About Celebrities

Wednesday One-Liners Are Like Gay Church

20-ish guy to pal: I didn’t go to the gym today, and I feel so liberated!

–W 25th & 10th

Overheard by: Gerry Visco

Stylish guy on cell: Well, yeah, I’m completely insane, but I’m in great, great, great shape!

–Christopher & 7th

Overheard by: robadob

Russian thug: Man, I don’t know how I’m going to have enough energy for the gym and sex tonight!

–Subway, near Brighton Beach

Overheard by: lk!

Guido pointing to his wifebeater: These things only last you so long. First time, you know, you wear it to the club, it’s still tight and shit. Second time you wear it around the house. Third time, that’s when you wear it to the gym. Then you throw it out! Wear a new one back to the club!

–NYC gym

Personal trainer lady: I was up in Greenwich training Mary Tyler Moore… Yeah, she’s old, but rockin’ bod.

–Metro-North train, 125th St

Overheard by: DrJones

Smoker guy: We should train for the marathon!

–50th & 6th

Why Else Would He March in the Queef Pride Parade?

Hipster: I’m telling you, Bill O’Reilly is a blubbering vagina.
Tourist: No, don’t say that!
Hipster: But you know he is!
Tourist: Stop!

–Union St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Alex

Of Course, If He’d Said That about Clue I’d Have to Club Him

Theater fan: What would you say about a person who saw The Rocky Horror Picture Show only once and didn’t feel any need to see it again?
Tim Curry: I’d say that was a person who was in full possession of their senses.

–Actor’s Fund event, 52nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Big Larry

I’m Too Busy to Worry about It

Teen #1: Alright, how about Christian Bale-John Preston, or Christian Bale the Batman?
Teen #2: Definitely the Batman.
Teen #1: Yeah, but it’s John Preston.
Teen #2: Look, Bruce Wayne would kick John Preston’s ass, Grammaton Cleric or no.
Teen #1: You know we’re gonna be single forever, right?

–NYU

Overheard by: Trevor Reznik all the way

That Old Guy?

60-year-old lady: You have the hottest cock I’ve seen since Woodstock 1969.
24-year-old guy: Oh, yeah?
60-year-old lady: Did you know I banged Mick Jagger?

–88th & 2nd

Overheard by: MX

Dustin Diamond, Is That You?

Thug #1: You a Zack Morris-lookin’ motherfucker. Show him your gun.
Thug #2: We can be your body guards… Fuck up AC Slater for you.
Thug #1: Word. Get us some fine white bitches with Zack Morris.

–Alley next to Hogs & Heffers

Overheard by: Time to Call Mr. Belding

We’re Telling Springsteen Fans Where You Live

Kid #1: Yo, Silent Bob lives in that place.
Kid #2: No, he doesn’t. He’s from New Jersey.
Kid #1: No famous people live in New Jersey.

–Park Slope

Because They’re Keeping Score

Thug #1: … And I was like, ‘Damn, baby. I just bought you some pizza, we’re about to see a movie — is it really imperative that I buy you the Justin Timberlake CD so you can listen to it tonight?’
Thug #2: I know what you mean dog. My girl was beggin’ me to buy her that new Akon shit.
Thug #1: Why can’t bitches just be happy?

–116th St station

Like I Didn’t Know He Was in All Those Movies

Woman: Nobody famous ever comes in where I work.
Man: Well, we got a lot of famous people when I worked in LA.
Woman: Like who?
Man: Charlie Sheen would come into the store all the time.
Woman: Really?
Man: Yeah, but he’s a fucking freak.
Woman: Oh?
Man: Yeah, he’d hold something up and say, ‘Do you think this is good? Do you? Do you? Do you?’ like, all the time. He’s very fucked up.

–6 train

As a Random Act of Free Will

Judge: Wow, this girl sounds like the future generation’s Tori Amos.
Philistine in audience: I don’t know who that is, but I disagree.

–NYU talent show, Skirball Center, Washington Square South

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