About Celebrities

Shalom, Wednesday One-liners

Crazy Hasid: Who are the three greatest Jewish lawyers of all time? Roy Cohen, Roy Cohen, Roy Cohen, Johnny Cochran, Alan Dershowitz. Who are the three greatest doctors of all time? Dr. Dolittle, Dr. Dolittle, Dr. Dolittle, Alan Dershowitz.

–F train

Overheard by: bluesdog

Jewess on cell: You know, I love Great Neck, but I don’t know. I have to consider it. I’m not super Jewish and he’s not super Jewish. And you know how Jews are. They can be nice to non-Jews, but they can be caustic to other Jews.

–Union Square

Lady: I just don’t get smoking, or people who smoke…smoking and bacon; I don’t get it.

–UWS elevator

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Newsflash: They Don’t Have Books

Teenage girl: Biggie, 50-Cent, Jadakiss, Usher, you’re always writing all over your shit. I don’t see them writing “Phil” all over their books.

–Wadleigh High, W. 114th Street

Chick #1: Who the fuck reads books. I mean, books?
Chick #2: I read books, bitch!

–86th & Broadway

Nothing Natural About Healing the Dead

Worker on phone: Good afternoon, Ms. Swank. We’d like to congratulate you on your recent Academy Award, and ask you to stop by and pick up your copy of Natural Healing.

–The Strand

The Short Bus to the Candy Shop

HS girl: Do you listen to 50 Cent? Oh, my god, he is so good!
HS guy: Do you know what they say when you are listening to 50 Cent?
HS girl: What do they say?
HS guy: What are you listening to when you have two quarters next to your ear?
HS girl: Ha, ha…I don’t get it.

–Q46 bus

Overheard by: Ting

I “Read Somewhere” That Your Lady Friend is a Moron

Tourist woman: I had no idea the Guggenheim Museum was so cheesy looking. What’s it made out of? Is that papier mache or something?
Tourist man: Well, I remember reading somewhere that Frank Lloyd Wright really was a nut.

–5th Ave. & 88th St.

Overheard by: Galen Chistopher

Bill Gates is the new Brad Pitt

Martha Stewart is on a tabloid cover.

Hipster: Did you know she’s now on that Forbes list?
Sunglasses at night girl: The one with rich people?
Hipster: Yes.
Sunglasses at night girl: She’s not even a movie star.

–Key Foods, Williamsburg

Readers: Answer This Gauche Question

Office worker #1: Fred Wertheimer? He’s the husband of the fabulous Linda Wertheimer…
Office worker #2: Who is that?
Office worker #1: She is a really famous radio person on NPR.
Office worker #2: What is NPR?

–Midtown office

Queer Wednesday One-liners

Lady: You know, I heard him sing in the back room and he was like a young Clay Aiken.

–Macy’s

Guy: There’s nothing sadder than seeing an old gay woman.

–Church Street between Vesey and Barclay

Foreign art student: …so then, we are in the shower room, and you know, we start, how do you say…masturbate, and then he leaves, and I am like, “Oh my god, I really want to talk to him too!”.

–MoMA

Wednesday One-liners

Girl on cell: I knew it was over when I grabbed his shirt and he told me I was pulling his hair.

–Bleecker & W. 11th

Overheard by: Alaska

Guy: Yeah, but the guy’s the Michael Jackson of dishwashing…

–Houston Street & Avenue B

Overheard by: Andrew Williams

Meet the Fucktard

Guy: I saw that movie Hide and Seek. It sucked.
Girl: I don’t know that one. Who’s in it?
Guy: Ummm…that guy from Meet the Fockers.
Girl: …Ben Stiller?
Guy: Who?
Girl: Are you talking about Ben Stiller?
Guy: No, no, the old guy.
Girl: Robert DeNiro?!
Guy: Yeah, him.
Girl: You call Robert DeNiro “that guy from Meet the Fockers“?!

–1 train

Overheard by: Brian J. Heck

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