Wednesday One-Liners

Just Say No to Wednesday One-Liners

Guy on cell: So, the ecstasy turned out to be Excedrin.

–Financial District

Stooped street character: Free drugs for teenagers! Free drugs for teenagers!

–Spring St, between Thompson & Sullivan

Overheard by: Monica P.

Boy to girl: Giving up marijuana is like giving up sandwiches — it just doesn’t make sense.

–Washington Square Park

Southern tourist to dreadlocked conductor: Does the ticket come with marijuana, or is that extra?

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Erin

Cop: The park is closed! Please take your cocaine, your heroin, and your mari-ji-juana elsewhere!

–Washington Square

Wednesday One-Liners Still Add on Their Fingers

Guy in line, to girl: So, I guess we could go to the TKTS booth and see how much the half-off shows are. They’re usually like 30 or 50 percent cheaper.

–Starbucks, Times Square

Girl on cell: Yeah, well, you said you were running a few minutes late and you showed up two days later!

–Spring & Greene

Desperate guy: I don’t care if she’s between a two and a ten, just so long as she’s not a one!

–Spring & Mulberry

Overheard by: Eddie

Enthusiastic chick: You know what they say — hindsight is 50-50!

–12th & Broadway

Overheard by: David

Eight-year-old boy to female friend: … At a rate of interest of five point three-five percent…

–W 81st St

Overheard by: Emily B.

Blonde: I can pretend to be just one person!

–30th St, Astoria

With These Wednesday One-Liners, I Thee Wed

Man on phone: I thought you were calling to tell me you’re getting married. That would have been terrible.

–45th & 8th

Overheard by: Lisa

Metromosexual on cell: Lady-fag and Rainblow Brite are getting married.

–Bedford & 5th, Brooklyn

Little Asian girl talking on toy cell: What? Tomorrow? Marry you?!

–Waiting room, Ft Greene Department of Health

Overheard by: nooners

Angry woman to loser husband: If you want this marriage to work, we need to move to Baltimore.

–Starbucks, 59th & Lex

Girl on cell: No, I don’t think sleeping with her again will help… Because, honestly, you shouldn’t be sleeping with anybody else… I mean, Jesus Christ, we are engaged!

–Starbucks, 23rd & 6th

Man to woman: So, he told you he wasn’t dating anybody, but he didn’t tell you he was married?

–11th & Broadway

Oh, Get Your Wednesday One-Liners Out of the Gutter

Suit during presentation: We are a global company with a tremendous reach-around.

–810 7th Ave

Overheard by: Jatmos

Barista gesturing to fridge: Hey! Milk me!

–Coffee shop

Professor: It’s hard to sit there for two hours without a climax.

–NYU

Overheard by: woods comma elle

Teacher, on oral quizzes: … And if you can satisfy me orally, you will receive a good grade.

–The Dalton School

Overheard by: Marissa

The Mad Hatter’s Wednesday One-Liners

Lady yuppie: I mean, at first I thought he was seriously psycho, but then I started to think, Maybe he’s just being creative…

–Outside NY Public Library

Overheard by: Miss_Rach

Black guy to himself: I’m not like the rest of you — I’m just an ordinary loon!

–52nd & 3rd

Overheard by: what?

Hobo: Does anybody have Amy Fisher’s phone number? I love crazy chicks!

–R train

Old woman to middle-aged woman: You have to walk on the crazy side of the street.

–2nd & 7th, Park Slope

Overheard by: D-Law

Lady to another, pointing at Borough Hall: Is that place a mental institution?

–Stuyvesant Pl, outside SI Borough Hall

You Have Received a Friend Request from Wednesday One-Liners. Do You Wish to Accept?

Girl on cell: What the fuck? I mean, if you want to say hi, just write it on my Facebook wall!

–116th & Broadway

Overheard by: alxie

Dude: I really want to sign up with eHarmony, but I can’t think of three things I am thankful for.

–8th & Broadway

Black teen girl: Can’t nobody talk shit about her now, ’cause they know we’re with her. I mean, she’s in our Top Three on MySpace!

–23rd & 8th

Sketchy doctor: I Google everything! I treat my patients with Google.

–Mt. Sinai School of Medicine, 98th & Madison

Pimp My Wednesday One-Liners

Guido: You know what it would mean if I drove a Saab? It would mean I have a big dick.

–Sheepshead Bay theater

Overheard by: sprinkles

JAP on cell: Well, if you guys need a ride I need to call Daddy and tell him to bring the Infinity, not the BMW… Wow, that sounded really JAP-y.

–49th, between 8th & 9th

Restaurant flyer guy: Why a Lamborghini costs so much we don’t know, but we do have food!

–96th & 3rd

Overheard by: Drewster

Guy: We either gotta pay the Russian drivers, threaten the Russian drivers, or kill the Russian drivers.

–Financial District

Ghetto lady: That’s the only thing you can do in a van with no air conditioning — sing.

–Maspeth & Metropolitan Ave, Brooklyn

Wednesday One-Liners Be Illin’

Man on cell: I have a rash there, too!

–LaGuardia

Overheard by: Ewww!

Girl to friends: So yeah, I found out today that I have second-hand ADD…

–86th & Broadway

Overheard by: the doc

Barker to another who spit on him: Man, why you spittin’? What if you got laryngitis? Your next customer’s gonna get AIDS!

–Astroland, Coney Island

Overheard by: Greg Costello

Feminine real estate broker guy on cell: … And then tuberculosis Betty walked in!

–Real estate office, 47th & Madison

Overheard by: Felago

Girl on cell: Honestly, if you have leukemia, you should not be doing coke.

–34th & 8th

Dr. Frankenstein’s Wednesday One-Liner Buffet

Dude: Civilizations have dried and died on my chest.

–D train

Tween: … And I’m like, ‘Hello, clit.’

–E Houston

Girl: I keep picturing your eye in my stomach.

–1 train

Overheard by: Emily

Little girl: Mom! That girl’s poking her eyebrow at me!

–70th & Broadway

Asian girl: I should be paying for all this. It’s just going to all end up on my face anyways.

–Food Emporium, Murray Hill

Overheard by: Jesse

Wednesday One-Liners Do It Like They Do on the Discovery Channel

Guy to enthralled friends: … And they were trying to rush him to the hospital, but they couldn’t leave because the fuckin’ monkey was banging on the window! And they couldn’t back up the car because they didn’t want to run over the monkeys! And the cameraman is yelling, ‘Run over the fucking monkey! Run over the fucking monkey!’ It was so unprofessional.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Jen

Hoochie mom to child, looking at sea lions: Look, honey, the zoo keeper is feeding the dolphins.

–Central Park Zoo

Overheard by: Carey and Echo Doppler

Idiot to another: So, some summer we should go out to Cincinnati and spend the summer building an aardvark.

–Fulton St station

Overheard by: Johnny Twisto

Suit frantically screaming on cell: My horse, my business! My horse, my business!

–Outside Union Square station

Hobo: It’s all about survival, man! I been fightin’ my whole life. I killed so many people… Then you gotta fight the land animals! Soon they throw you in the water and you fightin’ alligators and sharks!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Tom

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