Wednesday One-Liners– As Far As You Know

Man on cell, coming out of The Dark Knight: I'm sorry that I couldn't pick up your call, I was in a very important meeting with a client.

–Lowes Movie Theater, 68th & Broadway

Guy on cell walking out of subway entrance: I'm getting on the subway now.

–Park Place & Church Street

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Female suit on cell: Well, I can't talk long, I'm about to get on a plane. Yeah, JFK.

–Battery Park

Overheard by: pop pop

Overweight woman to daughter in pink tutu: You made me come here! Don't lie! Don't lie! Don't lie!

–Ikea, Redhook

Overheard by: Emily B.

Annoying anchor: I'm writing a newscast. I don't have time to check facts.

–CBS News Headquarters, 57th St

Overheard by: The Shadow News Bunny

Posted on December 31, 2019
All Wednesday One-Liners, Battery Park, Buildings, Fat People, Jobs & Careers, Lies, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Movie Theaters, Not New York, On Cell, Public Transportation, Store, Suits, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Women

They Met at the USPS

Fat Slob: I think I love you, babe. Ooh, that tattoo is cute. “Rot in Peace.”

–Post Office, Bensonhurst

Posted on November 13, 2019
Fat People, Love, Not New York, Tattoos

But I’m a Sucker for Anything Involving Kittens

Large black guy #1: Yo, check out that chick’s earrings.
Large black guy #2: Damn, they even match her outfit.
Large black guy #1: That’s, like, a whole new level of matching.
Large black guy #2, to girl: Yo, did you make those?
Girl: No, my sister did.
Large black guy #2: I reeeally like those.

–1 train

Overheard by: i like them too

Posted on November 11, 2019
Black People, Compliments, Default, Fashion, Fat People, Girls, Gripes, On the Subway

Times Were Tough for Fezzik After the Flash in the pan of ‘The Princess Bride’

Fat bouncer #1: Where the fuck is there a bagel store around here?
Fat bouncer #2: Umm… Bagels are delicious. Hey, maybe they have knishes. That rhymed!
Fat bouncer #1: You make no fucking sense.

–The Knitting Factory

Overheard by: hjane

Posted on July 29, 2019
Bouncers, Fat People, Food, Lower Manhattan

How Many Weight Watchers Points Are in a Wednesday One-Liner?

Young man: You're fat because you need to release. Look at me, that's why I'm slim and sexy. I beat off every day.

–Prospect Heights, Brooklyn

Salesgirl to salesgirl friend: I wanna thank you for taking the time to repeatedly hit me in my arm fat and make it jiggle.

–Henri Bendel

Overheard by: Stephan Dion

Professor to class of girls: You guys are all thin (looks around classroom and notices there are some fat girls) …mostly.

–Fashion Institute of Technology

Suit to another: All I'm trying to say is, she's not tall enough for her weight.

–Uptown 6 Train

Overheard by: ednapontellier

Black girl: Fat people can do splits because they have no bones.

–Pizza Place, St. Mark's Place

Five-year-old to very overweight man while waiting for Thanksgiving Day parade: Are you one of the balloons?

–Broadway & 50th St

Overheard by: Peter

Posted on July 5, 2019
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Clerks, College, Compare/Contrast, Diet/Weight, Fat People, Fitness, Friends, Girls, Height, Kids, Masturbation, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On the Subway, One-liners, Physical appearance, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Store, Students, Stupidity, Suits, Teachers/Professors, Union Square and East Village, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Somebody's Been Crying 'Wolf' for Years

Fat man: My left retina just detached.
Friend, not even looking at him: You'll be fine.

–Washington Square Park

Posted on June 15, 2019
Body Parts, Fat People, Friends, Friendship, Health and Hygiene, Washington Square Park

I Didn't Know I Was Wednesday One-Linered

Smoking man to another: I've heard being pregnant is really bad for your health.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: CS

Large black woman: An' I been tellin' him I got all these ideas for t-shirts… Like one for a pregnant lady that says "Congratulations, you're not the daddy!"

