Small boy: It’s fire!
His mother: That is your umbrella. It is not a sword or weapon of any kind.
Small boy: It’s underpants!

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Conductor: Mind the gap, doors closing. (train does not move) Those naughty, naughty doors.


Overheard by: ren

Conductor: Everybody please be patient, we have an obstruction on the tracks. Police are working to clear it, we will continue as soon as they finish.
Young suit: We're in a 55-ton battering ram, why did we even stop?

MAX Rail
Portland, Oregon

Overheard by: Ram Das

New Yorker, on cell to fiancée: Honey, all set here for our wedding, when you coming over? I got both of our rings, in nine-carat gold! (appalled silence in carriage) Yeah, your finger's gonna go green and fall off or something? What the hell's wrong with nine-carat gold? Hey! Of course I love you more than I love my mom! Come on! What is this about?


20-something girl #1: So she's dating him and has spent the night at his place, but he's still in the middle of a divorce.
20-something girl #2: …and she doesn't know his last name?
20-something girl #1: Yep.
20-something girl #2: And he's her boss.
20-something girl #1: Yep. I told her to google him or look at his business card.
20-something girl #2: I don't understand any of this. I've never googled myself, actually. Have you?
20-something girl #1: Yeah, you should try it! It makes you feel famous.
20-something girl #2, to herself: All that came up when I did it was porn.

Northbound Caltrain
San Francisco, California

Overheard by: A Cheek

Girl on phone: He says that we can't be together because it bothers him that we're cousins, and we were intimate. I think it's because doctors are more sensitive to that kind of thing than the rest of us.

Train, New Jersey

Overheard by: NoNoK

30-something druggie girl: I know my dad's looking down at me, helping me and shit. That's how I got my handbag back.
30-something druggie guy: Yeah? For fuckin serious?
30-something druggie girl: Yeah! I feel like he's telling me shit sometimes. Sometimes I reckon he wants me to stop taking the pills and the smack, but then I'm like, “Nah, that's just the drugs talking.”


Overheard by: XPIOTOS

Loud woman on cell: I mean I know he was seriously injured–he had a few fractures and sprains and he hurt his neck and back… But hey, that's what you get when you take too many shots and fall backwards down a flight of stairs because you tripped over your neighbor's dog… I'm so glad we won this case!

MBTA Train
Boston, Massachusetts

Overheard by: Sarah

Gossip girl #1: Oh my god! Did I tell you that I got accepted for my exchange to Paris next year? I'm going second semester.
Gossip girl #2: Oh my god! That's amazing!
Gossip girl #1: Yeah, I'm really excited.
Gossip girl #2: That's so exciting!
Gossip girl #1: Yeah, it's gonna be amazing.
Gossip girl #2: That is so amazing.
Gossip girl #1: Yeah, I'm super excited!
Gossip girl #2: That is just so exciting!

VIA Train
Montreal to Toronto

Overheard by: The zoe

30-something white lady: I just shove it down my pants. But it's not beer, it's Captain Morgan!

BART Escalator
San Francisco, California

Overheard by: Hott Bi Luv