Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-or-the-Other-Liners

Charity worker: Help the homeless! [Androgynous person walks by] Even a pretty girl… boy… whatever-that-was can help!

–Times Square

Chick, wistfully: That was Vadim. He was from St. Petersburg. When we broke up he stole all my dresses.

–A train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Large black security guard, inspecting guy’s Sephora bag: You da man!

–Hayden Planetarium

Pierced 20-ish chick: So, the last time I pegged a guy he wouldn’t stop jabbering on and on about how much he loved trannies. It just made me shove in the strap-on harder.

–Delancey & Orchard

Overheard by: Californian

Guy: I sirred a ma’am today. But, in my defense, she was a very sir-able ma’am.

–33rd & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Mind If You Put Your Hand Up There

Man selling handmade finger puppets: It’s the only place you can give someone the finger without being offensive!

–58th & Madison

Overheard by: Suriya

Loud Brit to no one in particular: No matter what happens, I will not be a puppet!

–9th & 4th station

Overheard by: Russ Wall

Skinny, dirty guy: I’m your fuckin’ puppeteer, bro. I’ll crawl right into your asshole and control your every move.

–Houston

Overheard by: AdHoculi

History grad student: It’s a long story. And much better if told with finger puppets.

–Library, Barnard College

Wednesday One-Liners Would Like Extra Mayo

Black guy: White guys look at women more holistically.

–Q station, Cortelyou Rd

Overheard by: LC

Little boy: Why do white people say, ‘Like, like, like, like, like’? Is that the only word in their vocabulary?

–14th & Broadway

18-year-old thug, as doors open: Bye, all you white folk! Buh-bye!

–A train, Howard Beach/JFK stop

Overheard by: Thompson

Thug: Yo, I just watched a white kid get tasered on the news last night, and I was like, ‘Yeah, yeah, get him!’

–181st & St. Nicholas

Overheard by: I knew that kid

Three-year-old girl to no one in particular: The white man is everywhere. [Mother looks at her, puzzled. Girl gazes up at crosswalk sign] The white man tells us when to go.

–86th & 2nd

Overheard by: Damn the man!

Wednesday One-Liners Leave a Little Something Behind

Teacher: Little known fact — you can still get crabs even if you wear a condom. Those suckers just jump from one person to the next, and then you have to go to the doctor and say, ‘Yes, I’m a dirty human being.’

–Bronx Science

Woman with wine glass on cell: Your sister is about to fuck my ex-husband and FYI — he has herpes.

–Outside the Hudson Hotel

Yuppie to chick: You look like you have herpes, but I’d sleep with you anyways.

–51st & 9th

Overheard by: A. Bystander

Chick on cell: Dude, like when Princeton claimed everything was confidential from our parents, but I got a copy of a bill they sent them that said, clearly, ‘Chlamydia and gonorrhea test…’

–113th & Broadway

Overheard by: McF.

Chick to friends: That’s a story for when you’re fucking and you say, ‘Hey, you only get AIDS once…’

–10th & Ave B

Wednesday One-Liners Promote Cavities

Big lady: What!? No snow cones? For shame! For shame, motherfucker.

–Bodega, 31st & 2nd

Overheard by: liza

80-ish woman: When has the proof ever been in the pudding?!

–N train

Mom to kid: What do you want? No candy, so don’t even look down there. Do you want a doughnut?

–Fire Island Ferry Terminal

Girl to frat boy: Uh, yeah, I just wanted to let you know what happened last night. You squirted maple syrup into my eye and my contact fell out! I had to walk home with one eye and syrup in the other!

–Union Square

Overheard by: BSBJ

White boy eating pocky: Now, the most important rule of pocky is this — do not let Asian kids know that you have pocky, because they will rape you for it, and then you will not have anymore pocky.

–Stuyvesant High

Ghetto girl: Tameesha! What? Ain’t nothin’ organic ’bout no fudge!

