Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners File Jointly

Man in Rangers shirt: … And that’s when we realized that she married Satan.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: rosemary’s baby

Homeless guy yelling at everyone: Paul McCartney, you so rich, why you marry a woman with one leg? You could buy yourself one with two legs easily. Easily, dammit.

–E/V station, 53rd & 5th

Professor: Marriage is a state institution. It’s not a voluntary love-fest.

–Silver Center, Washington Square

Balding suit on cell: No, no, it was a phase… And I would know, right? No, I’m telling you, he’s just confused… He’s a kid! And anyway, he’s married now… No, he’ll be fine.

–Citarella, W 9th St

Dude: Sitting here eating these Nerds is the best day of my life, ever. Well, this and my wedding day.

–Landmark Sunshine Cinema, Houston St

Overheard by: Russ Wall

Wednesday One-Liners Get Around

Girl on cell: It doesn’t matter how many people I’ve had sex with…If I can remember each of their names, then it isn’t a lot.

–32nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Tommy

Girl on cell: You had a threesome with the mayor of what?

–144th & Broadway

Overheard by: McFreaky

NYU boy: Pear applesauce, strawberry applesauce, banana applesauce. God, it’s like the apples did every other fruit in the garden!

–Food Emporium, Union Square

Dude: And after the party, everyone gets innoculated and takes the morning after pill.

–Taj Mahal, 6th St between 1st & 2nd

Overheard by: lish

Woman: The problem is that men are paradoxically both a reason to be celibate and to have large amounts of sex.

–140th & Broadway

A Silken Swirl of Wednesday One-Liners

Yelling guy: Why did you swallow?! Laura, why did you swallow?! Why did you swallow?! Laura, why did you swallow?!

–12th & Ave A

Overheard by: Johnny Twisto

Guy on cell: Are you going to give me some fellatio? Chicka-chicka-bow-bow. Some felaysh, hm?

–66th & 1st

Overheard by: misplacedpom

Woman on cell: She can’t suck dick to save her life!

–51st & 5th

High maintenance lady to male friend: So he said to me, ‘Let me get a blow job,’ and so I said to him, ‘Not until I get a boob job!’

–39th & 6th

Chick: So, he comes back to my place and I gave him a blow job. Then in the morning he was gone, but he left $22.50 on the table. Is that weird?

–Brooklyn

Wednesday One-Liners Do Their Little Turn on the Catwalk

Woman on cell, wearing fuchsia catsuit and clutching stuffed parrot: I’m on the corner of Broadway and 69th in a ridiculous outfit.

–69th & Broadway

Buff guy: You know what they used to call me in jail? “Harry the Robe,” because I wore this beautiful white robe after I took showers.

–Madison Ave

Overheard by: gina

Girl on cell: I swear, if I have my underwear on inside out today I am just going to snap.

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: Amused listener

Preppy guy: Is there a philosopher named Kenneth Cole? Because there is this huge billboard with his quote on it.

–Sugar Sweet Sunshine, Rivington between Norfolk & Essex

Guy in black cape and Batman-type mask: No one ever fucks with me when I go out at night rocking this outfit.

–Franklin & Greenpoint, Brooklyn

Overheard by: lil pirate

Girl: Do they even have Prada in Boston? They just have baked beans and Benjamin Franklin, and he’s dead.

–Stanton & Orchard

Girl, walking behind another girl who’s wearing a pink tutu, white stockings, and a tiara: Let her walk alone wearing this on her birthday.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Not Wearing a Tutu

Dr. Frankenstein’s Wednesday One-Liners

Dude: Yeah, so I gotta get my intestine.

–96th & Broadway

Overheard by: Already Got One

Man on cell: My left testicle’s on 57th Street, my leg’s on 58th Street, and my nose is falling off!

–57th & 5th

Overheard by: Megan

Lady to friend: She’s a wimp even though she ain’t got no legs.

–43rd & 8th

Overheard by: snayl

Bimbette: Like, I totally starting choking. Something got stuck in my coccyx. It was bad.

