Language Barrier

Yet Another Drawback of Abstinence-Only Education

White guy to girl: You know both these guys are Muslim, so don’t piss them off. Muslims don’t care if they die because then they’ll get 72 virgins.
Muslim #1: It’s not 72 virgins, it’s 45 virgins.
Muslim #2: I thought it was 40 virgins.
White guy: But a Muslim person told me that it was 72 virgins.
Muslim #1: What are you gonna do with 72 virgins, man?
White guy: The same thing you’re gonna do with 45 virgins, but I would get tired of telling them what to do.

–MetroTech, Lawrence St

Overheard by: Jannine Ramlochan

First-Come, First-Served Is a Pretext for Discrimination!

[A woman creates her own line and walks up to the counter.]Postal employee: Ma’am, you have to wait in line.
Latino woman: I was in the esspress line.
Postal employee: We don’t serve espresso here ma’am, this is the post office.
Latino woman: What? You think I’m stoopid? I have less than ten items.
Postal employee: There is no express line at the post office, please wait in line like the other people.
Latino woman: Oh… I see how it is.
Postal employee: Happy holidays, ma’am.
Latino woman: Fuck you too.

–Post Office, 14th Street & Avenue A

Overheard by: texmorgan

Nor Do the Dogs

Woman #1: It was so funny. I mean I was talking to the horse in English, and the horse didn’t understand a fucking word I said.
Woman #2: It was a Spanish horse.
Woman #1: Even their dogs, they didn’t understand English. I don’t get that.

–QM2 bus

Overheard by: i’m mr.ed

Do You Want to Go to Military School?

Baby: Hop gla blah blah.
Mother: Stop it, or I'll leave you on this train!

–E Train

What's Your Sign, Wednesday One-Liner?

Young man to pretty girl with glasses eating hot dog: That hot dog matches your beautiful glasses!

–Hot Dog Stand, 34th St

Overheard by: gothchick

Dude to girls crossing street: Hey, miss ladies! Youse look nice out!

–Ludow & Stanton

Overheard by: M & J

Guy to girl passing by: El sexy-o! I know how to say it in Spanish, I wanna know how to say it in Caucasian!

–14th St & 1st Ave

Crazy guy: Hey, Snow White! Come talk to Black Beauty. Cuz you know vanilla and chocolate make a good fudge, girl.

–W 110th St

Overheard by: Ashley

Bro standing in sidewalk, harassing passing girls: Hello! I've been waiting all my life for you! Hello, where have you been all my life? Hello, I eat pussy. Hello, I've got money. Hello?

–Union Square

Overheard by: Bruce Lee

I’m Never Going to Figure Out This Dumb Language

Older guy: What time is it?
Younger guy: Tuesday.

Translated from the Spanish.

–91st & Columbus

Overheard by: Jane T.

Wine and Wednesday One-Liners

Female college student on cell: Sorry, there was an incident. She was eating string cheese, and I told her she looked like a walrus. So she tried to smack me in the face but she couldn't, and I ran into the bathroom. So she tried to hit me with the string cheese, but I was like your string cheese will get all fuzzy. So she smacked me in the face with the cheese.

–Penn Station

Girl on phone: And then I stuck a string cheese in the microwave. Yeah, in the wrapper.

–57th & 7th

Sexy guy, looking at orchestra program description of movement "con brio": Does that mean "with cheese"?

–Camerata Notturna Concert, W. 57th St

Overheard by: Ladle

Older European woman to another: She's fine with the reference to cheese. I mean, she can eat cheese, just not the real kind.

–Union Square

Hipster: So she writes everything down in her cheese diary…

–Bedford & 4th

Dear Diary, Reynolds Admitted He Loves Me Today! Well, Almost.

Girl: Why don’t you ever invite me to the dorms?
Guy: ‘Cause if you wanna come, you should ask.
Girl: Well, do you want me to come over?
Guy: If I don’t have to study, yeah.
Girl: Well then you should invite me!
Guy: Why?
Girl: ‘Cause it would make me happy!
Guy: What the hell do I care?
Girl: Well, you wouldn’t go down on me if you didn’t want me to be at least pleased.
Guy: That…is probably the best argument you could have made.
Girl: I’m so glad no one speaks English on this train.

–1 train

Overheard by: Vicksburg

She Listens to Foreigner Backwards

Old woman: “Free“? Nothing’s free around here! That’s what’s wrong with you immigrants, always looking for something for free!
Businessman lady: I said “sweet”, not “free”.
Old woman: I know what you meant!

–Zeytuna, William & Maiden Lane

Plus, She’s Deaf. And German.

Man: I’m thinking about learning Japanese so I can speak to my wife’s grandmother.
Lady: That’s cool.
Man: Nah, actually, I don’t think I will. She’s old and only has a couple of years left anyhow. Forget it.

–E 19th & Park Ave South

Headline by: boyhowdy

Runners-Up:
· “Besides, I Hate When She Talks During Sex” – Trey Jackson
· “But Those Gums Look So Soft & Enticing…” – wvs
· “Come to Think Of It, Maybe We’ll Stop Feeding Her, Too.” – Bobbing for Lucky Charms
· “He Clearly Has No Idea Just How Long Japanese Women Live” – Gaijin
· “Man, Fuck Old People.” – RaRa
· “She Can’t Be That Old. I Mean, Your Wife’s 14.” – RaRa
· “THAT’S for Pearl Harbor” – Daniel Patterson

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

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