About Celebrities

Wednesday One-Liners Watch Too Much E!

Dad: Son, I gotta ask — do you think George Lucas has your best interests at heart?

–Central Park West

Overheard by: Shona Riddell

Fat eight-year-old boy with lisp: … And that’s why I’m starting a petition to get Don Imus back on the air.

–Times Square

30-something jumping up and down: Oh my god! Leonardo DiCaprio totally just made eye contact with me!

—The Gardener of Eden premier, Tribeca Film Festival

Overheard by: And omigod, I totally just saw his hair!

Hipster: So, this girl came up to us and asked us if we were art fags. Anyway, long story short, I had sex with her in Richard Gere’s rooftop Zen garden.

–Union Square

Pooper on cell: You like Rosie O’Donnell and listen to Madonna — I know what you are… I really do love my wife, and I love your dick, too, but I hate it when it squirts at me.

–Restroom, Radisson Hotel, 32nd St

Overheard by: j

Wednesday One-Liners Long to Be Thought of As “Sexy”

Girl watching Oscars: Oh my god, I love Scorsese! He’s so cute. I just want to have him in my pocket.

–10th & 5th

Seven-year-old girl on cell: Oh my gosh, Carrie! In Macy’s my mom just bought me the cutest Coach bag and matching scarf!

–34th St

Overheard by: georgia

Teen girl: Dude, whatever… Some bums are really cute!

–10th & 7th, Brooklyn

Overheard by: oliver

Latino goth muscle-man to girl: I know, but, like, spiritually? Emotionally? I have the cutest, pinkest little vagina [makes triangle formation with fingers over crotch]… And it’s tight.

–F train

Overheard by: meg

Dean of Students’ Services to third year student: You’d make a cute pregnant woman.

–Columbia Law School

Girl: I think having a cunt is cute!

–15th & 6th

Overheard by: Oh my

Wednesday One-Liners Are Like Gay Church

20-ish guy to pal: I didn’t go to the gym today, and I feel so liberated!

–W 25th & 10th

Overheard by: Gerry Visco

Stylish guy on cell: Well, yeah, I’m completely insane, but I’m in great, great, great shape!

–Christopher & 7th

Overheard by: robadob

Russian thug: Man, I don’t know how I’m going to have enough energy for the gym and sex tonight!

–Subway, near Brighton Beach

Overheard by: lk!

Guido pointing to his wifebeater: These things only last you so long. First time, you know, you wear it to the club, it’s still tight and shit. Second time you wear it around the house. Third time, that’s when you wear it to the gym. Then you throw it out! Wear a new one back to the club!

–NYC gym

Personal trainer lady: I was up in Greenwich training Mary Tyler Moore… Yeah, she’s old, but rockin’ bod.

–Metro-North train, 125th St

Overheard by: DrJones

Smoker guy: We should train for the marathon!

–50th & 6th

Why Else Would He March in the Queef Pride Parade?

Hipster: I’m telling you, Bill O’Reilly is a blubbering vagina.
Tourist: No, don’t say that!
Hipster: But you know he is!
Tourist: Stop!

–Union St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Alex

Of Course, If He’d Said That about Clue I’d Have to Club Him

Theater fan: What would you say about a person who saw The Rocky Horror Picture Show only once and didn’t feel any need to see it again?
Tim Curry: I’d say that was a person who was in full possession of their senses.

–Actor’s Fund event, 52nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Big Larry

I’m Too Busy to Worry about It

Teen #1: Alright, how about Christian Bale-John Preston, or Christian Bale the Batman?
Teen #2: Definitely the Batman.
Teen #1: Yeah, but it’s John Preston.
Teen #2: Look, Bruce Wayne would kick John Preston’s ass, Grammaton Cleric or no.
Teen #1: You know we’re gonna be single forever, right?

–NYU

Overheard by: Trevor Reznik all the way

That Old Guy?

60-year-old lady: You have the hottest cock I’ve seen since Woodstock 1969.
24-year-old guy: Oh, yeah?
60-year-old lady: Did you know I banged Mick Jagger?

–88th & 2nd

Overheard by: MX

Dustin Diamond, Is That You?

Thug #1: You a Zack Morris-lookin’ motherfucker. Show him your gun.
Thug #2: We can be your body guards… Fuck up AC Slater for you.
Thug #1: Word. Get us some fine white bitches with Zack Morris.

–Alley next to Hogs & Heffers

Overheard by: Time to Call Mr. Belding

We’re Telling Springsteen Fans Where You Live

Kid #1: Yo, Silent Bob lives in that place.
Kid #2: No, he doesn’t. He’s from New Jersey.
Kid #1: No famous people live in New Jersey.

–Park Slope

Because They’re Keeping Score

Thug #1: … And I was like, ‘Damn, baby. I just bought you some pizza, we’re about to see a movie — is it really imperative that I buy you the Justin Timberlake CD so you can listen to it tonight?’
Thug #2: I know what you mean dog. My girl was beggin’ me to buy her that new Akon shit.
Thug #1: Why can’t bitches just be happy?

–116th St station

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