About Celebrities

My Fantasy? Wednesday One-liners

Woman on cell: Tell everybody to come to New York and play D&D with me.

–Greenpoint

Overheard by: Francesca

Guy: So what you’re saying is that every event in modern history was
caused by a time-traveling Keanu Reeves?

–Chevy’s, Times Square

Overheard by: Kenny B

Boy on cell: …yeah, I know! So then I said, “Bitch, that’s what you get for messing with a level 5 dragon master!”

–C train

Overheard by: Lorelai Greenwood

Fat lady: You know, I don’t think I would make a good vampire…I don’t like staying up too late.

–W. 57th Street office

Grandma, What Big Pupils You Have!

Younger queer: Man, I never noticed how big Liza’s eyes were before.
Older queer: That’s so she can see the little pills better.

–Splash, 17th Street

Overheard by: Eric Muscatell

The Incarnation of Trash

Teenage girl: So do you get it now?!
Dad: I know honey…J. Lo.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Katia

My Anti-drug? Wednesday One-liners

Jersey girl: There is no way Anna Nicole lost that weight on TrimSpa. She’s obviously smoking crack.

–4 train

Chick: Yeah, she’s trying to put back on the 10 pounds she lost during her little crack experimentation.

–Rivington & Allen

Overheard by: Josh Mueller

Crackhead: I had never seen anybody smoking crack. I had no idea what it looked like, somebody smoking crack. Until my uncle. And you know, he changed my Pampers.

–Fourth Ave & Dean Street, Brooklyn

Overheard by: sparkle shortz

Long-hair: Yeah, so for my birthday I just got myself a shitload of mescalin. And all I did was sit in my apartment all day, tripping my ass off.

–14th & 8th

Overheard by: debo

Guy: I could have been an astronaut if i didn’t do so many drugs. Why
didn’t anyone tell me?

–Pratt Institute

Unlike Said Slaves

Girl on cell: I’ll get a celebrity to pay for my trip. Yah, like Oprah. You know, like on TV Oprah? I’m going to stop slavery. There are 7 million slaves in the world and I’m going to stop all of it…If I want to stop slavery, then I will! I can do anything I want to do!

–W train

Overheard by: SS

“..and then come in the audience.”

Woman: When Denzel comes on stage, I’m going to throw my panties up there.

–Belasco Theater, W. 44th Street

Overheard by: Julia Caesar

Shalom, Wednesday One-liners

Crazy Hasid: Who are the three greatest Jewish lawyers of all time? Roy Cohen, Roy Cohen, Roy Cohen, Johnny Cochran, Alan Dershowitz. Who are the three greatest doctors of all time? Dr. Dolittle, Dr. Dolittle, Dr. Dolittle, Alan Dershowitz.

–F train

Overheard by: bluesdog

Jewess on cell: You know, I love Great Neck, but I don’t know. I have to consider it. I’m not super Jewish and he’s not super Jewish. And you know how Jews are. They can be nice to non-Jews, but they can be caustic to other Jews.

–Union Square

Lady: I just don’t get smoking, or people who smoke…smoking and bacon; I don’t get it.

–UWS elevator

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Newsflash: They Don’t Have Books

Teenage girl: Biggie, 50-Cent, Jadakiss, Usher, you’re always writing all over your shit. I don’t see them writing “Phil” all over their books.

–Wadleigh High, W. 114th Street

Chick #1: Who the fuck reads books. I mean, books?
Chick #2: I read books, bitch!

–86th & Broadway

Nothing Natural About Healing the Dead

Worker on phone: Good afternoon, Ms. Swank. We’d like to congratulate you on your recent Academy Award, and ask you to stop by and pick up your copy of Natural Healing.

–The Strand

The Short Bus to the Candy Shop

HS girl: Do you listen to 50 Cent? Oh, my god, he is so good!
HS guy: Do you know what they say when you are listening to 50 Cent?
HS girl: What do they say?
HS guy: What are you listening to when you have two quarters next to your ear?
HS girl: Ha, ha…I don’t get it.

–Q46 bus

Overheard by: Ting

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