Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Are a Many-Splendored Thing

Bimbette to friend: I love him so much! He’s, like, so ugly he’s cute!

–Luna Park, Union Square

Overheard by: Maren

Heartbroken co-ed after Scott Proctor gives up game-tying home run to Blue Jays: Why must you hurt me when I have shown you nothing but love?!

–Yankee Stadium, Section 41, Row E

Overheard by: Bleacher Creature

Old woman: I love all of my sons, but my middle son is one of those freaks of nature.

–1 train

Brit on cell: Shut up! … Well, you’re going to have to shut up and listen to me so I can get others to love you, too!

–M6 bus, Church & Spring

Overheard by: But I love you

Middle-aged hipster lady to boyfriend: You only think about yourself. I love that!

–Bedford Ave

Wednesday One-Liners Look Busy When the Foreman Comes Around

Hardhat: Sometimes I like pissing on the sawdust floor and seeing the dust come right back up in the air.

–Bryant Park

Overheard by: TVontheFritz

Black hardhat to hot chick: Will you be my screensaver?

–19th & 6th

Overheard by: Philip

Hardhat: This whole street smells like panties!

–43rd & 8th

Big hardhat, after bumped by lady: Yo, I’m tryin’ to be Italian over here!

–64th & 1st

Overheard by: Rich Templeton

Wednesday One-Liners Are Sleeping with Their Secretaries

Suit on the run, after accosted by street charity worker: I don’t want to save a child! I want to go to a meeting!

–53rd & Lex

Suit: Yeah, I don’t think I could work for the government. All they do is kill people.

–23rd & Park

Suit: I don’t play hard to get; I play hard to like.

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Brian

Suit on cell: I just got back from São Paulo. That place looks like New York threw up on L.A.

–JFK

Suit on cell: What do you mean scientologists are following you? … No, you can’t stay at my place tonight…

–6th Ave

Overheard by: E.Major

And Wednesday Said, “Let There Be One-Liners!”

Hipster: Percocet makes me feel like God… [drunken pause]… is rubbing my tummy.

–Restaurant, Front St, Brooklyn

Latina: I like to be comfortable when I pray, and I do not think God holds that against me.

–Thai restaurant, Astoria

Bag lady: God has always been good to me.

–6 train

Overheard by: Jeff Hubbard

Old grump: That’s the problem with kids today — they think they’re God.

–Canal St

Overheard by: Abby

Chick: I’ve determined God put me on this earth just so I can lose box cutters.

–L train

Subway preacher: God put me here to annoy the crap out of ya so that you hear his word, and believe you me, if I could I would be doing drugs, drinkin’, and fuckin’ right now… But I can’t… I just can’t, because this is my mission — to annoy ya and preach the word of God!

–R train

Wednesdeified One-Linefication

Wheelbo: I understand that this is a crowded train. I will try and move past you as articulately as possible, as not to step on anybody’s toes.

–6 train

Overheard by: Becs

Guy trying on women’s sunglasses: Are these for women, or are they ambidextrous?

–Laila Rowe, Upper West Side

Overheard by: nisey79

Dude: … And I became an intern to be internal…

–Columbia University

NYU chick on cell: Thanks so much for, like, printing out my paper for me. You were, like, such a lifesaver! Yeah, my printer ran out of, you know, cartilage, so I’m at Staples buying some more.

–Soho

Overheard by: if only sharks could be used as toner

Bimbette: Yeah, well, she just kept on keptin’ on…

–4th Ave, between 11th & 12th St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Mike R

Fat lady: They eat dogs in other countries — it’s a delicatessen.

–Fulton & Church St

Overheard by: Dan

Wednesday One-Liners Publish or Perish

Professor: If you are selected, meet me and talk to me about the presentation on Thursday, and you can take advantage of me. [Awkward pause, then] If you want to rape me, you are welcome to try, but I don’t think so because I am pretty strong.

–NYU

Overheard by: Ting

Political philosophy professor after oral surgery: I had a choice to make: I could have stayed home like a happy clam on Percocet, or I could teach class… I miss the Percocet.

–Hunter College

Overheard by: tanechka

Computer science professor: They [people who figured out which mushrooms were poisonous] were the true pioneers. Screw Edison!

–NYU

Professor: Don’t get too excited — I’m not putting you into groups. Yeah, I saw you all sitting there, looking around, thinking ‘Which of these fuckers is going to do all of the work?’

–Fordham University

Professor: Okay, you guys fill out these course evaluations, and I’ll go amuse myself for 15 minutes by… doing drugs or something [leaves room].

–Waverly Building, NYU

Overheard by: evanescent

English professor: I can never find enough excuses to use the word ‘pus.’

–Hunter College

Overheard by: upperwestsider

This Is the Dawning of the Age of Wednesday One-Liners

Teen girl on cell: He started laughing and calling me a moron when we were drunk and I asked him if the sun and the moon were the same thing, and I told him, ‘If you had my brain, you’d understand what I meant!’

–Penn Station

Redhead: He and I are like twin stars that will never have sex.

–Starbucks, 95th & Broadway

Overheard by: ein ladle

Bimbette: Does the U.S. own the moon?

–Astronomy 101, Borough of Manhattan Community College

Dork to gaggle of girls: A half moon is fuckin’ half as full as a full moon, ya heard?!

–East Village

Overheard by: Verbena

Wednesday One-Liners Just Did It for the Organs

Woman to her crying child: A man is going to take you.

–Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: Caitlin

Asian mom to child in stroller: You feel trapped? Well, so do I. Now you know how I feel.

–51st & 3rd

Mom to whining child: Too bad, so sad. Your mom looks like your dad.

–JFK

Mom on cell: Shut the hell up or you’re not going to choir camp…

–32nd & Lex

Woman with wailing baby: God, I wish I was high — you would be so funny right now!

–V train

Mom to screaming toddler: If you could stop doing that, I’d appreciate it.

–Ascan Ave & Queens Blvd

Overheard by: me too.

We’re Here, We’re Wednesday One-Liners, We’re Not Going Anywhere!

Middle-schooler: Self-mutilation is so gay!

–Q60 bus

Overheard by: Gregorio

Black lady: She gay? Oh, well, then keep her away from me. I don’t like gay people. They’s too charmin’.

–D train

Southern girl: I have this theory that all black guys are gay.

–Lafayette & Houston

Teen girl to friend, passing clipboard activists: I don’t get it. What are they doing, selling gay rights?

–Columbus Ave, Upper West Side

Overheard by: wasn’t in the mood to buy any gay rights that day

Guy to another: … And it wouldn’t be gay because we wouldn’t tell anyone!

–NYU

Overheard by: Artiste

Wednesday One-Liners, Dead Ahead!

Guy to girlfriend: Every time I get pissed, I’ll list a person who’s dead.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Rachel Graham

Mom to four-year-old daughter: So, let me get this straight. Everybody was dead, then you walked in the street, and then you got kidnapped? And then you got killed?

–86th & Lex

Girlfriend to boyfriend: Seeing the genitals of a corpse is, like, a huge turn-off.

–Bodies Exhibit, Fulton St

Overheard by: Secret Asian

Woman: So I called her and I asked her, ‘Did you die?’ And she said, ‘No!’

–Pearl River Mart, Soho

Dude on cell: He’s dead? Yes!

–St. Mark’s Pl

Overheard by: Adam

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