Obese John Wayne wannabe: I can’t believe we are not hanging out tonight.
Gap tooth hootchie: I told you I made plans with my friends a month ago!
Obese John Wayne wannabe: Well you’re supposed to be hanging out with me. We never hang out anymore and we are boyfriend and girlfriend!
Gap tooth hootchie: We were supposed to hang out this past Saturday and Sunday but we didn’t! You were not fucking there.
Obese John Wayne wannabe: I had a change of plans!
Gap tooth hootchie: Change of plans?! Muthafucker you were in jail!

Iowa State University, Iowa

Overheard by: Casey

Barman to another: I was looking forward to being miserable this weekend, but it seems to have turned out quite nicely.


Overheard by: Raptor

Father to son, on golf course: Yeah, while you were away I though about hiring someone to rape me.
Son: What?
Father: It's supposed to really improve your golf swing!

Eagle, Colorado

Flamboyant grad student, on ice skating: I went years ago… and fell flat on my face. Then I decided that I was too important for this!


Dude #1: Hey man, wanna go get some things pregnant?
Dude #2: Um. What? What kind of things?
Dude #1: Just stuff. Whatever we find.


Woman at Origins of the universe sequence at screening of The Tree of Life: We should have seen Bridesmaids.
Companion: Shut up!


Guy #1: Well, they do say life’s short, gotta make the most of it.
Guy #2: I am pretty positive life is the longest thing I am ever going to do. And I am not going into that strip club, okay?


Obnoxious 20-something chick: We went to a Yankees game and had the worst seats ever. We didn’t even see Derek Jeter’s ass! … Or anyone’s ass.

Green Bay, Wisconsin

Chick on cell: Hey! I had a miscarriage! Wanna hang out?

High School Classroom
Englewood, Colorado

Physics professor: What do you do to amuse yourselves? You don't play with yourselves?