Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Send Up a Flare

Old lady on cell: Hello? Hello? Yes! I’m here! In Brooklyn!

–Broadway & Fulton

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

Wigger on cell: Yo, Roove, I’m at Pimp Station.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

Dude on cell: Hey, I’m in New York City. Do you know of any ATMs around New York?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: The Doifter

Girl on cell: Hi, can you hear me? I’m in New York. Yeah, I’m at Macy’s.

–H&M, 34th St

Woman on cell: You’re in the park near the benches? There are tons of benches… That’s like saying you’re in Detroit and you’re near the drugs and violence.

–Washington Square Park

Lady on cell: Uh, yeah… I think I’m in the Empire State Building.

–Observation deck, Empire State Building

Middle-aged woman on cell, picking up after her dog: Actually, I’m in Palm Springs at the moment — I’ll be here for another week.

–Mercer & Spring

Overheard by: Wish I were in Palm Springs

Love is Strange, Wednesday One-liners

Guy on cell: …and she says, “If you cheat on me, you’ll die, and go to hell and burn.” So I say, “There’s no way I’m going to hell for a bitch. Cause there’s too many of them!”

–Lafayette & Fulton, Brooklyn

Construction worker: Yeah man, I just raw dogged her and ditched!

–Grand & Ludlow

Man on cell: How’s the birthday?…Yeah, big 5-0 for me….Well, I ditched the wife, make more money, and have a 33 year old girlfriend. That’s 50 for ya.

–N train

Overheard by: Doug Gaeta

Guy: Is that her panties or his sock he’s sniffing?

–Mary Boone Gallery, W. 24th Street

Overheard by: Captive 411

Bike girl on cell: Hey, this is Tammy. Yet again you were in my dream. It involved fucking. Call me back.

–Prospect Park

Hipster: Nothing says “I love you” like a cactus.

–52nd & 9th

Overheard by: kath williams

She’s Trying to Tell You Something, Wednesday One-liners

Girl: If you ever make me sleep in an ATM vestibule again, I am so dumping you.

–Grand Central

Woman on cell: Yeah, sure, go ahead and break my heart, but don’t keep my CDs.

–3rd & A

Overheard by: Kira

Crying woman on cell: No, I don’t want to do it with you. I just want the money!

–66th & Columbus

Overheard by: Charlie

Chick on cell: Yeah, I was there like you said but he wasn’t there. You said he’d be there!…Well, fuck you too! I’m going to kill you when I get home you motherfuckin’ bastard! You better say goodbye to your balls!…What?…Yeah. Sure. I’m up for some Chinese later…Bye baby…I love you too, pumpkin.

–Canal & West Broadway

Cashier guy: I told you I have a girlfriend, that’s why my face is all scratched up.”

–Home Depot, 59th Street

Wednesday One-Liners Are Coming to Dinner

Guy on cell: I eat ass like a champion.

–Havemeyer & S 1st St, Williamsburg

Overheard by: EA

Scary old guy to pretty woman: Oooh, girl, you look so fine. Tell your husband I want to bite your kneecaps off.

–West Village

Lady on cell: Yeah, I’m really hungry, too. I could really eat some nice wallpaper right about now.

–83rd & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Debbie

Woman: I’d rather eat homeless person’s cum than ever eat plain yogurt again.

–Clinton & Stanton

Creepy guy: Let me put it this way: I might not be compelled to eat a puppy, but I just might eat a baby. There’s just something unattractive about them.

–Bus to Penn Station

Mother to screaming child: If you don’t stop crying I am going to eat you!

–100th & Broadway

Overheard by: briana

Bouncer to girl showing ID: You’re so beautiful. I wanna put you on a pedestal… and eat your ass.

–West Village

Overheard by: RBNY

NYers on the Issues: Hunks

Chick: I love his mole. It’s like Matt Damon…he has a mole.

–Starbucks, W. 4th St.

Chick: I think it’s sexy that he went to art school.

Her two friends start laughing immediately.

–Jane, Soho

Overheard by: Tamika J.

Some Freshly-Minted Wednesday One-Liners

Hobo: Pretty soon this gon’ be a paper-less world. I’ll help you… Gimme all your paper money. I bring you to the future.

–Outside CVS, Lex

Teen girl: Of course there were credit cards in the ’50s. How else would they have gotten their money from the ATMs?

