Teen boy #1, pointing to a bush: That’s where we peed last time.
Teen boy #2: Really?
–Central Park
Teen boy #1, pointing to a bush: That’s where we peed last time.
Teen boy #2: Really?
–Central Park
Teen #1: Hey, since, like, they keep putting cement and buildings and stuff on the Earth, won’t it just keep gettin’ heavier and, like, explode?
Teen #2: You know what? I never thought about that!
–Grand Central
Teen girl #1: So, last night we were talking, and he still wants to put it in my ass… Like, how could I be with someone who only thinks about shoving his thing up my ass?
Teen girl #2: So what are you gonna do?
Teen girl #1: I don’t know! Help me!
Teen girl #2, puzzled: I thought you love anal sex?
Teen girl #1: Oh, yeah.
–S79 bus
Overheard by: rob l
Teen girl #1: I broke up with him because of his smegma. It was out of control.
Teen girl #2: What the fuck?
Teen girl #1: He had severe dick cheese.
Teen girl #2, loudly: Wait — so he had cheese growing on his dick?! Ewww!
Man next to them, laughing: Where are the crackers when you need ’em, eh?
–Roosevelt Ave station
Hobo: Yo! Where you girls from?
White teen girl: Your mom.
Hobo: Whoa, nigga, that’s crazy.
–Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Cface
British lady: It must have eaten some rat poison, because it vomited up its innards and then had just enough strength left to crawl to the door before dying in a dainty pool of blood.
–1 train
Teacher to girl who just cut herself with Exacto knife: Would you stop leaking?! Your blood is going to stain the linoleum!
–Bronx Science engineering class
Overheard by: LSB
Suit on cell: Why isn’t it done? Why isn’t it fucking done? Was it your intention to make my ass bleed today? Was it?
–41st & Broadway
Girl: My grandma always washes my bloody underwear.
–1 train
Guy to girlfriend: Your hair tastes like fake blood.
–Mulberry St
Overheard by: Ashley
Teen chick on cell: I’m going to cut my arm tonight to show you how much I love you! Yes! I’m going to cut it off! Yes! I’m going to wipe all the blood on a napkin and give it to you. How much blood there is is how much I love you… Yes! I! Am! Well, I can’t think of another way to show you how much I love you. I have to prove it somehow! Oh, I have another call, I gotta go.
–Staten Island Ferry Terminal
Overheard by: still recovering
Hobo, taking long drink from water fountain: Ahhh, water is good! It tastes like blood!
–Port Authority
Overheard by: Oh My God
Teen girl: Did you know it’s not Brooklyn-Queens Day anymore? Now all of the city gets off from school.
Little brother: It’s because the other boroughs got jealous.
–Alley Pond Park, Queens
Overheard by: Rebecca
Teen thug #1: You met her in rehab? Son, you was only there three days…!
Teen thug #2: Yo, but check this out — she’s 35!
Teen thug #1: Son, she gonna drop yo’ ass when she finds out how old you are!
Teen thug #2: I already told her.
Teen thug #1, after long pause: Shit, then she a pedophile, son!
–F train
Overheard by: Missin the city
Tourist teen with new Uggs: Ma, can I wear these out of the store? Please?
Tourist mom: Are you fucking insane? Do you want them to be black in this filthy place? I just paid a hundred and fifty bucks for those. Take your feet out of them and don’t stick them back in until we get back to Michigan.
–David Z, 5th Ave
Overheard by: nicole h.
Teen boy in suit: Wow, look at that cute girl!
Teen boy with rolling book bag: Oh, yeah… I’d like to walk next to that.
–Citibank, Forest Hills
Headline by: Trey
Runners-Up:
· “And then I’d hold the fuck out of her hand” – NJgal
· “Chicks dig my sweet wheels” – Marissa
· “I Would Awkwardly Avoid Eye Contact with That Like A Motherfucker” – Leland
· “I’d Carry Her Books So Hard” – Barry P.
· “I’d stick my pen in that pocket protector!” – wannabenyc