–College Walk, Columbia University

Overheard by: DD

Gangsta on cell: I got a strong tongue. Any mood you in, I can fix.

–E Houston & Orchard

Crazy old man, pointing and yelling at little kid: Your skin is on backwards! Don’t be naive!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: tj

How Are His Prices? Are They Sane?

Woman #1: He’s crazy.
Woman #2: No, no, no. See, when you say “crazy” I’m thinkin’ crazy, like smashing-car-windows crazy.

–Atlantic Center

Chick #1: I know he’s crazy.
Chick #2: Right, so you should be able to be like, “He’s crazy”, and
leave him.
Chick #1: But I’m used to his level of craziness.

–47th & Madison

Wednesday One-liners Lead the Market

Suit: The thing about sales is that you’re nothing but a paid liar.

–44th & Lexington

Girl on cell: Really? Three and a half hours? I don’t think so. The ad says after four hours you need to worry.

–Nassau & Liberty

Old woman: There’s this green tea thing now…Starbucks started it…supposedly it’s really good for you.

–Starbucks, Times Square

Girl: I am, like, having an affair with my iPod.

–Sullivan & Bleecker

Man: I want the strongest coffee you have. With caffeine. Please.

–Starbucks, 78th & Lexington

Overheard by: Joshua S.

Queer: Allison, did you buy that bra so that the straps would match your shopping bag?

–2nd Avenue & 5th Street

Wednesday One-Liners Have Great Personalities

Guy smoking with his buddy, disgusted: Do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and go, ‘Oh my god, I can’t believe someone is attracted to me’?

–44th & 7th

Overheard by: Michelle

Street vendor, as homely Brazilian chicks pass: You are a disgrace to the country of Brazil! Ugly!

–46th & 6th

Man on cell: Eh, she was kinda lizardy-looking…

–14th & Broadway

Overheard by: sean

Smoking street vendor chick to friends: I mean, if you’re going to be ugly, at least be articulate.

–N 6th & Bedford

Girl to another: I mean, I think he is attractive, but it took me a while to think that.

–St. Mark’s & 3rd

Wednesday One-Liners Make Way for the Mammals

20-something dude to girl exiting train: Well, good luck with the pterodactyl!

–N train, Broadway stop, Astoria

Overheard by: Dinosaywhat?

Mother to teen daughter: It would be a fetusaurus!

–E 8th St, between 6th & Broadway

Overheard by: Wondering if she means "an abortion"

Thug wannabe: So, it was like a dinosaur, but it had an ass.

–Manhattan-bound 7 train

Overheard by: Kevp

Little boy: You know what I wish? I wish there were no more zebras… or dinosaurs.

–Museum of Natural History

Teen boy to kid brother: You know why the dinosaurs died out? ‘Cause you touch yourself at night!

–14th St, Park Slope

Overheard by: Stella

Wednesday One-liners Heart Mom

JHS kid: Man, your mother’s so ugly, she’s only been married once.

–Boerum Hill

Baby carriage woman on cell: …and then I had to have 7 stitches on my labia…

–19th between 5th & 6th

Girl: So I’m like, “How are you going to call me a bitch in front of my grandma? What the fuck is that, Mom?”

–NYU Brittany Hall elevator

Overheard by: Andrei Alupului

Man: Oh yeah, so her mother was this great shopper. See what she would do is she would find something nice for 10 bucks and she’d cut off all the buttons and then she’d go to the return department…

–H&H Bagels, Broadway & 80th

Overheard by: Sophia

Girl: His mom called me up so drunk at 1 in the morning today, but somehow I really wasn’t that surprised.

–Juilliard cafeteria

Drunk girl: He was always trying to make out with Mom, and I was like, “Jeez, give somebody else a turn…”

–Union Pool, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Joe

Chick: So my mother sits me down and goes, “I met these two girls who were former Miss Vermonts.” Anyways, she thought I should be the next Miss Vermont. Something about scholarships to school. And I’m like, well, we don’t even live in Vermont…

–N train

Woman on cell: If I had $35 million, Mother, then I would buy a car and drive home!

–13th & 4th

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