–BX12 Bus

Overheard by: shayshay

NYU boy on cell: Wait, you're pregnant? You're pregnant!? I thought you were just fat. (pause) But he said he didn't come in you, just on your face.

–Union Square

Woman to date: Let's go get pregnant!

–Santos Party House, Lafayette St

Overheard by: alisa

Posted on June 8, 2019
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Black People, Bus, Clothing, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Cum, Diet/Weight, Fat People, Frat Boys, Health and Hygiene, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Bus, One-liners, Parents, Physical appearance, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Questions, Smokers & Smoking, Union Square and East Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

And Your Mother Keeps Giving Birth to Human Children

Cute little girl: Daddy! Daddy! Come over here!
Large angry man: No! I want to see the monkeys!

–Central Park Zoo

Posted on April 22, 2019
Animals & Nature, Central Park, Dads, Fat People, Kids, Parents, Parks, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners Wish They Could DVR Their Lives, Instead

Young woman on elevator to friend: I have a date this Thursday with a guy I met on match.com, and I was so excited, but then I remembered Thursday is Grey's Anatomy! I mean, I'm DVRing it, but that's so not the same.

–Wall St.

Overheard by: krazyhippie

Large 40-something woman: But I'm not gonna be on Maury sayin', "I'm 100% sure!" Because I'm not!

–10th St & FDR

20-something woman on cell: It's white, sleeveless…well, you don't watch Gossip Girl but it's totally Blair-worthy.

–W 19th & 5th Ave

Appalled girl to friend: So, I guess he just couldn't hold it in and needed to share with everyone around him, so he just shouted out "Fuck! I miss Gossip Girl!"

–Mercer & W 3rd

Saucy Latina: Telemundo makes BET look like The History Channel.

–171st St & Broadway

Overheard by: The Low Hat

Guy to friend: My girlfriend is cool if you and your boys are…she loves the BBC when she's high.

–PATH Station

Overheard by: smjcnj

30-something woman on cell: Remember season one of The Hills? What a simpler time.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: The Evil Triangle

Posted on February 14, 2019
All Wednesday One-Liners, Colors, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Dating, Drugs, Elevators, Fat People, Friends, Gadgets, Girls, Guys, Insults, Internet, Latinos, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, One-liners, Relationships, Street, The Village, Train Station, TV, Union Square and East Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Washington Heights and Inwood, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Look Terrible in Neon Orange

20-something woman to man: You've never been arrested? I have never met anyone that has not been arrested!

–Le Charlot Restaurant, Upper East Side

Angry guy on cell: If you ever send e-mail to my family again, I will wait outside your apartment door! (pause) I got arrested! I spent Thanksgiving in jail!

–11th & University

Overheard by: MissPinkKate

Man in US Correctional Services jacket to another looking around hectically in a large crowd: Make sure we don't lose him!

–Penn Station

Chubby well-dressed black dude to skinny white geeky friends: Time in prison can be good for the soul!

–F Train

Overheard by: MissMae

Guy on cell: Yeah man, she's like a young girl, and she's driving me nuts. It's like always a fight with her. I mean, she's so young, yo… But yeah, I mean, she's a sweetheart. I mean, she's a good girl. So young. Like, we've been together for 7 months and that ain't nothing to me, but to her it's a big deal. And I'm all like, shit, I've been in jail for longer than 7 months, you know, so I don't know what she's bitching about. I don't need her to make me miserable. I can make myself miserable.

–Metro-North Train

Overheard by: Meaghan

Fran Drescher sound-alike: What's wrong with you? Don't applaud, I'm going to jail!

–Eight Mile Creek, Mullberry Street

Overheard by: Adam Nathan

Posted on July 9, 2018
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Cops, Coworkers, Crime and Punishment, Fat People, Girls, Guys, Holidays, Little Italy, On Cell, On the Subway, Penn Station, Prison, Questions, Relationships, Restaurants & Cafes, The Village, Threats, Trains Not Subway, Upper East Side, Women

Fat People