About Celebrities

Wednesday One-Liners! They’re Just Like Us!

Guy shopping for condiments: A Rachael Ray olive oil? Really? Have we gone too far?

–Amish market, Park Pl

Overheard by: pri

Blonde to brunette: You don’t understand… I was the Paris Hilton of Seattle…

–Bedford Ave

Overheard by: griffin

Bimbette bragging to server: Yeah, I’m like the Lindsay Lohan of New Jersey!

–Brooklyn Diner, Times Square

Office worker: I would bury Jennifer in a ditch somewhere for Jessica Biel.

–Staten Island

Mom to eight-year-old son: … And that’s why the gays are mad at John Travolta — because he’s a Scientologist.

–Court St & Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Tim

Disappointed lady to hubby: Well, I didn’t see any celebrities in there!

–Outside Olive Garden, Times Square

Look at Andy Kaufmann

Theater buff #1: So, do you think Michael Richards is a racist?
Theater buffs #2 and #3: Yes.
Theater buff #4: Nah.
Theater buff #1: Why not?
Theater buff #4: Because he’s a comedian and he yelled it on stage at a heckler. Racists don’t yell ‘nigger’ during a stand-up act in a comedy club. Racists yell ‘nigger’ when they’re driving a pickup truck dragging a chained-up black man behind them. People don’t fucking understand that a comedy improv can go horribly wrong!

–Sardi’s

Overheard by: Big Larry

Tonight’s Movie: Prelude to a Piss

Doctor: You really think I look like Rick Springfield?
Hobo: Oh, yeah. Could be his twin.
Doctor, singing: Jesse’s girl… I wanna be… [Hobo joins him singing and pees on the bench.]

–Union Square

Overheard by: tantorigor

I Can Tell You Who He Was, but Not What He Meant

Little girl: Daddy, who’s John Lennon?
Dad: I’ll explain it to you later.

–Strawberry Fields, Central Park West

Overheard by: David Males

If Only I Were Still in My Remembering Years

Hobo at end of rant: God bless John Lennon and Marvin Gaye, because John Lennon said, ‘All you need is love,’ and Marvin Gaye said, ‘What’s goin’ on.’
Old lady: Now, that’s a nice thing to remember.

–7 train

Overheard by: Tom

In the Middle of Her Web She Squats, Watching, Waiting

Mom: You’re going to have a great time.
Kid: But is Chicago safe?
Mom: Of course it is! Oprah lives there!

–JFK

Doesn’t Jail Provide Rehabilitation? Hahaha… Sorry.

Chick #1: Hey, did you hear? Paris Hilton’s going back to jail.
Chick #2: Really? That’s hilarious.
Chick #1: That’s horrible! She’s a decent human being who just needs some rehabilitation!
Chick #2: What the fuck is wrong with you, you dipshit?

–42nd & 5th

Overheard by: Kristen

You’re Both Right!

Old queen #1: I always thought that Dick Cavett was such a little asshole.
Old queen #2: I always found him to be downright delightful!

–Edison Diner, 47th St

Overheard by: I like Dick

How Do You Explain That Martha Stewart’s Alive?

Child: Look, Mommy, that lady looks like Daddy’s computer.
Mother: Which one?
Child: The one he has in his office.

–Seaman & Cumming

Or Maybe an American Idol Death Match

Woman #1, looking at Bodog Fight poster: Man, that fight can’t be real, those guys are way too old. That fight is going to suck.
Woman #2: I heard that.
Woman #1: Don’t they have fights between little celebrities?
Woman #2: Uh…
Woman #1: I think I saw Webster, you know, Emmanuel Lewis, fighting that little motherfucker from Diff’rent Strokes. What’s his real name?
Woman #2: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Woman #1: Well, that’s the fight I want to see.

–B train

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