Teens

Old Jewess: That Suzanne Somers has some nerve. She is writing another diet book. I have a friend who has read all her diet books and every year she gets fatter and fatter.

–Music Box theatre, West 45th Street

Fratboy: She was like an ugly Paris Hilton, but not rich.

–C train

Overheard by: nicolette

Guy: I’m gonna beat you like an Olsen twin.

–68th & Columbus

Overheard by: Andrew Zar

Teen boy: Yo, I heard that Tupac was named after a Jewish holiday.

–Red Hook

Guy: Yeah, you know, that’s the great thing about the Kennedys: they get $1 off of every bottle of Scotch that they buy. You know, because their dad was a bootlegger and all.

–52 & Lexington

Teen girl #1: He called me a female dog.
Teen girl #2: Oh.
Teen girl #1: Then I set him on fire, and he was like, “Okay.”

–Forest Hills

Teen boy: Yo, I’m here selling candy today. And, no, it’s not what you think. It’s not for no school club or no fundraiser. I’m here selling you candy so that I can stay off the streets and make some money. It keeps me honest.
Woman: Why wouldn’t you lie and say it was for school?

–A train

Overheard by: Keith Layton

Flutetard: Does anyone have any requests?
Teen boy: You know Attack of the Bumblebees?
Flutetard: Uh? Attack of the Bumblebees? Yes. No. You mean Flight of the Bumblebee?
Teen boy: Yeah.
Flutetard: No, I need the sheet music. It’s Russian.

–outside Delacorte Theater, Central Park

Overheard by: Damian Kelly

Teen boy #1: He has 3 taps in his shower. One cold water, another hot, and one for mustard.
Teen boy #2: I like mustard.
Teen boy #1: In the shower?

–Q43 bus

Overheard by: Sucka MC

Teen girl: This one’s kind of cross-eyed.
Teen guy: They’re porn star action figures. What do you want?
Teen girl: I want them to be just as hot as the real thing…and I want them to be glistening.

–Kim’s Video, St. Mark’s Place

Teen boy #1: When I get drunk and high, I get angry. When I get drunk, I get loud. When I get high, I get tired.
Teen boy #2: I can’t believe you expect me to dignify that with a response.
Teen boy #1: I don’t.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Shannon Bowman-Sarkisian

Alt girl: So his second cousin is also his dad. That’s fucking mashed up.

–Times Square

Teen girl: You sure it’s his, right? He didn’t take his cock out or nuthin’?

–Laundry room, 108th & 2nd

Overheard by: CK Allen

Chick: Yeah, so I’ve been making out with my stepcousin lately.

–Coney Island

Overheard by: Kam Truhn

Woman: Oh my god, I love my cat. My cat is my reason for living. My cat is like a dog, only in cat form…

–34th & 8th

Hawker guy: AM New York! The rooster of newspapers! Find out why I’m a cock-a-doodle-do-ing!

–42nd & Lexington

Suit on cell: I can’t wait to get back to Boston. This town is like an elephant graveyard for my exes. Yeah, instead of elephants, all my exes come here to rest.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Matt Murdock

Girl: I hit a firefly driving up there and my windshield was all gooey, slimy and shiny…so I thought of you.

–Washington Square

Queer: Ohmigod, I thought that was the ugliest baby in the world, but it’s a bulldog.

–West 4th & Cornelia

Overheard by: Raphael

Girl: I’ve never been pooped on. At least not by a bird.

–71st & 1st

Guy: …yes, I’m going to put that in my octopus.

–St. Mark’s Place

Overheard by: Jenny + Pete

Girl: Whoa, it smells like hamster piss right here.

–1st & 1st

Teen boy: Man, next time I see him, it’s over. I’ll throw worms on his ass if I have to.

–Fordham Road

Crazy guy: Want to see my website? It’ll cost you. Want to see it? $100. Naw, you don’t have that sort of money. I need to jazz it up. It has pictures of dead animals on it.

–D train

Overheard by: Taybin Rutkin

Teen girl: Oh, this is our stop!
Teen boy: Well, it would be if we were on the right train!
Teen girl: If you don’t like it, you can just stop following us.

–1 train

Overheard by: Rachel Rappaport