–Starbucks

Overheard by: Hans

Hipster boy to hipster girl: Yeah, remember that time we stuck to our principles? We got screwed out of a shitload of cash!

–Macy’s

Overheard by: Steph

Articulate crazy man: Make money the old-fashioned way: put mercenaries on your payroll!

–6 train

Overheard by: Interested. Very interested.

Conductor: To the person who lost a roll of cash held together with a rubber band, come see me. I found the rubber band.

–A train, 59th St

Overheard by: John

Fat old guy to pal: You’re either going to hurt yourself, hurt someone else, or lose all of us millions of dollars.

–8th & 7th, Park Slope

Overheard by: Julian Bennett Holmes

Thug handing 20-dollar bill to clerk: Be careful! Let it dry — I just made that.

–Deli, 137th & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Didn’t Ask to Be Born

Mom to son in stroller: Shut up! You want everything! Life isn’t like that!

–Staten Island ferry

Lady, pushing a stroller: My parents always used to say they were going to run away because we were so awful.

–Washington Square

Man: Yo, I got to tell my son to start selling weed now!

–56th St, between 5th Ave & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Caroline

Mom: Honey, if I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t keep buying you things.

–Bleecker St & Broadway

Mom hits kid in stroller.

Little kid: Fuck you, you fucking bitch!

–Pizza place, 14th St

Century 21 employee: And there was this Asian lady with her kid on a leash… A leash!

–Century 21

Overheard by: C21shopper

Bimbette, pointing to toddler in stroller: That’s how I met this motherfucker’s father!

–98th St & Broadway

Overheard by: shocked and appalled

Wednesday One-liners Have Their Priorities Straight

Three JHS boys pass a woman in a tight t-shirt and mini-skirt talking on her cell. One stares slack-jawed, then says to his buddies: Wow! That was the new Motorola.

–79th Street between Columbus & Amsterdam

Guy: As soon as I get my unemployment check, I’m going to buy a new TV.

–Penn Station

Woman on cell: I lost my sunglasses and I have cancer.

–34th & Madison

Overheard by: Lisa

Boy, 8: Look Mom! I think Daddy likes the Hummer more than you.

–Astoria

Overheard by: Adam Kraemer

Guy on pay phone: I haven’t decided if I prefer the smell of fresh urine or stale urine. I’ll let you know.

–Hotel Edison, West 47th Street

Guy: I told you what my goal is: to be lazy. 20 years from now, I want to be lazy.

–St. Mark’s Place between 2nd & 3rd

Wednesday One-Liners, Red in Tooth and Claw

Fashionista to two others: Yeah, but like, what are we going to do with a dead horse?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Brooke

Woman: I lived in a mud hut with rabid bats — I think I cashed in my JAP card.

–Bushwick

Chick to guy: They get to pick out the puppies and kitties that they like the best, and they get to take them for the night. And, if they get killed, they just have to replace them. Isn’t that great?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Girl to boyfriend: With the amount you spend on little turtles, I think you could buy yourself a suit.

–Columbia University

Sailor to another: What do you know about anything ‘cept cuttin’ up squid and takin’ it to bed with you?!

–Hudson & Perry

Saucy chick: The worst I ever got fucked was by a horse named ‘Hunt.’

–16th & 1st

Overheard by: Karin

Wednesday One-liners Just Promote Stereotypes

Chick on cell: Yeah, I’ll put a tarp down, but everyone spraypaints on the roof. There’s graffiti all over it ’cause it’s the ghetto. There’s crackheads everywhere, so no one’s going to care about some little White girl with a spray can.

–7 train

Overheard by: Ani Sin

Thug kid: Yo man, Welsh is the place to be. They drink as much as the Irish, but they don’t got the rep for it yet.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Pegs Landing

Latina: My sister married a Puerto Rican, my brother married a Puerto Rican, I don’t wanna marry no Puerto Rican. I wanna step up–marry some White guy.

–42nd & 3rd

Crazy Black man: I ain’t sucking on Whitey’s balls! Are you? I ain’t playin with Whitey’s dick! Are you?

–Union Square

Guy: I’ve never seen an English porn. It’s probably bad teeth and fish
‘n chips and stuff.

–27th Street office

Man on cell: Do you hear all this noise? You’d never hear people honking their horns like that in Singapore…it’s considered to be insulting!

–23rd & 6th

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