Teen girl #1: So, my friend’s dad died. I feel like I should send her something — y’know, just to make her feel better. Only I don’t know her so well, so I’m not sure what to get her. Chocolate, maybe?
Teen girl #2: I dunno. Chocolate doesn’t sound like such a good idea. When people are depressed they buy chocolate and eat way too much of it and get really fat.
Teen girl #1: Ummm, I don’t think that’s really true.
Teen girl #2: … I can attest to it.
–Metro-North
Overheard by: sugarnspice
Teen girl #1: Mmm, let’s get ice cream!
Teen girl #2: Shut up, fatty!
–86th & Broadway
Overheard by: shanaomi
Teen girl: So, do you love me or what?
Teen guy: Fuck you, fine. I guess I do love you… But I love my girlfriend, too.
Teen girl: What?!
Teen guy: Yeah, but for some reason I love your dumb ass more.
Teen girl: [Swoons.]
–1 train
Teen: Oh my god! You’re sooo cool.
12-year-old ghetto kid, throwing snappers at him: Fuck you, cracka!
–President St, Park Slope
Overheard by: Lucian
Teenage girl: I want to be cremated into a diamond. Or…oh! A pearl!
Boyfriend: What, you want your family to put your ashes in a clam shell and hope for the best? Good luck with that!
–F Train
Overheard by: Should Ride the F More Often
Teen guy #1: I’m totally gonna dump Christine.
Teen guy #2: No way! She’s awesome-hot! What did she do?
Teen guy #1: Yesterday she asked me why chicken breasts don’t have nipples.
Teen guy #2: That’s nothing! Why are you gonna dump her over… Oh… She probably doesn’t know about your dud nipple.
Teen guy #1: Dude! Don’t call it that!
–Lincoln Center
Overheard by: eating
Conductor: Dyckman Street’s next.
Teen boy who kicked down the door of the back car and got on the intercom: Yeah, motherfucker! Dyckman Street’s next, nigga!
–1 train near 191st
Overheard by: vegannramember
Teen girl #1: Yo, how is learning how to make 3d shapes and stuff gonna help us become doctors? I joined Brooklyn Tech gateway to take AP classes, go to a good college, and be rich in life. Whoopy-de-do, I know how to create a 3d table! My life is mad cool now!
Teen girl #2: Word. Dis is bullshit, but hey at least we smarta dan dem otha bitches.
Teen girl #1 True dat, true dat.
–14th & 5th
Teen girl #1: Damn, I’m so glad I went out with you and not your
brother.
Teen girl #2: Aw baby, me too.
Teen girl #1: I mean, you have like three times the personality and
ten times the looks.
Teen girl #2: Oh yeah, I know!
–Starbucks, 6th & Waverly
Teen girl, despairingly: If they ever find out a way to bring people back to life, I’m going to kill myself!
–14th St Subway Platform
Overheard by: yoncto
Blonde on cell: Don’t send me stupid things about how you want to stab yourself in the heart. It’s inconsiderate.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Hipster: I’m so stressed out right now; if I was going to NYU, I would’ve jumped out of a building.
–City College
Overheard by: Damn Right!
Guy on cell: You took them with alcohol? [Pause.] Wait, let me get this straight, you took all of them, then you got drunk? Yeah dude, that is just suicide.
–Elevator, Saks Fifth Ave
Old waitress: Were you here the time Jimmy crucified himself?
–Manhattan Restaurant, Greenpoint
Overheard by: chris
Disgruntled Latina to friend: And I told her bitch: "Kill yourself, you don’t even know how to smoke right!"
–4 Train