–The Met Market, 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Unrelenting Monkey

Wednesday One-Liners Sharpen Their Shanks

Thugette on cell: Yeah, I’m planning on getting arrested this weekend. That’s my new thing now. Instead of going to the club and shit, I’m just going to get arrested.

–34th & 8th

Overheard by: Clitoris Rex

Metrosexual: Oh my god! Did you hear that Paris Hilton just escaped from prison?

–Broadway & Prince

Mom eating fried chicken: I always thought Penn Station stop was named after a penitentiary…

–A train

Overheard by: Denning

Mocking cop to dude he just arrested: You’ve got jail!

–West Village

Wednesday One-Liners Got Soul

Hobo with shopping cart, singing: Every day I pick my nose! Every day I pick my nose! Every day I pick my nose! I pick my big, goddamn nose!

–W 4th & Barrow

Overheard by: David M Pasteelnick

Cop singing into loudspeaker of police van flashing its lights: Kumbaya, my Lord! Kumbaya! Oooh, Lord, kumbaya!

–23rd & 2nd

Overheard by: Gus

Crazy hobo, singing: I want a hedge fund, Lord, kumbaya. I want a hedge fund, Lord, kumbaya. I want a hedge fund, Lord, kumbaya. Everybody! [Crowd stares.] Oh, Lord, kumbaya!

–11th Ave, between 51st & 52nd

Overheard by: Amused Tourist

Small boy and girl singing: Jesus! Jeeesus! Jesus in the morning, Jesus in the evening… Jeeesuuusss…

–Wendy’s, Bayside, Queens

Overheard by: smh

Two old black ladies, singing: New York City condoms, New York City condoms! Protect yourself in somebody else. [Clap once, then] New York City condoms!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Gemma

Just Say No to Wednesday One-Liners

Guy on cell: So, the ecstasy turned out to be Excedrin.

–Financial District

Stooped street character: Free drugs for teenagers! Free drugs for teenagers!

–Spring St, between Thompson & Sullivan

Overheard by: Monica P.

Boy to girl: Giving up marijuana is like giving up sandwiches — it just doesn’t make sense.

–Washington Square Park

Southern tourist to dreadlocked conductor: Does the ticket come with marijuana, or is that extra?

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: Erin

Cop: The park is closed! Please take your cocaine, your heroin, and your mari-ji-juana elsewhere!

–Washington Square

Wednesday One-Liners Still Add on Their Fingers

Guy in line, to girl: So, I guess we could go to the TKTS booth and see how much the half-off shows are. They’re usually like 30 or 50 percent cheaper.

–Starbucks, Times Square

Girl on cell: Yeah, well, you said you were running a few minutes late and you showed up two days later!

–Spring & Greene

Desperate guy: I don’t care if she’s between a two and a ten, just so long as she’s not a one!

–Spring & Mulberry

Overheard by: Eddie

Enthusiastic chick: You know what they say — hindsight is 50-50!

–12th & Broadway

Overheard by: David

Eight-year-old boy to female friend: … At a rate of interest of five point three-five percent…

–W 81st St

Overheard by: Emily B.

Blonde: I can pretend to be just one person!

–30th St, Astoria

With These Wednesday One-Liners, I Thee Wed

Man on phone: I thought you were calling to tell me you’re getting married. That would have been terrible.

–45th & 8th

Overheard by: Lisa

Metromosexual on cell: Lady-fag and Rainblow Brite are getting married.

–Bedford & 5th, Brooklyn

Little Asian girl talking on toy cell: What? Tomorrow? Marry you?!

–Waiting room, Ft Greene Department of Health

Overheard by: nooners

Angry woman to loser husband: If you want this marriage to work, we need to move to Baltimore.

–Starbucks, 59th & Lex

Girl on cell: No, I don’t think sleeping with her again will help… Because, honestly, you shouldn’t be sleeping with anybody else… I mean, Jesus Christ, we are engaged!

–Starbucks, 23rd & 6th

Man to woman: So, he told you he wasn’t dating anybody, but he didn’t tell you he was married?

–11th & Broadway

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