Language Barrier

Wednesday One-Liners Can Order Beers in Twenty Countries

Dude: If I added up all the languages I spoke shitty, I could probably speak one very fluently.

–Prospect Park Southwest & Vanderbilt

Loud guy on cell: Does she speak German? How do you say ‘Fuck you’ in German? … Okay, bye!

–Butler Library, Columbia University

Overheard by: Eric

Cop to others: So I said, ‘What’s your name?’ This guy don’t speak good English, you know?

–G train stop

Black guy to another: Want me to speak another language? ‘Cause I can speak other languages — Chinese, German, Arab, white…

–42nd & 8th

Overheard by: Andrew B.

Girl on cell: And he’s from Sweden, right? Well, yeah. I mean, I’m assuming since he said he speaks Swedish and all… which, honestly, I didn’t know was a real language.

–NYU dorm

Little foreign girl: Auntie, what’s English for ‘horse’?

–J train

Overheard by: MyTh

Gray-haired man to barista: Is tall ‘small’ in your language?

–Starbucks

If You Want to Compete in the Global Marketplace

Hobo: Excuse me, can you spare me some change?
Woman, pretending in bad Spanish: No hable engles.
Hobo: Shit! I gotta be bilingual to beg?!

–4th St subway station

Overheard by: Jessie

You Gotta Get It Right, ‘Cause You’re Defending Your Dissertation Tomorrow

Thugette #1: One, two, three fish! One, two, three fish!
Thugette #2: No.
Thugette #1: Nigga! It’s one, two, three fish!
Thugette #2: No, it ain’t. It’s one fish…
Thugette #1: Nigga! Oh… Wait… You right.
Thugette #1 and #2 together: One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish.
Thugette #2: Nigga I told you.

–Queens-bound M train

Overheard by: Sarah Booz

Or Are Those Croutons?

Tourist chick #1: What is ‘soup du jour’?
Tourist chick #2: You know, soup with all those little de jours in it.
Tourist chick #1: Oh, right.

–Quasi-French place, E 52nd St

Overheard by: Diner at same restaurant

I Did, for Christ’s Sake!

Chinese customer: Hey, do you work here?
Chinese salesman: Yes.
Chinese customer: Okay, are you guys going to have the PlayStation Three when it comes out?
Chinese salesman: It comes out November 17th.
Chinese customer: I know — are you guys going to have it?
Chinese salesman: It comes out November 17th.
Chinese customer: Okay… I know that. Are you guys going to sell it?
Chinese salesman: I don’t know if we have pre-orders.
Chinese customer: So, are you going to sell it on November 17th?
Chinese salesman: Yes, yes, we sell on November 17th — first come, first serve.
Chinese customer walks away mumbling: Damn, man, learn some English.

–J&R Music, City Hall

Overheard by: Hugh

Though They Do Buy Pasta at Whole Foods…

Dude #1: Eh, those two cans should be okay.
Dude #2: No. That’s fucking not enough.
Dude #3: Dude, you’re not fucking listening to me — we’re only doubling the recipe, not quadrupling it. Stop just fucking thinking of yourself!
Dude #4: You’re not listening to me! Look at the fucking recipe — if we’ve got one pound of rigatoni…
Angry woman: Excuse me, there are children here. You need to watch your language.
Dude #1 to Dude #2: I will fucking slap you so hard…
Dude #3 to angry woman: My roommates actually aren’t gay…

–Whole Foods, Union Square

And They Hate to Be Reminded of It

Chick #1 watching Swedish guy on screen: What fucking language is that?
Chick #2: Duh… Irish. Wait… Don’t they speak, like, English?

–Movie theater, Cobble Hill

Overheard by: angel

Little Front-Loader-Riding Motherfucker

Customer #1: Hey, kid! Get the fuck out of there!
Customer #2: Don’t you dare speak to my boy like that!
Customer #1: Why? Does the little bastard not know English?
Customer #2: Shut up.
Customer #1: I guess not.

–Laundry King, Ave A

Overheard by: Usleich

Wet and Ready Wednesday One-Liners

Guy: What’s so funny? Vagina? I’m not scared to say ‘vagina,’ watch: Vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina!

–Grand Army Plaza

Columbia student: Do strippers use their vaginas?

–Massawa Ethiopian, 120th & Amsterdam

Girl wearing jerz shirt: Guys, if I zipped my pussy, of course I would tell you.

–27th St

Middle school boy to another: Do you know what a ‘cunt’ is? It’s a pussy. [Pause] You should know that, it’s Jamaican.

–B69 bus

Overheard by: Bilingual

Guy standing in pile of luggage outside women’s restroom: Man, I’m glad my vagina’s not with me today.

–Grand Central Station

Overheard by: A Vagina

We Certainly Do

Girl: Hew-ston, we have a problem.
Mom: How-ston, honey. Houston, we have a problem.

–NY Animal Control Center

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