Student: You’re Jewish?
Professor: Yes.
Student: Where’s your hat?
Professor: What?
Student: Why do you guys all wear glasses?
–FIT
Student: You’re Jewish?
Professor: Yes.
Student: Where’s your hat?
Professor: What?
Student: Why do you guys all wear glasses?
–FIT
NYU student: I feel like the professor didn’t scare me enough about the final exam y’know? So then, like, I didn’t get nervous enough, so then I didn’t study enough, so then I didn’t do well on it, y’know? So, like, it’s really my professor’s fault, y’know?
–Korean deli, 13th St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Joseph O’Connell
Cop: Yeah, the open-book exam? I passed it on appeal.
–45th & Broadway
Guy on cell: … Fucked me, dude. Fucked me hard. Bent me over the desk and rammed a bluebook right up my ass. Sooo fuckin’ hard…
–Union Square
Guy: I should have studied for this final… But the tequila was so good!
–NYU Silver Center
Student to professor during final: Do you want us to use our intelligence or follow the instructions?
–Columbia University
Negligent mom: He’s a little boy — that’s what he’s supposed to do! They have penises so they can wave them around!
–Danice, 125th & 8th
Overheard by: Tammy Scumbag
Guy: You think I don’t have one? You think I don’t have one?! I will flash everyone on this train!
–6 train
Black man to girlfriend: Why you tellin’ everybody ’bout mah dick for? Oh, you sad now? Well, stop tellin’ everybody ’bout mah dick!
–Staten Island
Overheard by: Against Marj
Little kid waiting to cross street: Owww, my wiener!
–Times Square
Overheard by: Sandy
Queer: Rocky got hard during ‘Touch me, touch me’ because Janet would rub all over him and he was straight… And in those little yellow shorts you could see his penis grow like a torpedo.
–1 train
Overheard by: Smirking Minnesotan
Professor, about ancient Greek theater: Lots of padding, lots of masks, lots of… phalluses.
–Columbia University
Professor pointing at a slide of Andy Warhol’s Elvis and one of a giant mountain: Can anyone tell me what the similarities and differences of these two images are?
Student #1: The Warhol print is completely commercial, while the mountain is very natural.
Professor: Yes, that’s one way to see them. Anyone else?
Student #2: One’s a big rock, and one’s the king of rock.
Professor: I think we can all go home now.
–NYU
Overheard by: Addison
Teacher: Where was the Battle of Saratoga fought?
Student #1: South America?
Student #2: No, you idiot, it’s in Russia!
–NYC High School
Columbia student: The Third Reich makes me sad.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: McFreaky
Two girls dressed as Marie Antoinette stop to pose for photos.
Effeminate Louis XVI: I say, let them have bush — I’ll eat the cake!
–Houston & 6th Ave
Professor: Sometimes there’s even a box, and the box will have Harriet Tubman in it.
–Silver Center, Washington Square
Crazy guy: Abraham Lincoln is gay! That’s right, gay! Come on, now, I read the papers! You think I don’t read the papers?!
–6 train
Man on cell: I will go down as the biggest fatherfucker in history.
–Wall St & Broadway
Professor: I’ve heard from students that have taken my exams that they’re generally considered thinking exams. Rather than just have you recite the law, I try to throw questions in there that will make you examine the policies behind it… Yes?
Law student: What would you say the ratio of thinking questions to normal questions is going to be?
Professor: Hmmm… Really, I don’t know if I can answer that. I mean, what to one person would be a thinking-type question, to another might not be, you know? [Same student raises hand again.] Usually I’m reluctant to let a person who asks a question like that ask another question, so let me ask you first — how many of your questions are thinking-type questions?
–Benjamin N. Cardozo School of Law
Teacher: So in Christianity, if you’re good, what do you get when you die?
Ghetto girl #1: Money?
Teacher: No.
Ghetto girl #2: You get to go to heaven.
Teacher: Yes!
Ghetto girl #1: What? Is that a true story?
Ghetto girl #2: No, Tashanda,* that’s religion.
–New Design High School
Overheard by: god
Professor: JRR Tolkien wrote an article on Beowulf defending its value as a work of literature.
Female student: Didn’t he write Beowulf, though?
–Fordham University, Rose Hill
Teacher: When did slavery end?
Student: Didn’t it end in like, 1970, when Martin Luther King freed all the blacks?
–Berkeley Carroll School, Park Slope
