Out IRS Form W-7 and Apply for a Tax Id Number and Then Come Back to This Counter in 4-6 Months.” – Ty
Tourist #1: It was pretty cold, I remember… It was in January, right?
Tourist #2: It was September, you moron! September 11th!
–Ground Zero
Suit #1, looking down at subway tracks: Man, you’ve got like a foot and a half of empty space there! Come on, how much would you do it for?
Suit #2: Lie down under a train?!
Suit #1: Yeah, man!
Suit #2: One hundred dollars.
–6 train platform, Grand Central
Overheard by: Christine
Tourist dad with family, bumping into another tourist family: Excuse us! Thank you!
Other family’s tourist dad: Ugh! Rude New Yorkers!
Nearby cop, to both: You do realize you’re both tourists, right?
–48th & 5th
Overheard by: dan.j.w.
Southern woman pointing at rat on tracks: Look, it’s going to get run over! I’ve never seen a rat on the tracks before! [Pointing at holes in the track wall] Look, they made homes for the rats!
Local guy: Those are for ventilation.
–14th St station
Overheard by: Jennifer
